Page 57 of All My Firsts

Thinking of meand me only.

I looked up at him, nodding my approval, his smile signaling his desire. The mood shifted; a craving had to be met.

My hands twisted in the long hair on his neck, pulling him closer. I needed him closer. I needed that electric pulse I felt every time he touched me. I needed it all over my body. I felt the backs of my knees hit the edge of the bed, and he gently laid me down. His arms, bent at the elbow, caging my face, surrounded me as he lowered his body onto mine. I felt the heaviness of his body, him supporting most of his weight with a knee between my legs.

Andthen it hit.

The panic.

The anxiety.

The terror.

This was the first time he had been on top of me, his body over me, his weight pushing on me, making me feel as if I couldn’t get up.

I felt trapped.

At first, I froze, my mouth stilled on his. His hands stopped moving as he sensed the shift in our atmosphere, neither of us able to breatheany longer.

It only took seconds, but it felt like timestood still.

But I took control the best I could to try to play it off. His mom was right downstairs. I didn’t want to have a panic attack within minutes of arriving at his house.

“Hey,” I said, gently pushing him away. “We just got here. I would hate for your mom to walk in on us.” Xander searched my face for any sign of distress. I didn’t know how good or badI was doing.

He supported his weight above me, his arms surrounding my head, as he studied my face intently. I held his gaze as best I could, but he knew me. He slowly moved over to the side, turning us to face each other. “You’re not telling me everything right now, areyou, Lanie?”

I turned my face away, ashamed. I was tired of being incapable of a normal relationship. Tired of not being able to be intimate. He reached out to turn my face to him, but I hauled myself up to the top of the bed and covered my face with my hands.

“Lanie, it’s OK.” His hands sought mine, trying to pull my arms apart, but I resisted. Instead, he resorted to sitting up against the wall next to me, his legs leaning against mine, his shoulders slouched in defeat. We sat this way for a while, the silence getting louder and louder between us. It was deafening.

I don’t know why I suddenly felt ready, but I did.

I felt ready tolet him in.

“He was always on top of me, forcing himself on me, not letting me up, ever.” I still had my face hidden, these confessions too laden with shame to look up. Xander didn’t move, I think afraid if he did, Imight stop.

“Most times, when he was raping me, his hands would be around my throat, choking me out to keep me quiet, keep me from screaming. There were times I thought he would kill me, his hold was so tight, and there were times I wished he had.” I snuck a peek only to see him staring straight ahead, his eyes distant but appearing to gather tears. His hands were balanced on his bent knees as he twisted them together.

I was nervous this was going to changeeverything.

Changeus forever.

“Ya know, that first night, when Max and I were introduced, it started then. We were in my parents’ pool house, and he attacked me, ripped my panties off, groped me, invaded my body with his hands. He didn’t have ‘sex’ with me that first time, but he did other things, things that scared me and messed with my head. My first kiss was only minutes before, and here he was touching himself while he was touching me, all over my body, ripping mydress off.”

I paused, gathering myself. This was harder than I expected. I’d never spoken these words to anyone. But now that I’d started, I felt like it all neededto come out.

“I haven’t worn another dress since that night.” I finally looked up and turned my head to find Xander’s gaze upon mine, his face unreadable. “I refused to make it easy for himever again.”

“Alex? Lanie?” Xander’s mom was fast approaching his room, and he raced to the door so she wouldn’t interrupt us, knowing this moment was too important.

Xander ran into the hall to intercept her before she made it to us, closing the door behind him. All I could hear were quiet mumblings before he came back in, the door clicking backinto place.

“She’s going to call us when dinner is ready.” That was all he said as he returned to his spot next to me on the bed, but this time, he reached out and grabbed for my hand. I relinquished, allowing him to hold it in his, enjoying the supportit offered.

The interruption seemed to kill the moment, and I wasn’t sure how much more I wanted to divulge. I absentmindedly started rubbing his hand with my thumb, my mind stuck between wanting to tell him everything and wanting to protect myself from what really happened.

“Do you want to tell me any more?” Xander’s voice was calm.

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