Page 58 of All My Firsts

“I honestly don’t know.” I looked up at him, thinking I could decide once I saw the lookon his face.

“Is there a lot more to tell?” It seemed as though he was afraid to ask this one, afraid to knowthe answer.

I didn’t know how to answer that question. Of course there was more to tell, but I didn’t really wantto tell it.

This was enough for now. All I coulddo was nod.

He pulled me closer, my head resting on his shoulder. I relaxed against his body, not thinking I could fully relax after what we had just been through, but thankful for it at the same time.

“Thank you for trusting me with your story. I know that had to be really hard, and I need you to know I’m here for you in any way you need me to be. If it’s to hold you, I’m here. If it’s to listen, I’m here. If it’s to just sit in the same room with you, I’m here.” His lips brushed against my forehead once he finished as I reached around and gripped him tighter. I felt his warmth wrapping me up like a blanket, soothing me with every beat of his heart I felt against his chest. He reached his hand around to grip my chin, pulling my face upto see his.

“I’ll always be here for you. I’ll alwayscatch you.”

Xander managed to drag me from the bottom, dig me up from the depths of my despair, and bring us both back to the surface. He was magically able to turn a tragic moment of gloom into one of growth in our relationship.

He rubbed my lip with his thumb, and my eyes closed as I relished the feeling. I was surprised he could easily bring me back to a moment of desire aftermy collapse.

“Alex! Lanie! Timefor dinner!”

“Oh my God, you have got to be kidding me. She has the worst timing!” Xander slammed his back against the wall we were leaning against infrustration.

“Xander, I think she knows exactly what she’s doing. Unfortunately, she has no clue she isn’t interrupting what she thought she was.” My sadness came through, and Xander came to meimmediately.

“Hey, no worries. That’s what’s great about all of this. We have this whole break together. We don’t have to rush with anything. Let’s take our time. Your pace, right?” He leaned in and rested a soft kiss on the outsideof my mouth.

“I don’t think I deserve you, Xander.”

“No, you’ve got it backward. It’s me who needs to work at deserving you, and I’m going to spend every daydoing that.”

“Let’s get going. We’re gonna meet my mom and Bryce at the farm stand in town, pick our tree today.” We bundled up, me especially since I wasn’t used to this northern winter weather. As we headed to the car, my phone pinged with a messagefrom Becca.

Xander continued to be concerned that Max would find a way to get in touch with me, his eyes on my phone as I readthe message.

“It’s Becca just checking in. Don’t worry.” We continued out the door to his Jeep while I read her text. “She’s not too happy with Ty, apparently. I guess I’ll get an earful when we get back to school.” Becca was nervous regarding their relationship heading into this break, and it seemed she hadgood reason.

Xander took a few turns, and we found ourselves on a quaint downtown street.

“Oh my God, your town is so cute. All the decorations make it seem like a Norman Rockwell painting.” The store windows all had holiday displays, and there were lights and wreaths on all the lampposts. It seemed right out of a movie scene. We pulled into a very full lot but luckily found a spot.

“How will we find them? It’s crowded.”

“Don’t worry, Bryce makes himself very easy to find. You’ll see.” He laughed as we got out of the car. As we walked, I was pulling my mittens on when suddenly I was swinging in the air by a pair of arms that weren’t Xander’s. I frantically looked for Xander and found him smiling fromear to ear.

“Is this the gorgeous Lanie I’ve heard so much about? I feel like I already know you, kid!” He finally put me down, spun me around, and gave me a huge hug. Their mom was behind him with a smile to rival Xander’s. “It’s great you’re here with us.”

“Thanks, Bryce. It’s nice to meet you, too.” I tried to match his enthusiasm but feared I fell short. He was a bit shorter than Xander but not by much, and not nearly as broad. His hair was buzzed short, typical police cut, and not as dark as his brother’s. But their eyes, an almost identical navy blue on the both of them, matched their mom’s. Together, I was sure they’d broken many hearts. The two brothers took off, punching and pushing each other as their greeting, but it was obviously one of love. Mrs. James, who had asked me to call her Jane, came up and put her arm through mine.

“I’m sure Alex, or Xander, has told you at least some of our story.” She looked at me expectantly, wanting affirmation of me knowing anything of her husband. I gave a small nod. “The boys are inexplicably close, I think because of what they endured together so young. Even though we went through such horrors, some good really did come out of it. There is always a silver lining, right,sweetheart?”

I felt like she was talking about more than just her boys, trying to reach me in a personal way. I wasn’t sure how much, if any, she knew of my story, but she seemed very wise, and I thought I should pay attention.

“You might think the bad things in life will always overpower the good, but they don’t. Good always seems to prevail as long as you have faith and trust in the ones you love. So trust him, because I see it in his eyes, honey, and I know he loves you already.” She held my cheek before moving on to find her sons.

I needed a moment after that. My eyes were misty, but I held it together. Did Xander love me? I didn’t think I knew what love was yet, but could I love him? Could I bein lovewith him? Is that what this was, what I felt when I was with him, when he touched me? I knew I only wanted to spend time with him. When something good happened, he was the first person I wanted to tell. When I was sad or scared, I needed to reach for him and his strong arms to hold andprotect me.

I walked up on the three of them, who were choosing between two trees, and saw a family I thought I could see myself being a part of. Theywere laughing together but arguing about the trees at the same time. It was obvious the arguments were for the sake of their mom – she would be the decision-maker when it came to the tree they chose. Xander looked over and found me. A huge grin spread across his face, and the genuine emotion I felt from it was heart-stopping. He beckoned me to come to him with his wagging fingers.

“You OK, babe?” He looked at me with concern.

---