Page 18 of Why Not Me?

Blake strikes up a conversation with Landon as I wander over to where Brendan is standing, looking through the pantry. Tucking myself into his side, I pull him down so I can kiss his cheek. “Why don’t we call this good, you know my mom will bring a ton of food. Come visit.”

I fold my hand into his and tug on his arm. We join Dawn at the counter and she strikes up a conversation with Brendan about work. Smiling at her gratefully as he relaxes and starts talking animatedly, I snack on the delicious treats he made as they chat. He grins at me when I make a duck beak from twoPringles.

I lean into him as he wraps his arm around me, trying to pay attention to what he and Dawn are discussing. Dawn is a real estate agent and they love talking about the housing market.

My skin warms, and I glance up to see Landon looking at me over Blake’s shoulder. He gives me a cocky grin that sends a shiver down my spine. Warmth pools in my stomach as he winks at me before returning his attention to Blake.

Snagging a piece of broccoli, I smile around it as we meet eyes again and he makes a face at me. When Landon came back into my life I didn’t know if I would still like him the way I did before. As soon as I saw him, I knew the physical attraction was still there, but I had no idea this playful friendship would pick right back up.

Time has the potential to change people, and while we’re both more mature and have more life experiences under our belts, at the root of it Landon is still the same guy I fell for so long ago. There is an easiness there that we fell right back into, that same easiness that made me fall for him in the first place.

Landon ducks down, picking me up and tossing me in the pool. When my head breaks the surface, I splash at him only to realize he’s nowhere in sight.

Squeaking when a hand grabs my ankle, I’m pulled below the surface again.

This time we come up together and an all-out splash war starts until we’re laughing so hard I almost snort.

Our laughter dies though when the alarm on his phone goes off. It’s our signal that he needs to leave. The reminder that he still hasn’t ended things with Melissa looms over me.

Ducking under the water, I swim away from him so I can pull myself together. I’ve made my bed and now I need to lie in it. I’ve fallen for him and the thought of walking away now hurts too much. I need to have faith in him and us, faith that he will follow through with his promises.

Looking down, I fight back the question of “what if,” the one that’s usually followed by the self-deprecating “why not me?” We’re friends. And I’m glad to have our friendship back, because that’s what our romantic relationship had been built on, but there’s a part of my heart that yearns for more and the side of guilt that comes along with it is making me crazy.

Glancing over at Brendan, I watch him talking with Dawn while reminding myself what I love about him.

He’s steadfast and loyal. Kind and funny. He loves me with a dedication that makes me feel safe and secure. He’s everything I ever wanted in a partner. Brendan and I have fun, we laugh together, and things just—flow. It’s easy, predictable.

There is nothing he wouldn’t do to make me smile. He’s open to trying new things, even when it might not be up his alley. And he always, always talks to me about everything. I have never met someone as honest as Brendan. Ever.

Watching them, I take advantage of their preoccupation as they discuss work and slip out to the balcony to get some fresh air. It’s the perfect opportunity to clear my head as I struggle with the feeling that despite all of that, it’s still not enough.

When I hear the sliding glass door open and shut again, I don’t turn around. I know it’s him. He leans against the railing next to me, the small wrapped package in his hand.

“Happy Birthday.” Landon’s voice is low, the rumble sending shivers down my spine as he hands me the gift.

“Thank you.” My voice is soft as I look down at the pretty green and purple covering the gift.

He takes the ribbon and paper from me as I unwrap it, before opening a plain black box. Nestled inside is a glass snowflake necklace. Underneath is a certificate of authenticity from a local glassblower, it’s one of a kind. My throat catches at the thoughtfulness of this gift.

I feel him watching me, but I can’t tear my eyes away from the gorgeous snowflake. It’s not until he tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear that my attention is stolen. Glancing over my shoulder, I sag in relief when everyone is still occupied.

“Allie—” He pauses until I meet his gaze. “Don’t let one moment steal a lifetime of joy. Don’t give anyone that power.”

Dropping my eyes back to the necklace, I put together the deeper meaning of this gift. Landon knows me so well, he knows why I hate the snow.

Blinking back tears, I look back up at him and whisper my thanks. He smiles, it’s filled with regret, longing, and sadness.

Unable to stop myself, I clutch the box to my chest and wrap my free arm around him. His familiar scent envelopes me and his arms wrap around me and hold me to him. This hug feels like so much more than a simple thank you.

When we turn to go back inside, my gaze meets Brendan’s. He’s just on the other side of the sliding glass door, his expression tight as he forces a smile to his face. Walking inside, I head straight into his arms and hold him tightly as I attempt to reassure him of something I’m not even certain of.

I’m exhausted by the time I get home. Spending the night watching Allie with Brendan, seeing the way her parents adore him and the way he gets along so well with her friends, it was eye opening.

All the things I want, all the things I could have had, and I got to watch someone else experience it. Torture. I knew what I was signing up for when I suggested being friends, but the ache in my chest right now feels like my heart was ripped out and set out on display.

Despite the longing, I tried to show Allie I could be her friend, and I think I succeeded. Having her back in my life has filled a hole and no matter how difficult it is, I would rather be able to talk to her and spend time with her than lose her again.

Kellan looks up from the couch as I drop down next to him, running my hand through my hair.

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