Page 73 of All My Firsts

“Alex, keep in mind that these cases with the FBI can go on for years. You guys might be in this for the long haul. Don’t get your hopes up that this will be over any time soon. But I agree, it’s great news the proper authorities will be taking this over. It is awful what you’ve been through, Lanie, and it’s awful that he continues to put both of you through it still. I’m not going to lie, I’m very scared, though, that he can still harm you both while this investigation is going on. You need tobe careful.”

Right then, Bryce busted through the front door, looking preoccupied and stressed.

“Hey guys, thought I’d stop by and go over some details with everyone. Xander, can I see you in the kitchen?” His steps were quick as he passed us all down the hall and out of sight. Jane and I remained on the couch, our silence now abit awkward.

“They’ll both take care of you, of us, I have no doubt.”

All I could do was nod, my guilt building. I heard some raised voices in the other room, and suddenly Bryce wasat our side.

“Lanie.” Bryce’s tone was serious. “There’s something you should know about Xander that he hasn’t told you.” He looked nervous to talk to me, and now I was even more scared. “There’s a part of Xander’s past that’s going to come up in the investigation. I think he should tell you about it now.”

“Bryce, what the fuck are you doing?” Xander yelled.

Xander was standing in the doorway from the kitchen, swollen hands in fists at his side, breathing heavily, looking ready to pounce. I’d never seen him look this ferocious. Seconds later, Jane had her hands on Xander’s arm, trying to pull him back into the kitchen, but he pushed her away, yelling obscenities at her.

This was a Xander I’d neverseen before.

The one he’d tried to hide.

“Dude,” Bryce said with an edge to his voice, “if you want any involvement in this at all, they will need to know this. Full disclosure, which means she will find out.”

“Xander, she deserves to know. She needs to know. There’s too much she’s involved in right now, and if she isn’t told by you, she’s going to find out anyway.” Jane’s voice held sympathy as she spoke to him.

The look on his face transformed from anger to acknowledgment to shame in a matter of seconds. Yet he stormed away up the stairs and his door slammed, causing the house to shake.

Bryce and Jane must have realized they were going to be the ones to have to tell me, and they embarked on a story from Xander’s past that stunned me into silence. My heart broke for Xander, while at the same time I felt as though I may not know the realhim anymore.

I found him lying in his bed. I climbed in behind him and wrapped my arm around his middle. He reached up and grabbed a hold of my hand, which was across his chest, entwining my fingers with his. I felt the tension in his body ease a bit. We stayed like that for a while, silent, holding on toeach other.

“I love you.” And I did, but I felt this had changed things. I suddenly felt I may not know Xander as well as I’d thought I did. But I couldn’t abandon him or walk away. He’d already been by me through much worse. I couldn’t very well take off simply because of one secret he kept.

But I was shaken by his story.

And then his cries came. And they broke me. I swiftly turned himto face me.

“I will always love you, Xander. Just like you love me through all the crap I go through. This doesn’t change anything. I’m catching youthis time.”

He grabbed me tightly and held on, crying into my shoulder, releasing so much pain. “But, Lanie, I was the one who hurt someone. I was the monster. I put that kid in the hospital. I hurt him, almost killed him. He’ll never be the same. I was arrested, and I have a permanent record. I’m no better than Max.”

He howled when he said this, the tears pouring fromboth of us.

“Stop saying that, Xander. You’re nothing like Max! Jane and Bryce told me everything. You were so sad, and those kids were mean. They were making fun of you for having a dad in jail. It’s not your fault. Please, Xander, you have to understand the difference! Please!” I was sitting up by now, trying to get through to him.

“How do you know Max doesn’t have a fucked up past that made him who he is? I’m no different than he is.” The emotion rolling off him was palpable.

“Don’t ever compare yourself to him, ever. You’re the kindest soul I’ve ever encountered, Xander. You made one error in judgment. People make mistakes, and you’re not expected to pay for it the rest of your life. Max, he chooses, in every moment of his life, to render hatred and pain toward people, especially me. There is absolutely no comparison between the two of you, so don’t even go there.” I had him by the face, gripping him firmly, staring into his eyes, hoping to convey this message.

His gaze remained on mine, his body calming under my grip. But he didn’t say anything.

We sat there, holding each other. I hoped my words were sinking in, making an impact.

Eventually, he moved away, stood up. His sigh was deep before hiswords came.

“I guess I knew you would eventually have to find out, but I didn’t know how you would react. I didn’t want you to have to come to terms with something like this about me right now. And today of all days, we’ve had arough one.”

It wasa rough day.

And this was a side of Xander I wasn’t expecting.

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