Page 17 of All My Firsts

“No, Becca, that’s not why Ty did that.” I was frustrated at this point with Becca constantly trying to push us together. “I’m not interested in being with Logan, and it seems Ty understands that. Maybe Ty can try to talk some sense into him. I’m in no position to be in a relationship with anyone right now, and I thought Logan knew that.” I turned around and started back toward our room. My frustration was spilling out. I didn’t want to make a scene while rushing down the hall.

At that exact moment, Xander’s door opened and a girl, a girl I recognized, was coming out. It was the girl I had seen him with the very first day I saw Xander, the one hanging all over him, the one he sent on her way. She turned back toward the open door and giggled something as she said her goodbyes.

I was frozen in place as myheart sank.

I think I would have been less upset if it were Mia. But this girl was different, one just as beautiful, maybe more stunning, even. And she didn’t seem as caustic and insincere as Mia. She seemed nice, normal.

She seemed like a girl I would be happy for Xanderto be with.

That made this hurt more for some reason, but it wasn’t allowed to hurt.

Hewasn’t mine.

I had no claim over him, as much as I would like to.

It took a moment for me to realize I was still standing in the hallway, not moving. Becca nudged me from behind, encouraging me to move forward, toward our room. I looked up and saw Xander at the edge of his door. He was looking at me as the girl passed mein the hall.

The look on his face was unreadable, indifferent. I think that hurt even more, though I’m not sure what I was hoping for. Did I want him to rush over and apologize for what I saw? Or did I want him to gloat about the girl who left his room? I didn’t want either, to be honest.

I passed him in silence, my eyes on the floor because if I looked at him again, he would see the water building up in them. But why was I almost crying? No idea why this was making me so flustered, so upset. Xander and I were not together; we were not a thing. For all I knew, she was hisgirlfriend.

Becca guided me to our room and gently closed our door.

She was quiet for a few minutes, knowing that was what I needed. I curled up on my bed, aware we were going to have to talk, butdreading it.

This friendship thing had its perks, but this was not one of them. I liked being a loner in this department, not having to divulge all of my feelings to someone just because they wanted to know what was going on.

And whatwasgoing on? Iwas hurting.

It hurt to see him with someone else, and I didn’t even understand why. But I felt the pain cut deep, a sweeping pain that went straight to my core and settled there, taking mybreath away.

These were not feelings I ever experienced with Max. My emotions with him were limited to fear and loathing.

But the pit-in-the-stomach feeling, this deep pain that consumed me and was brought on by Xander, this seemed to hurt more than all the years of pain I endured with Max. And the difference was, if one of them threw me a lifeline, I would hold on for dear life; the other, I would choose to drown. One thing I did know was when I was near him, I wanted nothing more than to be nearer to him.

And this made no sense. I barely knew Xander. Why would I have such strong feelings for someone Ibarely knew?

But I did know Becca was getting restless. She was cleaning things in the room; thatwas my clue.

“Becca.” And that was as far as I got before the line of questioning started.

“Lanie, what the fuck? First, I walk in and see what looks like you and Logan about to kiss, and then that look between you and Xander could have lit up an entire city, and right after, another girl left his room! You have a lot of explaining to do, and I feel like I haven’t really talked to you for the past day or two! And then you still have this guy at home – which, by the way, you have yet to really tell me much about Max. I mean, I know you told me you ended it with him, but he still texts and calls all the time, so there’s a story with him. And didn’t I warn you about Xander? I swear there is a new girl in and out of his room every day, so be careful with that one. Now Logan, he’s another story. He’s infatuated with you, has been since the beginning of the semester. And oh my God, wouldn’t that be so much fun? The four of us going out all the time together.”

She finally came up for air. She was pacing the room the entire time during her diatribe, flipping her curls behind her back, throwing her hands up in the air, very dramatic. I gave it a moment, not sure she was completely done, beforeI spoke up.

“OK, thatwas a lot.”

Her head snapped in my direction as she only then realized and remembered who she was dealing with, and she got nervous. Coming over to my bed, she sat down, angling toward my curled-up body. My body was still; not a muscle moved the whole time she spoke.

“I’m sorry, Lanie. I know I can be a lot. But I’m actually very excited for you. You being in a relationship here at school could be good for you. You obviously were in one at home, and maybe that makes you feel comfortable, so I was thinking if you found someone at school you liked, it could give you a level of comfort here as well. Everyone knows long distance doesn’t really work.”

She really was a sweet girl, and she was looking out for me most of the time. Her thought process wasn’t far off, except she had no understanding of what I was trying to escape from at home with Max.

I’d made a conscious decision not to discuss him, but sometimes I wanted to blurt it out to someone and get it all off my chest.

This would be the perfect time to tell her everything about him, to have a confidante, but I just didn’t know if I was ready. They were such dark secrets; I wasn’t ready for her to look at me differently, and I knew she would.

She was still sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for me to say something. I moved farther in toward the wall, motioning for her to join me. She let out a giggle and lay downnext to me.

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