Page 123 of Straight to Me

Friday is a blur. After VP left I sat crying until I physically had nothing left in me. After that, I dragged myself off the floor and back to reality. I eventually made it to my bed, but I don’t know what time that was.

The first thing I do is check my phone. Various messages from Bex and Jess sit on my lock screen, but nothing from him. I don’t know why I expected anything. Not after everything that happened. But his reasons for leaving don’t register, all I can focus on is that he’s gone.

The door buzzer wakes me half an hour later, having dozed off again after sending out cancellations for my get together. It’s easy to believe I’m too tired from the journey home. I can leave out everything else that happened.

I drag myself out of bed, wincing at the flare of pain at my ribs. The man at the door is apparently here to install my new Wi-Fi. Confused, he shows me his booking and sure enough, the name Dean Carter booked my installation slot last week. After letting him in, I offer him a tea, then head to the bathroom for a much-needed shower.

After he’s gone I connect my phone, aimlessly staring at the screen wondering whether I should text VP to thank him for sorting the internet. I think about what else I want to say.

But what else was lefttosay?

It was clear we loved each other, but he couldn’t have me in his life anymore. I think about fighting for him, about running to him to make him see how ridiculous this is. But past experience has taught me there’s no point in trying once they’ve made up their mind.

I must have something wrong with me. A screw loose somewhere, to have believed so quickly that he would be mine so easily.

Still, the hole I bore through my phone is enough to make me ignore my stomach gurgling as I lay on the sofa. It hadn’t even been one day since I saw him. One measly day and already I miss his voice, his smell, his touch. My head is a mess, my insides feel as if they’re dying.

Later that evening, I feel more awake than I had all day, my body clock shattered by the time difference. Jess messaged earlier saying she knew something was wrong and she’d be over tomorrow. I didn’t protest. I know she’ll make me feel better, even though the thought of seeing anyone makes me feel exhausted.

Having no food in the flat, I dress and go to the shop.

It's ridiculous, walking up and down the aisles. My mind won’t let up, everywhere I look I’m seeing him. Even the burgers I pick up take me back to camping with him, how he’d made sure I was okay when I came on my period. How loving he had been, holding me close, his warm hands lessening the pain from my cramps. In my own little world thinking of him, I don’t hear the voice saying my name from behind, “Mads?”

I turn around reluctantly and see Alex.

“Alex, hi. Sorry I was miles away.”

“Like the last time we met here.” I shake my head slightly at remembering bumping into him with my trolley. Then how Dean’s hand had tightened on me, his irrational reaction to me talking to a man he didn’t know. I hold my arm across my chest and shake the memory from my mind.

“Oh god, yes, sorry. I should pay more attention.”

“How was your trip?”

Awful. “Fine, thank you.”

His eyes scan over me. “You sure? You look tired.”

“I’m sure, thanks. Just a long flight that’s all.”

“Okay.” He studies my face, not convinced by my answer.

Fortunately, what’s left of the bruising is covered by my rollneck jumper and my loose hair down the side of my face. But my eyes still weigh heavy, mostly from all the crying I’ve done in the past twelve hours.

“How have things been with work?” I ask out of politeness more than anything.

“All good. Can’t believe we still have to wait for you to officially start. Lauren was keen to see you again next week, if you’re free that is. I could set it up?”

“Sure, why not.” I have nothing else to do with my time now.

“Excellent. Should I email or would a text be better?” Having only ever communicated with Alex via email, I can’t help feeling funny about giving him my number. I know it’s not, but in my emotional state it feels like an intimate gesture that I can’t handle right now.

“Email’s fine, thank you.” I smile a little furtively. Alex drops his head momentarily before looking back at me.

“That’s fine, I’ll be in touch soon.” He smiles tenderly, then walks past me. “It was good to see you,” he says turning back as if it’s an afterthought. I catch his eye, smiling awkwardly, before I turn and continue with my shopping.

Back at home, having unpacked the fresh food, I take more tablets for the pain then find my phone. Bex demands I call her, but I know I’ll crack the second I hear her voice. Messaging will be easier.

Bex: Madison, what’s going on? Has something happened? Are you okay?

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