Page 5 of All My Firsts

“Hi, Becca.”

He was talking to Becca but looking directly at me.

I wanted to look away. I had to look away.

ButI couldn’t.

It was as if I was mesmerized, in some sort of trance. His eyes held something in them I felt I should recognize, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I was able to break the connection. But only because I walked right into the back of Becca, who had stopped at a dorm room and started knocking. I snapped my attention toXanderto see if he had seen my blunder. A deep dimple appeared on his cheek while his eyes crinkled around the edges, giving me my answer.

Twice already I had embarrassed myself in front of this beautiful stranger who didn’t feel like a stranger at all.

But why didI even care?

“Hey, guys, Lanie’s coming with us. You ready to go?” Becca was talking into an open door while I leaned against the wall in the hallway. I stood there with my arms crossed, hood still up, eyes down, waiting on everyone to start walking. I saw three other sets of shoes in my field of vision and decided to look up. Becca had started up ahead with the lankier of the guys. But the bulkier of the two was waiting on me. He was eyeing me up like I was a three-headed monster that might eat himfor dinner.

“What’s your problem? What are you looking at?” I was a lot nastier than I needed to be. I wasn’t deep in the friends department, and that surely wouldn’t help. But it wasn’t part of my plan, making friends.

“Sorry, just trying to figure out why you’re finally emerging from your cocoon tonight of all nights. Is it a full moon or something? Are you going to change into some blood-sucking monster I need to beafraid of?”

I knew he was joking, but it still pissed me off. I skirted around him and started walking down the hall. I wanted to catch up to Becca and the other guy, who I heard her say was Ty. So, this winner I was with must have been Logan. And I hoped he wasn’t as much of a douchebag as his name and comments dictated.

He ran and caught up to me.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that. I was only joking. I know Becca said you’ve been having some trouble getting used to being here at Blue Ridge, and I’m sure that didn’t help. Can we start again?”

He pulled at my shoulderto stop me.

And that was not the bestthing to do.

I yanked myself out of reach at his unsolicited touch as if he had struck me with a hot poker, and it didn’t go unnoticed. He jumped back, startled bymy response.

“Whoa, Lanie, it’s OK,” he said as he backed away with his hands up to show he meant no harm. “I didn’t mean to touch you. It’s OK.”

I cowered against the wall but tried to stay calm. I didn’t need my first excursion out of the room with other people to end up in a panic attack, but I was struggling. I took a few deep breaths and felt myself coming down from the edge; it was the first time I’d been able to do this in the presence of another person, especiallya stranger.

“We good now?” he asked.

I nodded.

“OK, let’s go catch up with Becca and Ty,”Logan said.

“I’ll be right there. Have them hold the elevator, OK?” I mustered up as much strength as I could to speak normally so Logan would give me a few moments alone to gather myself.

The walls around me seemed blurry. They were closing in on me as I leaned back against them. I was finding it hard to breathe, my breaths erratic, my chest pounding.

I pushed my hands down to my knees and forced myself to breathe with measured breaths. Closing my eyes, I started counting to myself, hoping itwould help.

As I settled down, I could feel someone watching me and looked down the hall. A set of deep blue eyes were boring into mine, acknowledging, all knowing. He was leaning up against the doorjamb of his room, arms crossed. While he looked at me, that same thing was there in his eyes that I recognized from before but couldn’t pinpoint.

I should have felt embarrassed by what he saw, but for some reason I didn’t. Instead, I felt a sense of calm come over me. I think he sensed that as he nodded and went back inside his room.

I stood there for a moment after he disappeared through his door, dumbfounded. Why was I not shaking? Running from him? I tabled my unusual reaction for later thought and continued on my way down the hall.

I finally made it to the elevator lobby, all three of them looking at me as if I might break. I got on the elevator without speaking, and we went to the first floor in an awkward silence. They walked ahead of me to the cafeteria while I trailed behind. It made me wonder if I should have stayedin my room.

There was a reason I didn’t do people; I wasn’t good atit anymore.

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