Page 42 of All My Firsts

Xander didn’t understand there was no such thing as being safe in a world with Max in it.

But he seemed hell-bent on trying.

He held me for what seemed like hours, us both quiet. There weren’t any words for what we had witnessed and lived through that morning. I think I spent most of the time trying to stop my body from physically reacting, the tremors and tears eventually subsiding.

Xander was also trying not to respondphysically.

I could feel it in him. His body tensed under me, every muscle going hard as I moved around. He was trying to restrain it, I could tell. But his control was waning. He was getting antsy. He wasstruggling.

Suddenly, he got up, stretching his strained muscles, reaching, causing his shirt to ride up and give me a glimpse of his tautmidsection.

And how fucked up is it that my abuser had returned and I was around him for the first time in months, and I was thinking about Xander’s body?

Inthatway.

Why does the human minddeceive us?

Or was my heart trying to guide me in that direction? I was so confused; it was all a jumble inside me at that moment, literally makingme nauseous.

“I’m going to take another look.” He was itching to find Max, I knew. Or maybe he needed to move, to get up. “I’m going to look farther out on campus and get us some food while I’m out there. I think someone should be here with you, though. Who should I get?”

He seemed on edge, rattled, like he was ready for a fight that couldn’t happen.

“I don’t want anyone here with me, Xander. I just want to be alone. I’ll be OK.” He didn’t look convinced, but he also knew he wouldn’t win this argument. “Please be careful. You have no idea who you’re dealing with.” I looked up, my eyes pleading with him to truly understand what I was trying to tell him, my untold secrets.

“Lanie, he has no idea who he’s dealingwith in me.”

He was back in less than twenty minutes with a full tray of food, but the enraged look on his face concerned me.

“What’s wrong?” I knew immediately that he’d seen Max.

“He’s literally sitting in the cafeteria with a cap on, in the corner, hiding. He’s waiting for you. He’s a sick motherfucker. I really wanted to go over and take him out.”

He was pacing, hands fisted. I hated seeing this side of Xander and knowing that Max was the one bringing itout in him.

This time, it was me calming him down. I reached out, holding his face, looking him in the eyes. I pulled him closer, beckoning him to grab a hold of me, which he did by putting his handson my waist.

“Stay with me,”I told him.

Our faces were only inches apart, our breaths mingling, and I felt his breathing starting to match mine. I leaned in and touched my lips to his, and he responded by digging his fingers into my hips tightly, holding on to me likea lifeline.

My mouth was by his ear, and I whispered, “I’m glad you came back to me instead. To be here, safe with me, to take care of me. I need you, Xander, in more ways than I can putinto words.”

And I kissed him again, this time more fervently. He immediately wrapped his arms around my waist as he pushed me against the wall.

I froze, not sure if I could do this, and Xander felt the changein my body.

“I’m sorry, that was too much.” He pulled slightly away. “I would never hurt you. Tell me if you want me to stop. Just say the word.”

I remained still, not sure of my next move. His body was firmly up against mine, the heat between us evident. The feeling in my lower belly was one I’d never felt before. As it spread and warmed me, I felt my hips push forward, betraying me, feeling good while doing it. My hesitancy was slipping, but I was scared to move forward.

The energy around him transformed, his anger morphing into desire right before my eyes. I was not afraid of him hurting me, only afraid of what he could doto my heart.

I knew my heart wanted this, but my mind was fighting it, withgood reason.

“We’ll take this at the pace you want. You’re safe withme, Lanie.”

I nodded into his neck as he held me against the wall, my resolve now melting away as my desire grew stronger with every breath. He felt the change in me, a low groan of approval coming from deepwithin him.

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