Page 70 of Abigail's King

Chapter Thirty-One

Kye

It had been over a month since Abigail had left. Well, I thought it had been a month. I had given up counting the days after the first couple of weeks. I didn’t see the point of prolonging the agony of not having my Bonita with me by counting the days that she had gone. I just allowed the pain I was feeling to turn to desperation, despair, and depression.

When I had thrown her out of the house, I was confident it was the right thing. That I didn’t care if she was around or not. That I would be able to get on with the life I wanted without any ties. It had seemed so straightforward. The emotionless machine that I’d become in those few hours had told me that I didn’t need anyone.

But that wasn’t the case now. Her face and reminders of her were everywhere I looked. She was the first person I thought of when I got up in the morning and the last face that came into my dreams at the end of the day.

I say dreams, but the nightmares had returned. Now, though, instead of just being the many men that had haunted them for eighteen years, Abigail was always part of them. I had woken up countless times, the sweat pouring down my body at the thought of Abigail being surrounded by the men that I had helped take from this world. The pain and suffering they were putting her through was too much to bear every evening, so most of the time, I was surviving on a couple of hours of sleep, usually thanks to the copious amounts of bourbon that I had been drinking.

I hadn’t spoken to anyone since she had left. My phone was hardly ever switched on, as I didn’t want to deal with the constant ringing that occurred with calls from the team. The team I no longer belonged to, even if Mason had refused to accept my resignation. It still stood. I would never go back to King’s. No matter what happened, I didn’t deserve to work for them. My actions for the past couple of months far outweighed any of the good things I had accomplished while I was there.

I ignored all the emails from the team. All except one. Seeing the ultrasound picture of Nathan and Kelsey’s baby had been the only highlight of the month. I was happy for them. After everything they had been through, knowing that they had started a family together was a weight off my mind. I could tell how happy they were from the email they had sent. I could also tell that they were trying to get me to see the better side of life. That there was a reason to hope. That they wanted me to be part of their – and their child’s – lives.

But it hadn’t worked. Still, the depression was there. I could never go back to King’s after everything I had done. I may have kept my promise to Lucas, but I had broken the one I made to Jayden. Knowing I’d hurt Abigail after promising him that I wouldn’t was something I would never be forgiven for. Not even after saving Sienna. That fact alone meant I would never see Nathan and Kelsey’s child come into this world and grow up. Never get to be the fun uncle I had wanted to be to them. I hadn’t replied to the email. I couldn’t. The thought of exchanging messages with anyone was too much for me to consider.

I was a complete mess. My mind was going in different directions all the time, and I was certain I was going insane if I wasn’t there already. If anyone saw me now, they would have had me committed for psychiatric evaluation. Mateus had been right: I did need help. I had for years, but until recently, I’d had no need. The life I had led was perfect for my state of mind. I should never have left the mercenary life. If I hadn’t taken the job involving Sienna, then life would have been fine. I may not have had a normal life, but at least I was living. My life now was just an existence. I was alive, but I was far from living.

I hadn’t eaten properly in days and hadn’t stepped out of the house since the morning that Abigail had left. The only person I’d had any exchange with was the delivery guy as he brought more bourbon to my house when I ran out. I spent hours running on the treadmill, just to stop from drinking myself into a coma. The longer I spent here alone, though, the longer I felt as though that was the best thing for me. Just drink and drink until I collapsed on the floor and never woke up. I would soon be forgotten. No one would really miss me in the end. They might feel upset for a while, but every single person whose life I had touched would eventually get over it. Would go on and live their life without me.

I picked up my phone and turned it on for the first time in weeks. Hundreds of missed calls and messages from them all. Mason, Jayden, Sienna, Nathan, Kelsey. Even Maddie, Tyler, Ashleigh, and Brandon. Calls from my brother, sister, even my parents. But not one from the person that could probably have pulled me out of the spiral I had gotten myself into. Not one call, message, or even email from my Bonita.

How could I have let it get to this point? Why did I have to listen to the voices that had returned to my head? They had never sent me in the right direction. I had learned that a long time ago. So why had I listened this time? Why had I allowed them to make me think that Mateus had been behind everything? That Abigail would never love me? That she would leave me the moment she found another man?

My tears had long since dried up at the thought of never seeing Abigail again. The pain in my heart was still there, but I had lost any ability to show it. Any life I could have hoped for had gone. I didn’t know how many times I had staggered to the cabinet in my office and gone to unlock the door to my gun cabinet. Each time, I had managed to stop myself before I pulled out a gun. But each time I did it, I found fewer excuses not to do it. At the rate I was going, I would have the gun in my hand within the week.

Knowing this frightened me. It scared me to think that no one would come until it was too late. That when they did, they wouldn’t understand the reason behind it. I had to tell them. Somehow, I had to let them know the reason why. I had never told anyone what happened to me in the past eighteen years. Never been able to open up to anyone to tell them about the issues I had. Everyone needed to know. They had to know the truth, how I really felt about them all. Not the lies I had told them.

I opened up my laptop and started to type.

To whoever is reading this letter, please pass it on to those that need to know. Because if you are reading it, I have finally pulled the trigger and am dead.

Until now, I have never been able to admit to myself that I needed help. But I realise now that it is too late that I did. My family will know that I have always suffered mentally with bouts of depression. I mainly put them down to the pains of growing up, to always being in my brother’s shadow. Now I realise it was more than a passing phase. The past eighteen years have shown me that.

Mateus will know some of the things I have done in my life. The countless men I have led to their deaths because of the money they owed, or the wrongs they had supposedly done. I never killed a man, but does that make me innocent of their murders? I was there watching as the trigger was pulled, as they were beaten to death, drowned, and countless other deaths too gruesome for me to even remember. Surely, I am as much of a murderer as those that did the deed. Except each time, I walked away with a clear conscious. The darkness that consumed me told me that I had done the job I had been paid to do. Every night, though, those men haunted my nightmares. Every day, their voices rang through my head, telling me what was right and what was wrong. It was never the truth, though. Always what I thought I needed to hear.

Knowing this, and the pain I have caused all my family and friends, it’s time for me to be honest with you all. A dying man’s last attempt to be absolved of all his sins. I’m not asking you for forgiveness. I cannot forgive myself for what I have done, so I cannot expect yours.

Firstly, to my family. I’m sorry that I let you all down. That I was never the son and brother that I should have been. Know that deep down, I have always loved and missed you. In my mind, I had just gone too far to return to you. I know you would have welcomed me with open arms and forgiven me as you always did, but the pain I felt for what I had done made it impossible for me to return.

Mateus, my brother. I owe you the biggest apology of my family. The things I have said to you were unforgivable, not once, but twice. I always knew that I was the one to cause my own pain. That you were always there for me and loved me. Each time, I blamed you. I cast you aside. And each time, you always said you would be there for me. That you would always welcome me back. And you did. You made me realise the one thing I needed in my life. The one person. I was just too stupid to realise it until now. You hoped that I would find my own peace. Well, now I have. I’m just sorry that it had to be this way.

To my colleagues at King Brothers. Thank you for accepting me and for giving me the chance at a normal life. Know that for a while, you managed that. For that short time I was with you, I managed to function as a normal human being and build relationships that I never thought I would have. Jayden and Mason, thank you for that chance. Sienna, thank you for the long late-night conversations. You may not have thought they helped, but they did. Nathan and Kelsey, I really don’t know what to say to you both. You made me show you a side that no one had seen before. You gave me a second chance at a family, one I didn’t deserve. Know that I will always keep watch over your son or daughter and that they will never be alone.

Lastly, to Abigail, my Bonita. I have so much that I want to say to you, but never could or would. You were the only woman who loved me as yours. The only woman who broke down all the barriers and walls I had built around myself. You helped me to love, and made me realise what it felt like to have an amazing woman in my life. You were my light. You always were. I allowed my jealousy to get in the way. Then it was only a matter of time before the ghosts would come back and distort everything.

I realise this now, but it’s too late. No matter how much you loved me, they would always be there, lurking and waiting for the time to come. The same outcome would have come eventually. At least now you can get on with your life and find a man that is truly worthy of you. Because that man was never me. Know that I always thought of what could have been between us. If I could have started a family with anyone, I always wanted it to be with you. I loved you with all my heart and wish I could turn back the clock and ask for your – for everyone’s – help. But I can’t do that now. Remember that I truly loved you and will always remember our times together.

All there is left to say now is please do not mourn me. That is something I will never deserve. Maybe one day we will meet again if the Lord forgives me. If not, then I know you will live long, fulfilling lives.

I love you all.

Ricardo (Kye)

I sent the letter to my printer and saved it, just in case something happened. At least then Tyler and Richard would be able to retrieve it. Shutting down my laptop, I picked up the half-empty glass in front of me and walked into my study, sitting down in my chair. This would be the last place I would stay in the house. The place they would finally find me. Whether that was alive or dead, only time would tell.

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