Page 91 of Touch Me

Me:

Done.

I pull up to Max’s sprawling Craftsman style ranch in the suburbs half an hour later. Gleeful little girl giggles float from the backyard so instead of knocking on the door, I walk around back through the privacy fence. I find Mattie sitting on her knees on a pool raft splashing and laughing, Henry trying to mount the aforementioned unicorn floatie, and Max trying to drag a soaking wet, gyrating Great Dane out of the pool by his collar.

“Jace, look at Henry. He’s dancing,” Mattie screams, still splashing. She stops splashing to dance around on her raft with her hands in the air.

Max is very ineffectively trying to pull Henry up the stairs of the pool, but the dog has a death grip on the giant pink inflatable unicorn.

“Hey, Mattie.” I wave. “Hey, Max. Whatcha doing?” I can’t even get the words out without laughing. “Need a hand?”

“Get over here,” he spits out.

I set the beer down on the table and kick off my shoes. Hell, might as well lose the shirt too. This could get ugly. I take my time emptying my pockets of my wallet, keys and cell phone.

“Jace, I swear to god,” he says through clenched teeth, the weariness of the struggle evident on his face.

I stifle a laugh and walk over to the stairs of the pool.

“Asshole,” he whispers.

I grab the unicorn and, having two hands, neither of which are in a wrestling match with a massive horny beast, I rip it away easily and toss it into the deep end of the pool. Henry lunges back into the pool, dragging Max under the water, who’s attempting to keep hold of his collar.

He swims for the beautiful, curvaceous unicorn, with Max sputtering water behind him. I run over to the deep end and pull the inflatable temptress out of the water. As soon as Henry reaches the side of the pool in his lustful pursuit, I grab his collar and pull as hard as I can. Max pushes from his back end, and I pull him out of the pool.

“Sit,” I order a panting Henry. “What the hell, man. She doesn’t even have a belly button.” He whines and falls to the concrete, tongue hanging out so far he practically lays on it.

I look back, and Max is half in, half out of the pool, breathing like he just finished a triathlon. I find Henry’s lead line and hook him so he can’t jump back in the pool, then grab two beers, pop the caps, and walk over to Max’s still prone form, nudging his side with the cold brew. He rolls over and sits up with his feet still dangling in the water. I follow suit and hand him the beer.

“Thanks, man. I don’t know what got into him. He’s never been so enraptured that I couldn’t control him before. Maybe I need to think about getting him neutered.” Max takes a long drink, draining half the bottle.

We both look over and stare at Henry. Giant avocado sized balls hanging so heavy they touch the pavement, bouncing with the dogs panting.

“No way. You can’t. That would be a sin against all testicles. Those things are the stuff legends are made of.” I stifle a laugh while cupping my balls.

“Well, I don’t think sexual assault should go on his dating profile. And I don’t think lady luck over there was enchanted by his display.” He nods toward the unicorn being dragged around by a kicking five year old, sporting neon pink and green swimmies.

“At least he didn’t pop her,” I offer.

“Mattie would have lost it. I was serious when I said I would be planning a full memorial service. Her little friend down the road had a funeral for her hamster last week. I had to bake cookies. Well, my mom had to bake cookies, but I had to go to the funeral.”

“That’s actually kind of cute.” I shrug.

“Yeah, maybe if all the moms, singleandmarried, hadn’t been hovering like flies on a fresh pile of shit. One even tried cornering me in the kitchen while I was getting hors d'oeuvres.” He visibly shudders.

“Hors d'oeuvres?"

“Full,” he pauses, “memorial,” another pause, “service.”

“For a hamster?” I say, shocked.

“I hate rich people.” Max takes another swig.

“Youarerich people.” I know because I’m his financial advisor. “Speaking of that, why are you home during the week?”

“My mom went to a spa with some friends, and I didn’t have anyone to watch Mattie. At least no one that wouldn’t be wearing a whip cream bikini when I got home. Desperate, lonely, rich women are too much.”

“Why didn’t you say something? I can keep an eye on her during the day.”

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