Page 79 of More Than I Can Bear

“So what about your day?” he asked. “You asked us about ours…”

“Jack was in her fucking element, being able to buy me another dress and within weeks of getting the last one.” I went to retrieve the credit card he’d given me so I could return it to him, but he closed his hand over it, leaving it with me.

“I’ll get your own issued to you,” he replied smoothly. “I’m not sure if you’re comfortable with that—”

“Not really,” I replied honestly, but I smiled.

“I don’t want you going without, Freya,” he said, a tiny smidge of that grumpiness bleeding back into his voice. “I know you’re perfectly capable of earning your own money, but…” He squeezed my hand, then let it go, leaving the card in my palm. “I want you to have everything you need.”

But I did already, didn’t he understand? I was floating in this sea of unreality at how my fortunes had changed. He’d made an appointment for me to meet up with Cressida about the potential solo show, and then Jack had gotten involved, not wanting me to sign anything until she’d looked at it, so we’d made a time that suited us all. I’d thought I could sink into a morning of creating, but she’d insisted on taking me dress shopping and… I looked around me again, my breath coming in tremulous little gasps right now, because it felt like if I exhaled a long breath out, I’d blow all of this away and I’d be back stuck being reliable, nice, but ultimately forgettable Freya.

And then there was River.

Out of the three of them, he was the one that was the most similar to me. I’m not sure if he took in the aesthetics of this place in, but his eyes seemed to be everywhere at once, looking, looking, until they settled on me. And that’s where they stayed. There was a quietness, a stillness, that I needed, like he was seeing everything I was seeing and was right there with me through it. Scraping his hair back from his face revealed all of his reactions, but he wasn’t saying anything. Adam was filling all the spaces that Kaine left, and that’s why I asked him how River’s day was.

“I can’t really remember.” I treasured that slow smile of his. “Not trying to hold out on you or anything. I know I went to work, built something. But as soon as Adam said you were interested in trying something… Then everything else got driven out of my head. That’s all that I remember, Freya, that you decided you were open to this.”

Jesus, was this possible? Is that what this was? Were we building something? My mind wanted it all planned out, to know everything that was to come, even as my heart knew that wasn’t possible. So that’s why I posed a question.

“So what would it look like?” I tried to make the question casual, not a demand for a five year plan. But if he spontaneously provided one? Well, I wouldn’t have been sad about it. I dared to look at each one of them, searching their faces. Because this was all very nice, the beautiful venue, the amazing gin that I admit I took a big sip from when it arrived. Part of me wanted to believe that this might be the way it would be, me making art and preparing for an exhibition, and then when they came back from work, we’d go out for dinner at places like this, but… “It can’t always be like this every night.”

“Can’t it?” Kaine straightened up, those cool blue eyes seeming to heat up. “If this is what you need, we’ll make sure you get it.” He pulled out his phone and started flicking through his contacts. “I have a dozen good restaurants on speed dial. I can have a standing reservation—”

“Kaine.”

I was forced to lean past River to get to him, but when my hand reached out, he took it, rubbing his thumb across my knuckles. That’s when he looked up, searching my face.

“What do you dream about?” he asked me, all the hard edges gone from his voice. “What did you want for your future when you were a little girl?” I let out a little huff of a laugh, holding that smile as I stared into his eyes. I was like every other adult, forced to make compromises and do without things I’d assumed were so very important, so thinking otherwise felt ridiculous, indulgent. “Freya…” Kaine was gently, gently prompting me now, his grip on my hand softening. “What do you hope will happen if we make this work?”

OK, I’d come out tonight, prepared to be wowed and dated by three hot bear shifter men, but I wasn’t prepared for this. Because right now, Adam, Kaine, River, they watched me closely as if just waiting for a word from me to make all my dreams come true.

“I…” I let out a sigh then, disengaging my gaze from Kaine’s and looking down the long table, my eyes going unfocussed as I stared at the purple flowers hanging down low from overhead. “I think…” I sucked in a breath, my eyes falling closed for just a second before I dared to open them again. “The night of the awards ceremony. When the attention wasn’t on us, but on the screen, and Adam was just sitting next to me, holding my hands and saying… everything I wanted to hear. Then afterwards…”

I flushed as I remembered exactly what came next and Adam let out a low growl in response.

“And Kaine, when you ordered me dinner and we sat there, talking. And despite the fact I’m sure you could fit a whole footy field in your living room, it felt small and intimate.” I glanced his way. “Like the whole world was reduced down to just you and me.”

Two small red spots formed in Kaine’s cheeks, but I saw the determination there in his eyes, right before he nodded.

“And River…” Something in his eyes stopped me. He wasn’t smiling or looking smugly confident, instead River’s eyes were wide and staring. I frowned slightly, and it took a second to realise what he was feeling.

Fear.

“The day we sat together making art? I’m not sure if you realised this, but that was always one of my favourite dreams when I was a teenager. That I’d find some hot guy…” I reached over and pushed a strand of his hair back and he moved closer, just a little, to lean into the caress. “One who shared my love of art, who’d be like my twin, the two of us creating for hours on end, only to emerge later and make something beautiful together.”

He shut his eyes and then pressed a kiss into the palm of my hand.

“That’s what I wanted too.” River’s eyes closed and the words seemed to come easier because of it. “People were always telling me off for drawing when I wasn’t supposed to. They didn’t get why it was so important, and that killed something inside me. When I dreamed of finding my mate, I dreamed of finding someone who got it.” His eyes flicked open. “Who understood.”

And I did, I really did. The creative impulse is a strange one. Most people go through their life not wanting to make a single thing, or if they do, it’s just an idea or two they keep close to their chest, never actually wanting to make it real. Because once it’s there on the page or on the wall or whatever, it’s up there to be picked apart, critiqued. The dream dies so something real can be made.

“I get that.” My smile twisted right as I felt a pang of pain. “Man, do I get that. My parents have always been frustrated about me making art all the time. ‘You won’t get a job making art, Freya…’” I said, imitating Dad’s gently disapproving tones.

“‘River, why do you have to draw all the time?’” River said, obviously doing the same. “‘You could spend your time doing anything, and this is what you waste it doing?’” He shook his head. “But it’s not a waste.”

“Never,” I agreed. “So you and I get to set up an artist’s commune for two, but…” I glanced at Adam and Kaine. “What do you guys want from this?”

“A family.” Adam blurted that out without thinking, then looked guiltily around the table. “Not necessarily with kids. Well, unless you want them?” He looked at me for an indication of what I thought, but charged on before I could answer. “It doesn’t have to be 2.5 kids and a house in the suburbs, but…” Those big hands started to worry the crochet of the table runner again. “Knowing that every day when I come home, someone will be there. Being surrounded by people I love, doing all the little things together like making a slap-up meal.”

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