Page 43 of All My Firsts

His hands slowly slid down my body, causing me to shiver against him. He grabbed the backs of my thighs, lifting me as I wrapped my legs around him, using the wall to support us. I brought my mouth back to his, and he moaned deeply. The hum of it vibratedon my lips.

His fingers trailed down my arms, finding my waist under my shirt. That sent shivers up and down my spine, tiny explosions happening at every spot he touched, making my head spin.

I had no idea this was how it felt. The sheer desire running through my body was enough to topple me to the ground. The fire burning deep in my core fed the need for him tokeep going.

Eventually, his fingertips found their way to the band of my bra, rubbing along its edge, trying to ask for permission to go inside. But instead, his hand slid up slowly, tenderly, across the lace of my bra, cupping my breast in his hand, the weightof it heavy.

His thumb ran over the peak, which came alive from the attention, all while sending shock waves to my foundation. The small sounds coming from my mouth should have been embarrassing. Yet they seemed to be a turn-on for Xander, who swallowed the sounds in his mouth the moreI made them.

I was rubbing my fingers through his soft, messy hair, about to start lifting up his shirt, when he caught my eyes with his and the storm in them made my breath hitch.

And then I froze.

Something went wrongin my head.

Really, really wrong.

My body went completely still, and Xander gently put me down on the ground. He slowly backed up, putting his hands upas he went.

“Hey, you with me, babe? It’s me. You’re OK. It’s me – it’s Xander.”

He kept repeating those words over and over again, but it sounded as if I wasunder water.

And then therewas nothing.

The pain in his voice was heartbreaking.

“Lanie, wake up, baby. I’m so sorry. C’mon, Lanie, come back to me.” His fingers gently caressed my face, my jawline. I knew I was lying down, but I couldn’t tell where. My eyes felt like they were glued shut when I tried to open them. No words would come outof my mouth.

I finally felt like I could move my fingers. I reached out and found his hand, grippingit tightly.

“Lanie.” It was a whisper, a reverent whisper. He lifted my hand gently to his mouth, holding it there for long moments. Eventually, my lids were able to crack open, and the light flooded in. Xander cradled my head at his chest, shielding me from the light, from everything. “I’m here.” He was shaking. I thought he was crying, and I hated that I’d done this.

“Xander.”

“Shh, Lanie.”

“No, Xander, I’m sorry. I didn’t ...”

“Lanie.” He abruptly sat up, holding my face in his hands, the torment evident in his face. “Stop – never apologize. Never. We won’t do anything until you’re ready. I’m sorry if I pushed you.I’m sorry.”

“How long was I out?” I asked, knowing it probably wasn’t long. It never was.

“A couple minutes, maybe not even. But you scared the shit out of me.” He was white as a ghost. Most times when I shut down like that, I was with Max. He never gave a shit. He never even acknowledged it most times; he probably thought I’d fallen asleep. “Should we go to the hospital?” Xander asked.

“No!” My sudden outburst startled him. “I mean, I’m OK. It’s happened before. My mind kind of shuts itself down.”

A look of devastation overcame him.

“I didn’t mean to ...” Xander started to say.

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you. You didn’t push me. I thought Iwasready. I’m just not, I guess.”

He pulled me close, his arms a shield around me, a force to be reckoned with. This embrace was an apology as well as a promise.

He whispered in my ear, “We’ll wait as long aswe need to.”

We made it through the evening and the whole night without any visits from Max, which was a welcome change from the night before. We knew we couldn’t trust that meanthe was gone.

---