Page 59 of All My Firsts

“Yeah, I’m good. This is good.” He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on my lips that made me soar.

“Xander, I can’t have any more hot chocolate. I’m going to bust!” I yelled at him as I pushed his hand away with the kettle. He was trying to refill my cup.

We had spent hours decorating the house and tree. It was fun, but at the same time it made me nostalgic for my childhood, the years when Christmas was good back home in Texas. I couldn’t help missing my parents on our first Christmas apart. I looked around at the three of them. Bryce had his arms around his mom on their own couch as they gazed at the tree. Xander and I were cozied up together on a chair. I felt a twinge of guilt for feeling happy with them.

“Well, children, I think I’m done for the night,” Jane said as she stood. “I still have to get up for work in the morning. I think the tree and house look wonderful. Good night, kiddos.” She came around with hugs and kisses for all of us.

Bryce was the next to stand. “I need to head out too, bro. I have an early day tomorrow. But I put in to take some time off while you’re home. Maybe come by the station next week to see some of the guys. They want to bust your balls. It’s been a while.” He leaned in and they did the bro hug thing. Bryce turned toward me as he was walking away from us.

“Lanie, I really don’t get why you’re with him, but I totally get why he’s with you. If he pisses you off, I’m available to console youin any way.”

Xander got up and gave him a punch to the arm. “Dude, get the fuck out of here, seriously, before I really hurt you. You forgettin’ I’m bigger than you?” The two of them walked together, laughing,to the door.

And then itwas just us.

Xander took me by the hand and led me to the couch. We settled in, cuddling, admiring our work around the room andon the tree.

“I like Bryce. You are a lot alike, and I love seeing the two of you together. You guys have a special bond.” I snuggled into the crook of his shoulder and pulled the blanket higher up. The fire was dying down, and it was getting colderin the room.

“I really don’t want to talk about my brother. I was counting the minutes for them to leave us alone.” He maneuvered himself so our chests were aligned, and I looked up at him.

“Listen,” he said, “I know last night didn’t end well for us, but I’d like to try something to help you move beyond what you went through in your past. I’ll go slow, but you only need to say the word and I’ll stop. Wouldthat be OK?”

I nodded.

“Lanie, talk to me. Tell me you understand. I really need to know that this is OK, that you want me to try this, that you want this.” His blue eyes looked almost black in the fire light, dark and stormy with both passion and worry.

“I understand.” But I was a bit nervous. And way too shy to talk about it. But I somehow got the words out, knowing my consent was important to him. “I want to try this with you.”

“OK, we’re going to take this slow. I want to make you feel good. That’s my goal tonight: to make you feel good.” His hands were trailing their way down my arms to my hips, around to my ass. I involuntarily pushed up against him, his hardness upagainst me.

“Notyet, babe.”

He got up and turned off all the lights except for the Christmas tree. Between those and the light of the fire, itwas magical.

He came back to the couch and sat in front of me. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Then trust me to worship you and your body. I will never hurt you or do anything you don’t want me to do. Only say the word and I’ll stop, OK?”

All I did was nod. He rendered me speechless. My breaths were ragged as my heart beat wildlyin my chest.

His hands inched forward and grasped the hem of my shirt, lifting it up slowly. “Remember, I’m yours, and you’re mine. I’ll never hurt you.” His eyes were intent on mine, making sure I was ready for what we were doing, clearly afraid my past experiences withhimwould come backto haunt me.

But not tonight, not now. This was only Xander and me. No one else was here withus for this.

He lifted the shirt up and over my head, then ran his fingertips down my outstretched arms, making the hairs rise up all over my body. His fingers continued down the sides of my torso to the top of my jeans. He wrapped his arms around the back of me and found the clasp to my bra, and a small gasp escaped.

“Is this OK, Lanie? Do you wantme to stop?”

“No, I ... I’m good, I’m fine.” I was so flustered I couldn’t keep my eyes open, the lids fluttering closed.

“Stay with me, babe. I want you to stay with me.” I opened my eyes to see him intently staring into my soul, seeing parts of me no one had ever seen before. It was almost too much. I felt like I had to look away. But I didn’t. I held his stare, licking my lips.

“Do you know what you do to me, Lanie?” He swallowed hard after asking that. “I don’t think you do. Just you licking your lips has me wanting to rip the rest of our clothes off right here, right now. But I made a promise to myself that tonight was going to be all about you. So, try not to make it too hard on me, OK?”he chuckled.

His smoldering eyes became hooded as he leaned in and our mouths merged as if one. His hand made quick work of the hooks behind me as his mouthpulled away.

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