Page 95 of All My Firsts

I wiped his tears away for him and smiled gently.

I stood up and grabbed him by the arm. “Let’s get out of here. We don’t need to do this here.” He followed me out of the student union without a fight. I started heading back toward the dorm, but he changed our direction.

“I have somewhere else in mind.”

We found ourselves at the bench where it all began, the bench from the fall where I was sitting when I first laideyes on him.

“Have a seat, birdie. I need to get this off my chest.” I felt his urgent need to tell me what he wanted to say. We sat on the bench, though, and he remained silent fora long time.

“I love this bench. I actually come and sit here quite a bit. Usually once I’m done at the gym.” The revelation took me by surprise – I had no idea. But it completely warmed my heart knowing he felt strongly about the first place we saw each other. “I think back to that day when you were watching me, often. I’m thankful for that day, but on the flip side, I know you sat here because of the demons you were dealing with. And that makes me feel guilty.” He finally looked at me, the pain evident in his eyes. “I am where I am with you because of what that asshole put you through. Do you know how much that kills me? Knowing we wouldn’t be together if you hadn’t gone through what you did?”

I reached out to grab his hand, holding it and rubbing it. “Xander, I ...”

“No, Lanie, let me get this out.” He pulled his hand from mine and stood up, pacing back and forth. And then just as suddenly, he was on his knees in front of me, a pleading look on him. “I’m sorry, birdie. I don’t want you to feel like anything I’m about to say is your fault. That’s the farthest thing from what this is. It’s all just ...” He faltered, struggling withwhat to say.

“It’s all just fucked up,” I finished for him. And he looked at me, sadness still in his eyes, but also appreciation that Iunderstood.

“Yeah, it’s fucked up. Everything that’s happened to us, I feel like there’s a movie out there already made that mimics our life these past six months. I mean, I don’t think anyone who hasn’t lived it with us would ever believe it.” We both chuckled at that, knowing full well he was right. “But that’s the thing – you’ve come through such a difficult thing, survived such adversity, and I’m benefiting from it.” He looked away from me, almost ashamed to be admitting this to me,and himself.

“Xander, I know where you’re going, and you need to stop. None of this is your fault, not one bit of it. The time you stayed away from me, I completely, one hundred percent understand it. Did I like it? Of course not, but if you had done it any other way, I’d be mad at you. You did what you had to do to keep everyone in your life safe, and I’d expect nothing less from you. That’s the Xander we all know, and that’s what makes you, well, you.” I pulled his face closer to me, gently finding his lips with mine. But he was in no mood for my kisses. “You need to letgo of this.”

“That’s just it, Lanie. I’m trying, but knowing I have you only because of what you went through ...” Again, he paused, seeming to find the right words. “I hate that you needed to go through what you did in order for us to be happy.”

“Isn’t that life though, Xander? If I hadn’t gone through it, I may not be the person you fell in love with, either. Did you ever think of it that way?”

But I understood what he was saying. If the roles had been reversed and his pain brought us together, I knew how Iwould feel.

“Listen, I get it. I do. Overall, it sucks how this all happened. But I wouldn’t change it for the world, because it brought me you. And that’s all I care about right now. Everything I’ve been through, well, it’s changed me, but itmade meme.”

He looked at me, a slight change in his demeanor. “You never cease to amaze me, Lanie. You’re so strong.” He stood up, bringing me with him. I found myself in his arms, his face nuzzled into my hair. “I love the person you are and the strong woman you’ve become.” He spun us around, and I found myself sitting on his lap while on the bench, his arms wrapped tight around my middle. I leaned my head on his shoulder and we stayed like that, appreciating the privacy we luckily still had in our special spot. “All those texts you sent me while I was home, and when I came back, they showed a different you.”

I pushed myself away from him to see his face. “What are you talking about?”

“Those texts showed me how strong you’d gotten during all of this. I knew by what you were saying that you weren’t curled up in a ball, letting this completely destroy you. I was waiting for the one where you’d tell me to go to hell, saying you were leaving me. I deserved it.” He reached out, knuckles grazing my jaw, his thumbs lazily rubbing my cheek. “And then, in the hall, well, you kind of did tell me to go to hell, in your own way.” We both laughed, remembering my outburst, thankful we could laugh about it. “You’re even stronger now than before. I saw it in you when you were dealing with Max in the parking lot.” His hands stilled, holding my face. “I hate that I have to be thankful to him for bringing me you. That’s really the part in all of this that pisses me off the most. But I’ll come to terms with it. I guess I already have. Because I can’t live without you.”

The raw emotion emanating from him was gut-wrenching. This man, in such a short time, had been through so much for me already. “Well, that’s something we both agree on. Xander.” I turned again, making sure I had eye contact with him. “I can say, with complete certainty, that you saved my life. From him and from myself.” The reality of that hit me, and it seemed to resonate with him. He nodded and grabbed a hold of me again. We sat in silence for a bit as I settled back intohis embrace.

“You need to know how truly sorry I am for putting you through that while I was home. I had vowed to you and myself to never hurt you, and I broke that vow. I felt helpless, knowing the agony I was putting you through, because I felt it, too.” The soft shaking of his body vibrated against my body as I heard the quiet sobs he was trying to hold in. “I’m happy to be on the other side of it. I wasn’t sure we would ever get here again. It felt, at times, like it would never end. And ...”

I turned abruptly and forced him to stop talking by claiming his mouth with mine. The forceful kiss took him by surprise, but the response was immediate. He answered my kiss with such force, such conviction. Our tongues lashed against one another’s, searching with such urgent need. The need to convince ourselves it was over. His hands reached around, pulling me to straddle him, neither of us caring who could see us. This was our way of letting the other know wewould be OK.

I pulled away, only momentarily, to utter my pleas. “Xander,” I said as I continued to kiss him between words, hoping to reassure him. “I’m here, in your arms.” Another onslaught of his tongue searching for mine, his need obvious underneath me. “I will never not be here in your arms ever again.” My tears now mingled with our mouths, the saltiness mixing in. “I can’t live without you, never again. You’re my everything. I love you so damn much it hurts.”

At this, his cries became so overwhelming he had to pull away and bury his face in my chest. My tears trailed down my cheeks, landing on the top of his head as I held on, trying to help him through this.

“I fall in love with you more every day, birdie. You’re such a gift. Each one of your touches, kisses, makes me melt. I will always be falling in love with you.”

I woke up before he did. I loved those few extra moments I could steal to gaze at him without him knowing. He was a beautiful man, his long bangs hanging over his one eye that was facing me. He was lying on his stomach, his arms folded under his pillow. The muscles in his arm were tight and strong against my gentle touch. Even in sleep, his skin reacted to me, the bumps leaving a trail behind my fingertips. His long, dark eyelashes were against his cheek. I knew I shouldn’t be touching him, risking waking him. He’d had such an emotional day yesterday. But I couldn’t stop myself; his magnetic pull on me had yet to weaken. I let my hand wander down his shoulder and onto his back, reveling in the feel of him, but he moved a bit, so I refrained and went back to gazing.

“Don’t stop. That felt amazing.” His lips curled up in a knowing smirk. “You can rub me in other places, if you want.” I took him up on his offer and allowed my hand to wander even lower, the roundness of his ass under the blanket begging to be caressed. “Oh, fuck, Lanie, that feels even better. I could get used to waking up like this.” My eyes were still trained on his face, and eventually his lashes lifted and a midnight-blue eye staredback at me.

He still took mybreath away.

He reached out with the arm closest to me and scooped me up and under him in a move that startled me. But the feel of him now on top of me was intoxicating, his mouth close to mine. He was looking deep into my eyes as I tried to convey my need and want for himin my look.

“Lanie, we’ve talked about all of these ‘firsts’ I’ve wanted to give you. I’ve been honored to give them to you, and I want to continue to, if you’ll let me?” He paused, looking at me, anxiously. Then he sat up abruptly. He continued talking nervously. “Will you? Will you let me continue giving you all the other ‘firsts’ there are to be had in this lifetime?”

He leaned down then and pulled my face toward his with his finger on my chin, our eyesconnecting.

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