Page 124 of Straight to Me

Me: It’s over. Dean, he left

Bex: What?!

Me: His cousin and I were in a car accident. I’m fine, but Jack was hurt bad. He feels as though it’s his fault.

Bex: Oh my god! Why the hell haven’t you called? Does Jess or your mum know?

Me: I’m seeing Jess tomorrow, I’ll tell her then. Honestly, I’m fine

She knows me better than that though.

Bex: Bullshit. You won’t have eaten, you’ll be motionless not taking care of yourself. I’m coming up, the second this morning sickness has gone, I’m coming to see you

Me: No, I’m fine Bex. I got over Chris, I can get over Dean

I hope.

I hate calling him that. Using his name feels alien, like I’m talking about someone else.

Bex: Difference is, you didn’t love Chris the way that you love Dean. I’ve never seen you that happy Madison. The crash, was it bad?

Me: Bad enough. I start work soon, I’ll be distracted. Please trust me, I can do it by myself this time. I don’t want to, but I will x

Bex: Just remember you are who you are, don’t change you for someone else. I know you’ll be okay. Under the surface, you’re a lot stronger than you realise x

That’s just it, I didn’t have to change any part of me for him. He loved me for who I was. That’s why I love him. He challenged me, pushed me to try new things, pushed me out of my comfort zone. He never tried to change me, he just showed me more of who I was.

I say goodnight to Bex and go to bed.

The noise in my head is so loud as I try to fall asleep by myself. After a while, I crawl out from my bed, needing painkillers desperately. It’s late, the dead of night sits heavy outside my window as I head to the kitchen. I open the fridge door, spying the bottle of wine I bought earlier. It seems like a good idea. It’ll put me to sleep and maybe numb the pain at the same time.

Alone in the dark, I try to wash away some of the agony I feel sat at the small dining table pushed up against the wall. After only a few sips, I feel the buzz in my legs. The tingling sensation indicating my plan is working.

More, I need more to stop the hurting. Not just the physical hurt, but the emotional hurt haunting my body. Downing the first glass, I pour my second and sit back in my chair. I rub my tired eyes and sore neck, my fingers catching the necklace.

I gently pull it out from under my t-shirt and roll it in my fingers. A sudden feeling of guilt for not giving it back takes over. I head back to my room and grab my phone off charge, then shuffle back to sit at the table.

With a large sip of wine, I unlock my phone and bring up a new message to him.

Me: I still have your mum’s necklace. Let me know when’s a good time to return it to you

Dropping my phone to the table, I finish my glass in silence. He doesn’t message back, leaving me annoyed that he can sleep while I can’t and that I even messaged him at all.

Jess arrives Saturday afternoon with food and more wine. My head is banging as I tell her everything that happened. It wasn’t my intention, but she, like Bex, knew I was trying to pull the wool over her eyes in some way.

I couldn’t hide it anymore, I needed to get it all off of my chest. In between sobbing and getting angry, I tell her how we’d been chased after we arrived in Perth, how I’d watched VP kill someone in self-defence, then about Jack and the car accident.

Flabbergasted by my confessions, Jess helps me drink the other bottle in the fridge.

“I still can’t quite wrap my head around all of this,” she says taking a sip from her glass, “guns, shooting people… it sounds like something out of a movie.”

“I know.”

There’s a short silence before Jess speaks again.

“What do you think he’s doing now?”

“I don’t know.” I stare at the blank wall. She drags her sagged body off my sofa. Both of us have slumped whilst we drink, drowning out my sad reality.

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