Page 54 of All My Firsts

At that, his face fell, and I didn’t know how to read him. Did I hit a nerve? Was he getting tired of this charade? Did he think I was playing games with him? His face wasn’t giving away any clues to how he was really feeling – just a stoic expression remained.

“I don’t know how to do this, Xander. But I’m trying to figure it out, to learn, because trust me, I don’t want to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” I was nervous this was it, that he was going to walk away from me. Too tired of all the shit he put up with being in my life. I started sweating, my hands wringing together as I pulled back from him. He finally looked up at me, readyto respond.

“There you guys are. Come on – stop hiding out in a corner trying to cover up that you’re hooking up! Let’s go. It’s a party!”

How was Becca even standing? She grabbed a hold of both of us, Ty and Logan behind her, both shrugging as if they couldn’t keep her away. Xander and I struggled against her, but she was nothaving that.

“This is Lanie’s first time here all semester. We need to make this epic!” Xander gave me a forlorn look, which did not offer me any encouragement. We left our peaceful corner in the hands of our drunken friend.

“OK, OK, Becca, we’re coming, relax.” I was not in the mood to be here anymore, surrounded by partying kids. They all seemed oblivious to the strain my heart was feeling. All five of us reentered the crazy zone, me hoping I could maybe slip out unnoticed.

“Becca, we need one more minute. Then I promise I’ll give Lanie back to you.” Xander grabbed my hand and dragged us back the way we had come, faster than our original retreat. I was even more hesitant than before to hear what hehad to say.

His hands were still holding mine, but I wanted them back. I didn’t feel like I could handle this without bracing myself against something.

“You know you’re an open book, right?” His question ended with a smirk on his face, a small laugh escaping his lips. This did not coincide with the Xander I was expecting to have in front of me. “Lanie, stop. I see it all over your face. I’m not mad at you. Please know I’m in this for the long haul.” He moved his hands up to cradle my face as my first tear slipped out and I tried to look away. His thumb made quick work of making it disappear and kept me looking his way.

“I know you’re not ready, or don’t think you’re ready. That’s OK. I’m not going anywhere. If I’ve made you feel that way, I’m sorry, and I’ll work harder to make sure you always understand that.”

His eyes conveyed a sorrow I knew I put there. This was making me feel a whole differentkind of sad.

“Xander, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s all in my head, the insecurities, thefear ...”

“Lanie.” He put his fingers gently over my lips. “Stop with the explanations. We’re good, very good. Let’s move on. I don’t want to put you in a position where you have to always tell me all the things you’re struggling with. I understand, and it’s OK.”

I heard the empathy in his voice.

“Besides, Becca reminded me today is another first for you, and we’ve spent too much time over here. Although I don’t mind being in a secluded corner with you, there are other things I’d rather dothan talk.”

My eyes scanned the yard, making sure we weren’t garnering too much attention. Everyone was too far gone to be paying us any mind. I leaned in on my tippy toes. Xander immediately realized what my action meant and took over the moment, grabbing my face with more urgency.

Our lips collided, and all my fears melted away. I was fascinated by his uncanny ability to do this. His hand had a hold of my neck and jaw, his thumb grazing my cheek as our mouths devoured one another. My hands found the hem of his shirt and began lifting it up, completely ignoring the fact that we were in public. His hand was on mine instantly.

“I can’t believe I’m going to stop you, but I don’t want you to regret anything we do out here with eyes on us.” He whispered this in my ear as he was grinding his body up against mine, such a contradiction. Dropping my head to his chest, I willed myself to pull away. “But hey, we can always go back to my room after the party and finish where we left off.”

I looked up at him with wanton eyes as I reluctantly pulled myself even further away. “Why do I question ‘us’ so much? You make me feel so good, yet I’m constantly putting the brakes on us becomingus.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. We’re already ‘us,’ Lanie. You aren’t ready for the outside world to invade it, but we’re already there. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Your pace, babe, your pace.” He leaned in and kissedmy forehead.

“Get a room, you two!” We both jerked our heads toward the voice and realized a couple of his frat brothers were watching us intently. Xander put his arm around me as we started back toward Becca and the guys.

We failed today. We failed miserably.

“I’m working on it, guys. Give us time. She’ll be mine, so make sure you steer clear.”

And once again, he was a master.

“Why did you let me drink that much, Lanie? This is awful. And on a Sunday no less. Why do they have to do Blackout on a Sunday?” Becca had just returned from her third visit to the bathroom, I’m assuming ridding her body of the excess alcohol she enjoyed yesterday. “Please don’t let me do that again anytime soon.” She plopped on her bed in total despair.

“Hey, there was no way I was going to stop anything you were doing yesterday. But I’ll definitely remind you of this morning next time.” I was getting my bag ready to head out to class. “Am I to assume you aren’t going to class today?” I said this with a sarcastic chuckle.

“I’m not moving from this bed unless I have to spew the contents of my stomach again.” She rolled over to look at me as I was starting toward the door. “Lane, FYI, you and Xander are doing a terrible job of keeping whatever you’re calling what you guys are a secret.”

She laughed when I gave her a quizzical look. “And no, it has nothing to do with the time you both spent in the corner or the hot kiss most of us witnessed. It has everything to do with the way you look at each other,” Becca said with a soft chuckle.

My face, I was sure, displayedmy surprise.

“I wish Ty looked at me like that. Then I would know how he really felt,” Becca whispered, her voice tinged with sadness.

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