Page 63 of Lost Boy

“Don’t be sorry at all,” she answers sweetly.

I can see her son gets his eyes from her, and I wonder if our baby will have those same kind eyes.

“What can we do for you, Haley?” She waves toward the living room. “And please, sit down.”

Yeah … you’re going to want to sit down too,I think, biting my lower lip as a way to cope with the nerves. It doesn’t work.

Once we’ve all had a seat—me on the small love seat and the two of them on the couch—I sigh. “So, not many people know this, but before Cade went away …” I stop, seeing the sadness that covers Kat’s face from my words. “Well, Cade and I were sort of seeing each other.”

I blush, hoping they don’t notice.Who am I kidding?We weren’t exactly seeing each other. We were hooking up. But I can’t tell his parents that.

“Oh, really?” She doesn’t hide the shock in her voice. “Yes, I’m sorry to say I had no idea.”

“No one really did.” I tuck my hair behind my ears anxiously. “Just my best friend, Remi. And I think Watson had his suspicions too.”

“I see. Did you know he was … using?” Caden asks, glancing at his wife.

“Not until just before he went away.” I tell them the truth, still feeling the same guilt for not knowing sooner. “I should have told someone as soon as I saw. As soon as I suspected it, I should have gone to Hunter. Or you guys. But I told my brother and Watson when I knew he really needed help.” Tears fill my eyes. “Before he left, I had been spending quite a bit of time with him, and I had no idea. I’m so sorry that I didn’t figure it out sooner.” I wipe my eyes. “Looking back, I see the signs I missed. I’m so mad at myself for not seeing it earlier.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Kat quickly says. Her voice thick with sadness. “He’s very,verygood at hiding when he needs help.”

“I keep wondering, you know, did I not pay enough attention to him?” I shake my head. “I don’t know. I hate that he didn’t—” I stop as a lump of emotion grows in my throat.

“You hate that he didn’t think he could tell you?” Kat whispers, her eyebrows lifting.

I nod slowly. “Yeah. Like he thought … he thought I’d walk away or something if I knew.” I sniffle. “I would never.”

“We’ve beaten ourselves up for years, trying to figure out how we missed it. Or what we did wrong to lead him to drugs in the first place,” Caden says, staring off in the distance. “I still don’t know the answer. But I’ll tell you this much: this isn’t your fault, Haley.”

“He’s right.” Kat smiles. “So, if you’re feeling guilty, don’t.” Her eyes gloss over with tears, and she covers her mouth. “I’m his mother, and for so long, I didn’t know.” She puts her hand to her chest. “It’s my job to know when something is off with my child, and I had no idea.”

Caden moves closer to her, pulling her to his side.

I curse myself for coming here. For causing them more pain. They are trying to heal, and I’m sure, every damn day, they are scared for Cade and afraid to lose him. And now, here I am, making it worse.

“I’m sorry,” my voice squeaks. “I shouldn’t have come. The last thing y’all need is me causing you more pain.”

“We are glad you did,” Kat is quick to answer. “But … I’m sensing there is more?”

My face falls as I look down at the ground and nod. “Yes.” I wipe my eyes. “There’s really no easy way to say this, but … a few days before you came and got him, I found out I was pregnant.” I get the courage to look up at them. “With Cade’s baby.”

The gasp from Kat could be heard across the street, I swear. And Caden quickly stands, pacing the living room.

“Shit,” he mutters. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

I sob, knowing I’m only making everything worse. “I’m so sorry. I swear, I didn’t get pregnant on purpose,” I whisper, barely hearing my own words. “I’ve been keeping it a secret because …” I pause. “Because I’m so scared that all this work he’s putting in to get …” My voice cracks. “To get clean will be erasedbecause this news will scare him. And that when he’s scared, he’ll spiral.”

“Do you love him?” Kat says the question so softly that I almost think I heard her wrong. That is, until she repeats it. “Do you love him? Even now that you know the truth?Histruth?”

“Yes,” I say instantly. “I have loved your son since way before I found out I was pregnant. And maybe that’s why I overlooked it all. The moodiness and his constant push and pull when it came to me. I just wanted him so bad.” My lip trembles. “I just wanted to be with him. To love him and be loved by him. And I think I convinced myself it was all going to work out.” I sniffle. “Even if there were so many signs that it wasn’t going to.”

Caden sits forward a little bit, digesting everything I told him. “Have you talked to him since he’s been in rehab?”

“No,” I say, shaking my head. “He knows I’m the one who told Hunter and Watson that he was using. And on the day he left, he would barely look at me, and he told me we were nothing.” I force myself to carry on. “I don’t think his love ever caught up to mine. And now … I don’t think it ever will. He’s too angry. He thinks I betrayed him when I told the truth.” I wrap my arms around myself in an attempt to calm myself down. “And now … I’m betraying him again by keeping this secret.”

“Haley, you’ve kept this baby a secret to ensure he sticks to his recovery?” Caden asks, but it sounds like more of a thought. “You must really love him to do something like that.”

“I do,” I say, inhaling through my nose, trying anything to slow my heart rate down. “But I don’t know what to do. No matter what, I feel like I’m doing the wrong thing.”

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