Page 93 of All My Firsts

Nothing would have kept me away from him.

Do I go to him? Will he come to me?I needed a sign, something to keep me going. I kept rereading the note to remind myself it was not a dream, not an illusion I createdin my mind.

Cleaning the refrigerator was a good distraction for me. As I wiped the sponge along the back shelf, the door to our room banged open, startling me. My head banged on the ceiling in the fridge, hard.

“Ugh, that freakin’ hurt! Geez, you scaredme, Becca!”

“Oh my God, your head! And why are you cleaning? Something is usually wrong if you are. What happened?” Pulling myself out of the refrigerator, I saw her standing with her hands on her hips, staring down at me. I sat back on my butt and slumped against the side of my bed, blowing my hair from my face. I gestured to my desk with the sponge in my hand so she’d lookat the note.

I saw her eyes go wide as she read it. “What the hell does this mean? What’s ‘birdie’?Is this really from him?” Her look screamed “skepticism.”

“It has to be. That’s his nickname for me, and no one else knows about it. It’s from him, but I don’t understand. I’ve been up all night, waiting. Waiting for another sign from him. I don’t know what to do.” That was all it took. The whole night of pent-up emotion came spilling out. Becca fell to her knees next to me and held me while Ilet it out.

“Lanie, oh my God, it’s OK.This is a good thing. He’s here, and he hasn’t abandoned you. Relax, honey.” Her arms around me were the only thing keeping me from fully collapsing. I should have felt more relief at that point, knowing he still cared, but the anxiety of the long hours of the night had taken their toll. I couldn’t come down from this roller coaster, stuck on the top, hanging over the edge. My words came out stuttered in between my cries.

“The whole night ... I just wanted to ... go knock on his door ... Becca. Do you know how ... hard ... it was to stay here ... in this room ... with him ... so close? I’m going crazy, Becca ... I can’t do this anymore. I need ... to talk to him. I need ... to know what’s going on. What ... should I do?” She was working hard to calm me down, rubbing my head, stroking my face. My breaths were hard to come by; I couldn’tcatch them.

We sat like that for a while, me trying to calm down, her stroking my head.

“Lanie, where’s your phone?” she screamed.

“I don’t ... know... why?”

“Lanie, where is it? I just heard it!” She raced around the room trying to find it for me as I tried to find my legs. She uncovered it mixed up inmy blankets.

“Lanie, read this.” She held itout for me.

I did. And then I looked up at her, still hiccupping from trying to catch my breath, tears streaming down my face.

“What are you waiting for, silly?Go to him!”

My feet moved me toward Xander’s door on their own accord. I didn’t remember getting there. I stood outside his door for a moment, nervous about what I would find on the other side. I raised my hand to knock, but it was yanked open before I could.

Standing in front of me was a version of Xander, my Xander, I’d neverseen before.

His eyes were swollen and red, possibly asbad as mine.

The scruff on his chin looked days old.

His defeated stance didn’t give me any confidence at all about the potential outcome of this reunion.

I started breaking all over again. I couldn’t do this.

“Lanie.” His voice came out strained and tense, and his hands reached out to hold my face. “I’m so sorry. But it’s ...” He sighed.“It’s over.”

I started collapsing, his hands holding me up.

My grieved face looked upon his, his eyes full of confusion. “Xander ... why ... why are you doing this ... it’s been over ... Ican’t ...”

My words were barely whispers, coming out as gasps through the tears, his fingers working hard to push them away as they fell. He then pulled me into a full embrace, his strong arms enveloping me. A feeling I had been longing for swept through my body, my heart now defying my brain, allowing me this brief moment before I knew it would be stolen from me again. I wrapped my arms around him, knowing this would probably be the last time I would feel his bodywith my own.

As he held on tight, he shook his head, and his entire body began trembling in my arms. His hand came up to cradle the back of my head as his own sobs were about to take him to the floor.

“Lanie, what have I done? What have I done to you, to us? I love you, baby.” His words were broken between his cries, sounding as broken as I felt. “We’re not over. We were never over.” He was sobbing into my hair, his fingers digging in tight, holding on as if afraid I would be the one to leave. “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. You have to forgive me. I can’t live without you. This was all to make him go away, for you, for us.”

I pulled back, my eyes opening wide as I looked up at him. It wasn’tregistering.

“Xander ... what areyou saying?”

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