Page 6 of All My Firsts

There was a time when I was one of the most popular people back at home. Before Max, I had a large group of friends, both guys and girls. We hung out every weekend, at a different house each week. I even had guys interested in me as a girlfriend, but it never made it to that level before Max came into the picture. Once Max and I were “together,” I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends anymore because they were, according to him, “too immature” for us to associate with. And he wasn’t the kind of guy who had a large group he hung out with. Karl was his only friend, and only recently had I felt a connection to him. And Karl had a new girlfriend every week, so I couldn’t even connect with any of the girls he brought around, they were gone so fast.

And there I was, with three new people, and I still had no oneto talk to.

I made my way to the salad bar and made a simple one, not sure I had an appetite anymore. Becca and I met up in line, and we looked for a table together.

“Glad you came with us, Lanie. I’ve been wanting to hang out with you,” Becca said with some hesitation. I’m sure Logan told her what happened between us. She was really trying, but she was probably regretting asking me to come. But I decided to try this with her, so I would. We walked around, finally finding a table for the four of us, and I decided I’d put some effort into conversing during dinner. Maybe even take my hood down.

The guys found their way to us, and we all settled in with our food.

“So, Lanie, where are you from?” Ty asked.

I should have been prepared for this; a barrage of questions for the newcomer to the group was bound to happen. How was I going to avoid answering all of these? I was going to come across as a real bitch if I didn’t give them something. Taking my time chewing the mouthful of chicken, I looked at Ty as he was waiting for meto respond.

“I’m from Texas,” I started, “but I don’t really like to talk about what I left behind, if that’s OK with you guys. Very happy to be here and not there, if you get what I mean.” I looked around, hoping some eye contact would appease them for a while rather than any more facts from my past.

It seemed to be working. I got some nods and looks of sympathy, all workingin my favor.

“I completely get that,” Logan said in agreement while stuffing his mouth with his last fajita. He was a big guy, football player big, tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, very good-looking. It appeared he would need at least two more meals like the one he just finished to maintain the massive muscles protruding through his clothes. “I loved coming here and getting away from some crazy shit going on at home. It’s nice to have a clean startsometimes.”

Maybe Logan understood about wanting to get away and disappear. I opened up the slightest bit and made a connection; that felt good. I smiled softly at him, then looked away, down at my tray. He was sitting next to me, and I saw the slow approach of his hand toward mine, felt the soft touch to my fingers. I was tempted to pull my hand away but knew that would make a scene at the table, so I kept it still and in place.

“You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to. No worries, Lanie.” He pulled his hand away and went back to eating what was left on his tray, which wasn’t much. I had done it. I let him, another guy, touch me, and I didn’t freak out. I motioned my tray toward him to see if he wanted to finish anyof my food.

“Are you sure?” he questioned. “You barely ate anything.”

“Go ahead, I’m not hungry.” He dug into the rest of my salad while Ty and Becca laughed at his insatiable appetite. Becca smiled at me from across the table, almost as if to say she was happy for me.

HappyI was here.

Happy Iwas talking.

HappyI just was.

And there it was again. The idea of being happy. It might only take the smallest thing.

It was such a small thing that had just happened – a tiny, insignificant thing to most people. But to me it wasmonumental.

And how sad was it that I was the happiest I had been in over three years with three people I had just met who knew nothing about me? I survived a panic attack and was eating a meal with three almost strangers.

But for the first time since I came to school, I felt likeI belonged.

Chapter 3

“Lanie, you would look sooo cute in this sundress of mine. Why don’t you wear this tonight? Why can’t you wear anything otherthan jeans?”

Becca was on my case as we were getting ready. I was beginning to second-guess my decision to go out with her and the guys. We were going bowling. Who really needs to wear a dress to go bowling anyway? Jeans make much more sense, and she had no idea she was never getting mein a dress.

“Nope, I’m good in my jeans. Sorry, Becca. But I’ll compromise; I’ll let you do my makeup, how ’bout that?” I looked over at her and loved the smile that puton her face.

In the past couple of weeks, I’d been able to coexist with other humans as a person should. I think the distance between me and Max was allowing me to feel more comfortable with people. Becca was being so patient and encouraging, getting me to hang out with her and some of the other girls on the floor some nights. And it had become a nightly ritual for us and Ty and Logan to eat dinner together, the four of us becoming an unlikely foursome.

“Can I do your hair, too? You would look so good with some curls. You have such beautiful blonde hair, but you always wear it straight. Let me curl it for you tonight!” Becca pleaded.

“Makeup only, take it or leave it.” She gave me a pouty face, but I knew she was kidding. As far as we had come, she knew not to push or I’d go right back into my shell. I sat in her desk chair so she could start on my makeup, and that was when I felt my phone startto light up.

“Is that your phone getting all those texts? My God, who is that? Seems like it must be something important. Do you need a minute?” Becca stopped thinking I was going to look at my phone, but I knew who it was and I had no intention of looking at the messages.

Right before I left for school, I blindsided Max. I told him I didn’t want us to be together anymore. I told him I never wanted to see him again and got in the car with my parents and drove off.

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