Page 84 of All My Firsts

“You’re right. I need to keep living, so here I am,” I answered as I shrugged my shoulders. “Besides, I promised Logan I’d come.” I looked around but didn’t see him yet, which explained why she didn’t expect me.

“Well, good girl. Glad to see the little shit isn’t getting the best of you. We’re probably going to a party tonight. Wanna come?” She immediately got excited. Thankfully, Logan showed upto save me.

“Hey, Lanie, you made it!” he said. The smile was wide on his face as he sat with a tray mounded with food. It would never cease to amaze me he could fit all of thatin his body.

“Yeah, here I am,” I said awkwardly. Logan’s smile didn’t waver.

“Good,” he said. “I’m glad.” He dove into his food as Becca resumed her begging about laterthat night.

“Logan, get Lanie to come with us tonight!” she shrieked, his head turning toward her. His eyes latched on mine next, seeking a clue as to what I wanted to do. My pleading eyes gave him the answer he waslooking for.

“I don’t think I’m even going. Maybe Lanie and me will stay in and watch a movie or something. You and Ty can have a date night.” His sly smile told me he knew what he was doing, as did I.

And it worked.

“What a great idea! Ty, it’s just you and me tonight, baby, and I have lots of ideas for what we can do!” The two of them resumed their private conversation on their side of the table as Logan leaned in closer to me.

“We don’t have to watch the movie, Lanie. I just knew going to that party wasn’t on your radar for tonight.” I simply nodded, my thoughts moving elsewhere as he got back to his foodonce again.

But then I looked around at the table at the four of us here in the cafeteria, and I lost my appetite. My once elevated mood I’d worked so hard on plummeted to the ground. All I could think about was Xander. He would normally be here with us, eating. He would have kissed me when he sat down, probably hooked my leg over his under the table. The need to be with him was strong, urgent. All my progress of the day was washed away in mere moments.

I needed to text him again. That tether connecting us became the only thing my mind would focus on, the only thing I wanted to focus on. I pulled my phone out as discreetlyas possible.

Me:

I’m at lunch with Becca and the guys and it doesn’t seem right for you to not be here with us - I still don’t understand what’s going on I’m trying to give you the space I think you need, is that all you need, space? What if that’s not what this is about? What if it’s more than that?

“Who are you texting, Lanie?” Becca had been talking to me, but I had no idea. I was so engrossedin my phone.

“Umm, a friend from class. They need the notes from today.” I was pretty sure she wouldn’t approve of me texting Xander all day long. I even knew I shouldn’t be doing it. It was as if I’d become an addict, addicted to the person who had abandoned me.

And it was true that he’d abandoned me, wasn’t it? Xander was gone. And not even talking to me. Reading my texts and choosing not to answer.

And that sucked.

But it was also wrong. Wrong for someone who supposedly loved me to respond that way. And I shouldn’t be accepting it. I should not be tolerating it. I’d taken enough shit in my short life already – I didn’t need to take more. Maybe I needed to act a little bit more like Becca than I thought. Get a bit tougher rather than sitting back and waiting for him to just come back to me.

Becausehe may not.

“Hey guys, I’m gonna head back.” I started getting up, gathering my things, and went to pick up my tray. Logan put his hand on it, holding it down to the table.

“I’ve got it, Lanie. Don’t worry about it.” He knew I was struggling, I could tell by the way he looked at me. My façade was breaking. I needed to get out of there.

As I walked back to my room, my once great idea of texting as a connection to him felt like the worst idea I could have come up with. It made me feel weak and insecure, as if I needed him in order to go on living. And even though I felt an inkling of those things most of the time at my lowest moments, I knew I had gottenbeyond that.

If Xander had taught me one thing, it was that I was worth more than any guy not treating me right, even if it was him. He always prided himself on showing me how a “real guy” should treat me. Well, this wasn’t it, at leastnot anymore.

It was time – time for the last text.

Me:

So here’s the thing, I thought I knew you Xander, but this isn’t something I expected you to do You’ve deserted me, and I don’t think I deserve that. I can’t allow myself to be treated like this, not again, not by you. I’ve finally found an inner strength, and even though you helped me with that, I can’t sit around waiting for you to figure this out while destroying me in the process

Andit was read.

Dealing with a “break” from Xander while he wasn’t at school was tough, but somehow I made it through two weeks without him. The last text I sent him helped strengthen my resolve to stick to my guns; I wouldn’t reach out to him again. If he wanted a break, he was getting a break.

But then it got worse.

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