Page 18 of All My Firsts

“Oh my God, this bed is heaven. I feel like I’m sinking into feathers.” She settled and looked into my eyes now that we were face to face.

“Becca, I don’t feel that way about Logan. I know you wish I did, but I don’t.” I noticed there was no disappointment in her face, only acknowledgment.

“OK, I won’t push you with him, but there was definitely something between you and Xander in the hall. What was that about?” She paused, biting her thumb in anticipation. When I didn’t answer, she went on. “I’ve seen you two talk a couple times over the past few weeks. He doesn’t talk to many people on the floor like he talks to you. Are you interested in him?”

I didn’t answer her – I couldn’t. But I think my answer came in the form ofmy silence.

“Oh my God, Lanie!” she shrieked. “You like him, don’t you? Well, what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know if I like him, Becca. I feel something; I’m just not sure what it is yet. He makes me feel, I don’t know, like I can do more, or be moreme.And that was only from that little bit of time I talked to him the night we went bowling.” I was struggling with words to describe how I felt. I think that was because I had no idea how I felt. “And you saw the girl who came out of his room. He obviously is hooking up like you guys said. Plus, even though I ended it with Max, I’m still dealing with him. It’s all so complicated, but I’m working on it. I want to talk to you about all of it, I do, but I’m not ready yet. I promise I will when I am, OK?”

Becca nodded asI said this.

“I don’t care one bit about the girl who came out of Xander’s room, by the way. I saw the way he looked at you, Lanie. It was like that other girl didn’t even exist anymore once he saw you. And Max, well, we all have ‘complicated,’ so I’ll be here whenever you’re ready, no worries.” She reached over and gave me a squeeze. I felt myself melt into her embrace, comforted by the fact I knew I had someone with me, someoneon my side.

“His room party is tomorrow night, isn’t it?” I nodded as we pulled away from each other. “Well, we may have to make you look so super sexy that he won’t know what hit him when you show up. And as far as Logan goes, I guess Ty is trying to take care of that. It might be tough on him for a while, but we’ll make sure things stay normal.”

I nodded in agreement. But we both knew it wasn’t going to be easy dealingwith Logan.

“Let’s figure out what you’ll be wearing to Xander’s party so you can knock his pants off ! I have the cutest dress!” She put her hands up in a pleading position,begging me.

“Nope, not gonna happen. I’m sticking with my jeans, but I will let you pick out whatever top you wannaput me in.”

And then there was a knock at our door. Becca went to it, assuming it was Ty, which italways was.

But this time it wasn’t; it was Logan.

He poked his head in the door as Becca held it partially closed, easily looking around the room over her head. He eventually found what he was looking for when his eyes landed on me. His once stiff body relaxed somewhat, but the tension in his eyes remained.

“Lanie, can we talk? Alone?” He pushed the door open all the way as he said this, coming fully into the room. Becca took the hint.

“Uh, I need to talk to Ty anyway. You OK with this, Lanie?” she asked.

I nodded, and Becca took off down the hall. Logan took a couple steps into the room but then stopped, looking like he wasn’t sure he should move any further. Neither of us spoke for a couple of minutes, the silence lingering for an awkward amount of time.

“Logan, what did you want to talk about?” I finally had to urge him on, which gave him the courage, it seemed, to find a seat at my desk. He sat there, fidgeting with his hands, looking around the room.

“Yeah, OK, I know, uh ...” he stammered. “Here’s the thing. There are a couple things I need to apologize for. I’m just trying to figure out where to begin.” He had resorted to biting a cuticle in between his words to me, he was so nervous. “The other day in the cafeteria, when we saw Xander, I was a dick.” He jumped to standing and paced around the room. I brought myself to the end of my bed, legs hanging over the edge and about to get up when he plopped down next to me. “So, I went to him. Xander.”

“You did?” I was shocked. “Why?”

“Well, first, I didn’t like that I acted like that, to him, in front of you. So I wanted to apologize for being a dick to him. And I want to apologize to you for acting like that in front of you. I know he’s your friend, and I was, I’m ... well, I just shouldn’t have done that. It’s a part of me I’ve been trying to work on,to change.”

He turned to face me on the bed, but we were far enough apart that I was still comfortable. I only then realized I was alone in a room with a guy, on a bed. I was a bit nervous, holding the panic in place. I think he saw it on my face. But he continued.

“Yeah, I’m also sorry for what I said to him about you. It wasn’t my place to tell Xander anything about your personal life. That was fucked up of me, and I’m sorry. I wanted him to know that I shouldn’t have done that and that he needs to keep hismouth shut.”

Wow. I was impressed. Not many eighteen-year-old guys would take it upon themselves to initiate a conversation like that.

“I don’t know if you can forgive me, but I would like us to still be friends. These last few days have been hard on me, too.” He looked sad, his head facing the ground as he spoke. His one hand inched toward me, but I could tell he was unsure if he should touch me. He knew me well, I would give him that.

“Yeah, Logan, we’re still friends, don’t worry. And thanks for coming to me. I think it’s more about us needing each other right now, with Becca and Ty ditching us all the time.” Talking about them as a couple didn’t seem to help the conversation. His open mouth snapped shut, and heclammed up.

“So, how are things with you and Xander now?” I asked, more curious about Xander than anything. Also, trying to changethe subject.

“Believe or not, he’s a cool guy. I misjudged him. He wasn’t a dick about anything when I went to him. I mean, there’s no way he could take me.” He pulled his shirt up and over his arms as he said this; his smug smile as he showed off his biceps lightened the mood. “But, yeah, he’s a nicer guy than I thought. He doesn’t give off that vibe at first, butI like him.”

I nodded. Nice guy. Yeah, I’m sure Xanderwasa nice guy. But to how many girls? And did I want to be one ofthose girls?

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