Page 53 of All My Firsts

The guys were in our room in a matter of minutes, whining as usual about how hungry they were.

“Your clothes will still be here after we eat, ya know. Can’t we go eat now? Come on, guys, I’m wasting away to nothin’ here.” Ty was complaining, but Logan was kind of quiet, sitting at my desk and fiddling with my phone charger. We’d only seen each other a handful of times since the night of the party in Xander’s room. I could sense hisdiscomfort.

“Come on, Becca. He’s right. And I’m pretty hungry too. We were in the car forever.”

“See, Lanie knows what she’s talking about.” Ty came over and wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we started down the hall toward the elevators. “Thanks, Lanie. And I mean thanks for going to dinner with us and including Logan. It means a lot to him. He needs it.”

I nodded up at him as I hugged him around his waist, happy to have our group somewhat back together. Becca walked with Logan, trying to get him to loosen up. As we hiked across campus to the cafeteria, I sent Xander a quick note telling him to meet us there if he got back any time soon.

We found a table for the four of us pretty easily. The campus wasn’t too crowded yet. I resorted to a basic salad; I overate all weekend long with Becca’s mom’s cooking for the holiday. The guys came back to the table with mounds of food spilling from their trays, which meant we would be herefor a while.

“So, how was everyone’s Thanksgiving? Did you two have fun being together at Becca’s house?” Logan spoke up first, breaking the ice between us. After that, the conversation flowed between us, and it felt almost normal. I smiled softly to myself, hopeful this was a sign of good things to come.

“I can’t believe you didn’t come to a single football game this year, Lanie. But at least we have this last hurrah before the ragers are done for the semester.” Becca was pouting but also very drunk. And I thinkI was, too.

The five of us went to Mid Street for the biggest day party of the season other than the football tailgates. Every year, the week after Thanksgiving, and before finals got started, a huge outdoor tailgate was held by all of the fraternities. They called it the “BRU Blackout.”

I was happy when Xander suggested we all go together. When he got back from Thanksgiving break, we had a talk. The agreement was, he would hang out with the guys, but Logan only got one chance. If he messed it up, that was it. And I agreed.

We were at Xander’s frat house on the party strip, hanging out in the yard where all the houses kind of connected. Most of the frats had a house here, so on party days it became one huge tailgate party with thousands of college kids.

“I know. What will we do until the spring? This is amazing. I’m glad I came today!” I wasn’t too happy with myself for consistently saying no to her about coming to the games. I went to one of the biggest football schools in the country, and I had bailed on going to any of the games.

“Oh my God, Lanie, I’m so glad you finally came. Isn’t this amazing? And the scenery isn’t bad either!” I saw her checking out her fair share of cute guys, even though she came with her boyfriend. Ty and Logan were in the house somewhere with Xander, I think getting to know some more of the brothers. I gave her a look of caution, looking toward the house to make sure Ty wasn’t nearby.

“Ugh, don’t worry about Ty. With how our weekend went at his parents’ house, let him think I might be straying. I don’t know, maybe I will.” As she was staring at another hot one, she bumped into someone and almost landedon her ass.

“OK, Becca, why don’t we go inside for a bit? See if there’s somewhere you can sit for a while.” I started leading her toward the stairs when Ty miraculously appeared at our side. “Ty, she needs to go in for a while. She’s had too much.”

“No, I haven’t! I’m fine, and I wanna to stay right here where all the cute guys are checking out my ass!” She struggled to stand while Ty guided her toward the steps.

“It’s OK, Bec. There are plenty of other guys in the house who will check you out, too. Let’s go in.” Ty was being great with her. I was impressed he wasn’t jealous. “Lanie, come on in, too. Xander’s still inside. I’ll take care of Becca.”

We found ourselves in a room that was elbow to elbow and had nowhere to go. Ty moved straight to the kitchen and immediately found Logan and Xander. He said something to Xander, who then pointed upthe stairs.

“Hey, beautiful, where have you been?” Xander made his way over, and his words were only for me. They gave me chills as he whispered them in my ear. His one arm snaked around my waist as he artfully played it off as though he were trying to get by me. We were working hard to still keep whatever we were a secret, though I knew he wanted everyone to know. But in true Xander form, he was honoring my wishes.

“I was outside with Becca, but she’s had one too many, so Ty brought her upstairs.”

He looked at me as if to say, “Not what I meant,” but the moment passed.

“I wish we could go upstairs.” His now mischievous look was also full of want and need, something I was starting to see more and moreon his face.

“Um, well ... I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Again, not the answer he was looking for. “I don’t want anyone talking; plus Logan’s here.” That was definitely not the response he wanted from me at all. He walked away, obviously mad.

I caught up to him, grabbing him by the arm. He spun around to face me, the hurt all over his face.

“Lanie, when are we all going to stop walking on eggshells around him? He’s a big boy. I’m sure he can handle it.” But as he was saying this, he saw my face, and he changed his tone immediately. “I’m sorry. I know you’re not ready, and we made this decision together. But I hope he’s not what’s keeping us from being where I want us to be. Please tell me we’re doing this for you.”

I shuddered at the thought of him thinking that. I grabbed his hand and tried to pull him away from the crowd, anywhere we could be alone for a minute. As I was dragging him through the house, frantically looking for a quiet spot, he guided me outside. We found ourselves in a quiet corner of the yard, away fromprying eyes.

“Xander, I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way. I ...”

“Lanie, stop. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel pressured to do anything before you’re ready.”

I was still holding his hands and I pulled him closer to me, wrapping his hands around my waist. He latched on and held me close, our faces almost touching.

“Xander, it’s not for anyone else but me that I’m doing this. I would love to let the whole world know we are what we are, but I’m scared. I’m scared becausewantingto be with another person feels foreign to me. I’ve never actually been in a healthy relationship. I’m trying to adjust to these feelings of actually being happy. But now I’m scared you won’t wait for me.”

---