Page 49 of All My Firsts

My eyes were bulging and tearing up at the same time.

My dad knew.

He knew thewhole time.

He knew what was happening to me.

I started shaking as the silent tears spilled over mylower lids.

“Daddy ...” I couldn’t say anything more than that. My voice cracked, and I started sobbing.

“Lanie ... I’m so sorry, honey ... I ... never ... I ... just so you know, your mom never really knew about any of this. Please don’t blame her or be mad. She’s only really finding out now, and she’s a mess. The doctor gave her some meds to help, but, well ... Listen, we really shouldn’t even be talking this long or about it on the phone. We’ll need to figure out some other way. But Lanie, honey, please believe me when I say I would never, ever have let him do those things to you if it was not a matter of life or death.”

I couldn’t hear any more of this. I was going to be sick. I took the phone off speaker mode and was about to disconnect the call when Xander grabbed the phone.

“Mr. Montgomery, this is Lanie’s boyfriend. My name is Xander James. I know about her end of it – well, most of it. I’m keeping her safe here, sir. And so you know, that guy from home who came here, he ...”

I walked away while Xander told my dad the story of Max’s visit. But I did hear my father screaming something from across the room.

“She’s, uh, I think in a bit of shock at the moment,” Xander said to my dad. “Why don’t you give me any information you need to provide so we can end this call?” Xander got some paper and wrote down a bunch of numbers and a phone number. “Yes, sir. I’ll take care of her. Thanks. OK, goodbye.”

I was numb. I didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t even crying anymore. Maybe I was going into shock. But would I be aware of going into shock if I was goinginto shock?

“Lanie, look at me.” Xander pulled me toward him, forcing me to look at him. All I wanted to do was curl up in bed, maybe with my e-reader or with my music playlist.

“Xander, I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this.” I tried to shake out of his grasp, push him off of me.“Stop!Don’t touch me!”

He let go of me as if I were on fire. I retreated to the corner of the couch, pulled my knees up to my chest, and curled into a ball. He kept his distance for a little while. Eventually he worked his way closer to me so our knees were touching. I couldn’t move any farther away, tucked into the corner as much as I could be. I felt his hand on my leg, the slightest touch, tentative.

I hated that I was doingthis to him.

But I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to do this anymore.

I was done.

“Lanie, please don’t shut me out.” It was a whisper. A calm voice for the storm inside my head, but it was barely breaking through. Bringing my hands up to my face and covering my eyes, I was hoping it would all just go away. “I know you feel like your world is crashing around you and you have nowhere to turn, but you have me. I’ll always be here for youto turn to.”

“Xander, I can’t do this,” I cried with such desperation in my voice, my hands flailing from my face. “Don’t you see me right now? I’m a useless shell of a person, used, abused, with nothing left for you. You should get out now while you can.” I started to jerk my body away from him, but knew I had to say more. “You know I haven’t told you everything. Well, the parts I haven’t told you are so bad, they’re dark and disgusting. There’s a part of my relationship with Max that is so twisted and wrong that I can’t even come to terms with it myself.” My eyes looked to the ceiling, my self-loathingtaking over.

He was quiet after I said that, probably contemplating what I’d said. Maybe even starting to realize thetruth in it.

“Lanie, what are you talking about?” He tried to turn me toward him, but I shrugged out of his holdand refused.

Finding my voice, I realized I was furious at the news from the call. “To find out my father knows, that he knew the whole time about Max abusing me, it makes it worse! Howcould he?!”

Xander kept his distance for a moment, I’m sure wondering if my outburst was over. Eventually, he approached me and looked mein the eye.

“We see things very differently, Lanie. What I see right now is someone who received probably some of the worst news they could have gotten, and what are you doing? You’re keeping it together. I see a woman who has gotten strong because of and in spite of all the shit she’s been through. You aren’t freaking out or punching things like I would be. You’re calmly processing it. You’re allowing your mind the time it needs to adjust to this fucked up situation you’re now in. Babe, you’re not a useless person. You are the most amazing human I’veever known.”

He had my hands in his, and the warmth I craved from him wormed its way through my veins,up my arms.

“Lanie, please look at me.” I didn’t feel ready yet, but my eyes betrayed me and listened to my heart instead of my brain. I looked into those deep blue eyes and became lost in them. “With you is exactly where I belong. Remember, I told you I would be here tocatch you.”

There were no words for this man. I continued to look into his eyes, nodding my head, acknowledging that I’d heard him as best I could.

“I really wish I never made that phone call to him. That was information we didn’t need, Xander. What good has that done? It’s only shattered me more.” We’d moved back to the couch, sitting together. His arms were around my shoulders, and I fell into the crook of his neck, my head nestled perfectly into the spot under his chin as if it weremade for me.

“Babe, I don’t agree. You might not like knowing your dad knew, but look at it this way. He was trying to help you. He wasn’t standing by doing absolutely nothing. There is this account he has for you, and you didn’t hear him at the end, but they’re leaving the country. I think this is a lot bigger than you even realize. Do you really know who the Marcellos are?” I sat up immediately when he said this.

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