Page 19 of Why Not Me?

“Rough night?” His tone is colored with amusement.

“Shut up.” I scowl at him.

PeeWee jumps up on the couch, squirming as he tries to lick my face in greeting. Scratching behind his ears, I lean my head back onto the couch and look over at Kellan.

“You don’t get what it’s like. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and I doubt I ever will again. Having her back in my life means the world to me, but it’s shitty that it’s not in the way I want.” He sobers at the tortured tone to my voice. The rawness that makes my entire body ache.

“Dude.Youwalked away fromher.Are you shocked that someone else snapped her up?” He arches a brow and crosses his arms.

“I was a fucking kid!” I scowl at him, picking up a pillow and clenching it in my fist. “And obviously I’m not surprised. You just can’t understand because you’ve never felt the way I do about Allie. She’s a once in a lifetime kind of love.” My voice raises, my defenses kicking in. I don’t need him to remind me that I made the decision that led to this. I remind myself of it every damn day.

Tucking PeeWee under my arm, I shove up from the couch and head into my room. I set him on his pillow before brushing my teeth, stripping to my boxers, and throwing myself on my bed.

Picking up my iPad, I scan through emails and check my calendar for the next week. Allie and I have our final physio appointment this week. She’s healed fast because of her diligence to completing the exercises at home. She will need to keep up on them, but she won’t need my guidance anymore.

The selfish part of me wants to disregard her relationship and make a move, but the other part of me, the rational part, knows that would be a mistake. Her name glares out at me, so I toss my iPad aside and pick up the book I started a few days ago.

Ten years ago, I hated reading, but now it’s my only escape when my head is being bogged down with things outside of my control. As I immerse myself into the fantastical world, I feel the tension start to release from my shoulders.

Between the black ink on the page taking me away to a different time and place, and PeeWee’s soft snores, I finally forget everything else.

When I drop the book onto my face for the second time, I know it’s time to set it aside and try to get some sleep. Picking up my phone to check the time, I notice that Allie sent me a text eight minutes ago. It’s two in the morning, but the sleepiness I was feeling dissipates just by seeing her name on my screen.

Allie:You up?

Me:Yeah, I was reading, but I think I’ll end up with a bruise if I drop my book on my face again.

Allie:Lol, it’s happened to me.

There’s a pause before she starts typing again. The little dots appearing and disappearing a few times before another text comes through.

Allie:I just wanted to thank you again for the necklace and the words. What happened that night—it made me angry and sad for a long time. I don’t know if I ever really let it go, but lately things are just getting a little clearer. I sat outside on our balcony after everyone left, bundled up and just enjoying the snow. I was finally honest with myself and found a lot of clarity that I’ve been missing. I will always be grateful to you for that.

I reread that last sentence at least five times trying to read between the lines. She starts typing again before I can formulate a response.

Allie:I’m going to be turning my phone off for a few days, I have a lot of work to do and I need to disconnect for a while. I’ll see you at my physio appointment this week. Goodnight, and thank you again for coming to my party this evening. I’m so glad you were there.

With a sinking feeling, I set my phone on my nightstand and turn to face my wall. Her text feels like more than a goodbye for now, it feels like a goodbye forever.

Brendan has been out all day, so I spent my time cleaning the condo and prepping dinner for him for once. My birthday party was eye opening. Seeing my two worlds mesh into one. I watched how my family interacted with Brendan, having rarely interacted with Landon, they were friendly, but the connection with Brendan is deeper.

Seeing the sad look on Brendan’s face when I came in from the balcony after receiving the snowflake, it hit me how difficult it is for him to know I’m friends with someone who held—holds—so much power over my heart. And it hurt. It hurt knowing I was doing that to him. This constant internal battle has become too much and I know I need to make a decision, because the other thing I realized last night is that I’m not capable of only having friendly feelings toward Landon.

Opening the oven, I slide the roast pan inside and set the timer.

My cell rings as I turn on the water to clean up the dishes, pausing, I glance over and relax when I see it’s Dawn.

“Hey, Dawn. How’s it going?” Smiling, I tuck my phone between my ear and shoulder, and set about loading the dishwasher.

“It’s okay. Look, I need to be candid with you.” Her voice is off, abrupt, and not Dawn-like.

“Okay. Are you okay?” I pause what I’m doing and lean against the counter.

“Not really. Allie, I ran into Brendan when I ran out to get coffee, and we talked. About you. About him. About Landon.” Her tone is low, and I know she’s not happy with me. “He’s tortured, Allie. What are you doing to him? Either make the decision to be committed to your relationship because you want to, not out of guilt. Or let him go. He loves you, he feels that things are different. And you’re not being fair.”

“Hold on a second. I’ve been trying to be more attentive. Trying to spend more quality time with him.” Her words hurt, but they’re true. I’m a little annoyed that Brendan went to Dawn to complain about it instead of coming to me, like he should. It’s not fair, I know he would come to me if he felt like it would make a difference.

“He feels like it’s out of guilt. I know you’re getting defensive because you know what he’s saying is true. So, what are you going to do? He deserves more. And quite frankly, so do you and Landon. This isn’t good for you or for Brenden. I thought you learned that the last time.” She grows quiet, her voice a little thicker when she whispers, “I know the connection you feel with Landon is deep, but you’ve been with Brendan for six years. Respect that, respect him, because he would never treat you the way you’re treating him.”

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