Page 62 of Chase

“What?” I giggle as he throws his head back with a sigh.

“I have you where I’ve wanted you for years, in my bed, in my heart, and with me in yours.”

“You haven’t heard it all yet,” I murmur, “don’t be so sure you’ll still want me.”

“I will always want you, no matter what. So, stop it!” he says as he pulls me into his arms again.

I hope so.

Chapter 22

Theo

I wake up in an empty bed with the sun streaming in from the curtains. I’ve overslept. In fact, my alarm clock didn’t go off. Izzy switched off my alarm. And when I turn over to check the time, I see why. A single white, nameless envelope is sitting in plain sight, just waiting to tell me what she has been hiding from me; what has her screaming in the middle of the night; what has made her so guarded and terrified of her brother.

You’d think I’d rip it open, try to read it as soon as possible, however, something stops me. Instead, I get up and make my way over to the shower, undress, and stand beneath the hot water. I soap up, wash my hair, shave, brush my teeth, dress, all the mundane routine things I do every day. To the naked eye, I look calm, collected, and unfazed. On the inside, however, I am a mess of emotions and puzzled thoughts. How the hell am I going to handle what she’s been through? What am I going to do to stop myself from killing whoever hurt her? Because someone has hurt her, someone will deserve my fury. But what Izzy deserves is to have me be here for her,not be dragged away becauseI’ve ripped someone’s head off with my own bare hands.

When I finally make my way downstairs, I sit on the couch with the envelope clutched between my trembling fingers. My heart begins to pound with force, not least of all because I know just how scared Izzy is of telling me what’s hidden inside of this letter. I feel sick, so sick, but I have to know, for my sake as well as hers. At the end of the day, all that matters is that I am able to help her move on, but I can’t do that if I don’t know.

Dear Theo

I want you to know that I understand if this letter changes things between us. If you want to run far away from me, I won’t try to stop you. Sometimes life is so unfair, it doesn’t matter who was at fault, who was the victim, you still can’t move past what has happened. And so, if you cannot look at me the way you have been over the last week or so, I urge you to move on. In fact, I beg you to move on. I already look at myself with disgust every time I look in the mirror, I couldn’t bear to see even a hint of that from the boy who, regardless of what I’ve said, has always been my best friend, my knight, my savior.

After you left, my mother decided she was ‘done’ taking care of me and no longer wanted to ‘give up her life’ to take care of me. Ethan was studying from home and apart from football, he barely left the house. It was decided, therefore, that he would be in charge of me, including delivering any discipline I needed. It won’t surprise you to know that he took this role like a duck to water. It was very rare for me not to have a bruise or cut somewhere on my body. He wasn’t only physically violent, he constantly put me down in the worst way possible. He’d have dear Tilly to help with that side of things. I’m not sure if she knew how rough he was, orwhether she simply refused to acknowledge it. You could say the same of my parents. A bruise to my face, arms, or neck was never questioned. Not once.

Ethan was always cruel, like an evil villain from a cheap film, so in the end, I turned to Mum’s vodka and whatever bottles of alcohol I could find around the house. I was so heartbroken over you, so destroyed by Tilly and Ethan’s bullying and my parents’ dismissal of me, I turned to something to numb it all out. I’m ashamed to say I was inebriated most evenings after school.

One day, Ethan brought his football buddies home after one of their games. I remember walking to the top of the stairs to listen in on them, trying to work out if I would be in for something painful if I went down there. They were playing poker, and my vision was already blurred, so I went back to hide in my room. About an hour later, the door was thrown open and there Ethan stood, looking villainous with a smile that would haunt me forever. He threw his arm out, gesturing to me, and told his friends that in payment for some game he had lost, they could do whatever they wanted to me…anything.

And they did, Theo, over and over again. I tried to fight them, but my body had no strength against these meaty football players. Not to mention, I had practically poisoned myself with alcohol. So, then I decided to try and block it out, but it hurt so much, I couldn’t. They queued up while Ethan held me down, muttering about how much I deserved this because I was a ‘whore’ and whatever else he could think of. I screamed, I begged, I cried, but it was no good. They just kept coming.

Eventually, I was left in a broken bundle on the floor, covered in my own blood. I crawled inside the shower with the ice cold water flowing over me so it would numb me from feeling anything. I don’t even know the name of the guy who took myvirginity and I feel so, so dirty for it.

I phoned the police, convinced they would help me, save me, or at least do something. My parents would finally take me into their arms and give me comfort and apologize for leaving me to this fate. I pictured it all so clearly inside of my head. But they didn’t. They thought so little of me, they refused to save me. Instead, they vilified me as a compulsive liar to save not only Ethan, but their own perfect lives.

A week past by before Ethan sought his revenge, when he too, took me as roughly as he could. My own brother raped me to punish me, to inflict as much pain as he could. As he held me down, he told me this is what I would get if I ever tried to tell anyone again. And why would I ever try to tell anyone? No one took any notice of what I had to say. I had no voice.

I’m so sorry, Theo. I know I should have told you before I let things go further between us because now you know that you’ve fallen for someone who has been raped by her own brother. Every day I feel like the common whore they’ve always accused me of being.

The funny thing is, the thing that earned me that reputation, the night I had spent with you, was the only beautiful and innocent thing I have ever shared with a man. They cheapened it, Theo, but it meant everything to me and always will. Whenever I think of those dark moments, I always force myself to think of that night with you; it’s the only thing that stops me from falling, Theo. You.

So as I said, I understand if you don’t want to stay with me, because now you know how broken and tainted I am. I’m disgusting but I can’t change it. It’s who I am.

Your bestfriend,

Izzy

As I read those last words, with all breath suspended inside of my body, I scrunch up the paper and drop my head between my knees to stop myself from passing out. I’m not ashamed to say I let the tears pour down my face as I emit something akin to a roar made from both fury and sadness for the most beautiful and special girl in the world. I want to kill, I want to torture, and I want to maim. My poor Izzy, my girl, my love.

My blind rage and aching heart have me acting without thinking as I tear the room apart in abject fury and hurt for my love. And in my blindness, I don’t see her standing in the hallway while I rip the place apart with my bare hands. I don’t see the tears streaming down her face because she doubts her own worth to me. But when she breathes back a soft whimper, I finally turn around to see her crumbling. My rage instantly melts into the background, and instead, I run to close the gap between us, so I can catch hold of her as she falls, vowing to never ever let her go.

“How could you think that, Izzy? How could you think this would make me not want you anymore? How can you think those things about yourself? You’re so stupid, Iz, so, so, stupid!”

I wrap her up tightly against me all the while she cries against my chest and I pepper her head with furious kisses. Still trembling, I grip hold of her arms and pull back, ducking my head so my eyes are in line with her wet, puffy, red ones.

“You listen here, and you listen good, I am yours forever and you are mine, no matter what. I love you no matter what, do you hear me?” She nods through her cries, but I need more, I need her to be convinced beyond a doubt. “Say it, say it to me so I know you believe me!”

“I-I am…I am yours…no matter what,” she just about manages to say before pausing to take a deep breath. “A-and you are mine.”

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