Page 34 of Scandal

My head spins on my neck, following him, drinking him in. He doesn’t even look at me.

“I’m late for class,” I snap when the coast is clear, turning on my heel and marching away.

***

There are only two costumes I’ve considered for tonight. One being a kitten, and the other an angel. But the kitten costume was sold out, so here I am in all white, with wings and a halo. I love that the word angel isn’t gendered. There’s not some alternative for men and women. They are all angels, no matter their gender. Do angels even have a gender?

I’m almost feeling guilty dressing like this. Feels more like I’ve become a demon, taking away the only housing Xan has, being too chicken shit to tell my dad what happened with Zack, if he’d even listen.

At the Halloween party, I’m a total wallflower. A major bummer. I shouldn’t even have come. It’s the first all LGBTQ+ party I’ve ever been at, aside from pride, and I’m not even enjoying it. Feel kind of a like a shit for coming. How dare I try to have fun while Xan is suffering? The guilt is really thick tonight.

“You’re quite the bummer.” Leo nudges me as he hands me a cup of punch. “God lock you out of heaven or something?”

“Good one,” I manage, my throat thick.

“Should we dance?” He downs his drink and reaches out a hand.

I shake my head. The room is feeling oppressively crowded. And loud. And I feel foolish. I’ve got to get out of here. “I’m gonna get some air. Catch you later.”

Pushing my way outside, you’d think I was drowning in there, the way I gasp at the cold night air. Should have worn a coat. It’s freaking freezing out. I can even see my breath.

There’s no way I’m going back inside. Only one place I want to go. Not sure if that’s crossing some sort of unspoken boundary, but I don’t care anymore. He can tell me to piss off, but I’m going to the library to see Xander.

My arms fold protectively across my chest as I rush down the empty street toward campus. It’s lonely and miserable out tonight. No wonder the place looks abandoned. Everyone is taking refuge inside. Everyone except the guy lying on the bench outside the library, smoking a cigarette. I can see the red tip glowing with each inhale.

Then I realize who it is, and my heart takes a little tumble.

“I didn’t know you smoked cigarettes.”

Xan doesn’t look up. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

“I’d know more about you if you returned my calls.” My tone is hopeful.

He turns his head toward me. The corner of his mouth twitches. He puffs the cigarette, releasing a giant cloud into the darkness. “Cute costume. Suits you.”

All of my guilt floods to the surface. “I’m so sorry, Xan. This is all my fault. I should have told my dad ages ago about Zack. I was being a chicken. If I’d just have owned up, you wouldn’t be homeless, sleeping on a park bench. I’m rotten. You got it all wrong, saying that you’d hurt me. I’m the one who’s blown up your life. I completely understand why you don’t want to talk to me anymore.” Can’t help the tears that trickle down my cheeks.

Xan sits up, pats the spot next to him. It’s warm from his body heat.

“Even if you told them about Zack, I promise that wouldn’t change a thing. Not when it comes to me. I’m on my ninth life here.”

“So you don’t hate me?” Damn, I sound pathetic.

Xan drops his cigarette and snuffs it out with the tip of his sneaker. I don’t recognize this pair. They look new. “Hell no. I just know you belong with someone better than me. Easier to cut it now.”

My eyes narrow. “Can you stop talking about yourself like that? You have this narrative that you’re a bad guy, but you’ve only ever been amazing to me.”

“You seem to be the exception to the rule.” He reaches his hand out, like he’s going to touch my face, before letting it fall to his lap.

I’m shaking inside with nerves, but I’m going for it. Laying all my cards on the table.

“Xan, will you come home with me tonight?”

Xander

Seeing Cam, dressed as an angel... it breaks all my resolve to avoid him.

Then he calls me homeless. I can’t help fixating on that as we walk back to his dorm room. Maybe I should go ahead and get a place now. I definitely can’t date Cam if I’m homeless.

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