Page 64 of Lost Boy

“How so?” Kat says, scooching closer to her husband, almost like having him that much closer will help her calm down.

“If I don’t tell him, I’m being dishonest. But if I tell him, I could compromise his recovery by putting too much pressure on him all at once.” I lean back a little in my seat. “Either way … I’mnot doing the right thing. It’s a catch-22.” I look each of them in the eye, shifting from one to another. “I know you don’t know me. I’d understand if you were wary of me, showing up here, telling you I’m pregnant with your son’s baby. But I need you to know that I want what is truly best for Cade. Even if that isn’t me. And whatever I can do to help him or you guys through his recovery, I’ll do it.”

“I believe you.” Kat stands, walking over to me and holding her hands out.

Standing, I embrace her. And I cry. She cries. It’s a sob-fest. I love my mom, but she’s nothing like Kat Huff. Cade’s mother is kind, soft while being strong, and clearly loves unconditionally.

I don’t know what will come of Cade and me. But I know one thing: I’m thankful that this baby will have Kat as their family.

And when Caden hugs me next, promising me it is going to be all right and that Cade and this baby are going to be fine, I’m thankful for him too.

And for the first time in weeks, I feel something.

Hope.

Because with a family like his, I truly believe Cade can be stronger than his addiction. And somehow, someway, I want to be a part of his recovery.

A little while later, we sit at the table, finishing the sandwiches Kat made us. I didn’t plan on staying this long, but when she insisted, I sort of didn’t want to leave. Remi is waiting for me back at our room, but when I asked her if she was okay with me being gone longer, she assured me she was fine and that she had found a “bomb-ass mall” just down the road.

“From what I’ve read, Cade is going to be advised against being in a romantic relationship,” Kat says, taking a sip of her tea and giving me a sympathetic smile. “However, maybe when you’re pregnant and it isn’t a brand-new relationship, perhaps that changes things?”

“No, no.” I shake my head quickly, feeling the need to explain. “I don’t expect him to break the rules for me. And if that’s what is suggested when he leaves, I one thousand percent would like to stick to that plan.” I sigh, putting my napkin on my now-empty plate. Eating hasn’t been easy lately, but today, it didn’t feel like a chore to do it. “I do really wish I could see him though. To apologize, you know?” I sink into myself. “But I know that’s selfish.”

“It’s far from selfish, girl.” Caden grins. “I’d say that little shit is lucky to have you.”

“I’d have to agree.” Kat laughs the slightest bit, and I wonder how hard it’s been for her to do that since dropping Cade off. “What about a letter?” She shrugs. “Nothing romantic, but something to let him know you’re here for him. We could deliver it when we go out there for Christmas.”

My heart breaks at the thought of Cade sitting in a rehab facility, celebrating the holidays. And then it travels to next year. And I can’t help but wonder if we will be raising this child together or apart. Will he even want to be involved in his or her life? And worse … will he even be sober still? God, I hope so.

Reaching in my back pocket, I pull out a letter. I wrote a bunch, but I didn’t tell him about the baby in any of them. This one is easy and friendly. I think it is appropriate too.

Sliding it across the table, I smile. “If he seems okay, if he’s … strong enough, I’d love for him to have this.” When I see Caden’s eyes fill with anxiousness, I quickly add, “It doesn’t say anything about the baby, I promise. I figured … we’ll find a way to say that later.”

He relaxes and gives me a small nod. “Yes, of course. Sorry.”

After visiting a while longer, we exchange phone numbers, and I’m headed out the door.

And I’d give anything to be in the car with them when they go and see their son.

21

Cade

It’s Christmas morning, and my parents are here. They stopped in last night and did some of the planned festivities, and even though I feel like I’m twelve years old when I say this, I really loved having them here. Almost felt like I was a kid again. Maybe my mind wants to take me back to that time—before everything got so complicated. We ended the night with a family therapy session, which I know, deep down, my dad fucking hates, like me. But he went. And he even shared his feelings, all that mushy shit.

Now, here we are, trudging down the hill because Buck just told me that Beauty is in labor and he knew how much I wanted to see her have her baby. I don’t understand myself why I want to. I just know that I want to be there when that scrawny thing enters the world.

“I’m not going to lie; I didn’t even want to be there when you were born. I ended up fainting and smashing my head on the floor. So, I really don’t know about a slimy baby horse.” My dadscowls. “Can’t I just see it after the mom shits it out and cleans it off?”

“If you pass out, just make sure you don’t land in some horse shit.” I laugh, shaking my head.

I know he isn’t joking. But my dad really hates anything that involves blood. And he really did faint while my mom was in labor.

The second Buck told me Beauty was in labor, my mom was up and out of her chair before she even had a chance to finish her coffee. She’s always been an animal lover, and I can tell that she’s happy with how much time I’ve spent caring for the horses lately. It’s something unexpected—my interest in horses.

Jackie—who works at the rehab as well as helps with the horses—is crouched down. And when she sees me, she smiles. “Think we’re going to have ourselves a Christmas baby, Cade. And guess what. You’re just in time because that baby is coming outnow.”

I can’t believe I’m standing here, wanting to watch this damn horse push a fucking baby out of its body. But since I started spending time with this horse, it almost seems like Beauty understands me or some shit. Her eyes look into my soul, and as dumb as it might sound … she’s sort of helped heal me. She calms me—although I don’t have a fucking clue why.

---