Page 41 of All My Firsts

I already felt the hard slap to my face I knew I would get, the yank to my arm as he dragged me away, the intense push to the ground to force me into a submissive position. I imagined we wouldn’t even get farther than his car before he would feel the need to punish me more. The pain he would inflict on me would be unimaginable considering how bad I’d been – ignoring him, not answering his calls.

No one could save me from this. No one.

He was a monster whoalways won.

I heard someone fumbling at the door with keys. Xander would not have trouble opening his door. It had to be Max.

Thedoor opened.

I stayed completely still with my head facing the wall, hoping he wouldn’t see me tucked in the corner. I heard him coming closer and started to whimper – I couldn’t help it. Then I felt his hands on me and started fighting him off, screaming and flailing.

How did he getin the room?

He must have hurt Xander somehow and gotten his key.

Oh my God,he’s got me!

I couldn’t let this happen. I’d come too far. But what was Igoing to do?

“Stop, Max, please, stop! I’ll listen to you, I promise. Don’t hurt me, please!” I started begging him, hoping he would have mercy on me. “We can go to my room. My roommate isn’t here. We can ...”

“Lanie, it’s me. It’s Xander, Lanie. Stop. Relax! Stop kicking. It’s me, babe. It’s Xander.” He was trying to get a hold of me, but I wouldn’t stop.

My irrational brain wouldn’t listen to his voice, wouldn’t recognize the reality of the situation. He finally got me in a bear hug and lay next to me, talking calmly in my ear.

“It’s OK. Shh, shh, I’ve got you. I’m nothim. It’s me. He’s gone. I checked everywhere, and there’s no sign of him anywhere. Please calm down, baby. You’re OK. I’ve got you.”

I froze.

Oh my God. Whatwas I doing?

I couldn’t look at him, but I didn’t have to. I finally knew who had me. It registered. I felt the safety of his embrace, smelled the familiarity of his scent. The warmth of his arms broke through the madnessin my head.

But the panic wasn’t going away. It was right under the surface, ready to break through again at the sound of Max’s voice. The only thing that separated Max from me was a six-inch wall and a door. How was Xander possibly going to keep me hidden from him?

Max always got what he wanted.

Yet here I was in Xander’s arms, feeling his warm breath move my hairas he spoke.

“Lanie, what did that monsterdo to you?”

I remained frozen, unmoving in his hold. The chaos in my brain telling me it would do no good to divulge the madness. No one could help; no one could save me from him. I chanced a look at Xander, seeking out his watchful eyes, dreading whatI might see.

But I did see it –the change.

His eyes were different, looking at me as if I were broken, in need of saving.

And I was.

But I wasn’t ready for him to doit, not yet.

I struggled to find my voice. I needed to know.

“Are you sure he’s gone? It’s not normal for him to give up like that.” My voice was cracking, breaking through my quiet whispers as I tried to keep the small bit of control I had found in place. “I kind of feel it, like it’s going to happen. He’s going to get me.” I finally looked up, fully facing Xander at this point, needing the complete truth.

His eyes searched my face for a moment before his hand came to cradle my cheek, my head instinctively dipping toward his warmth, eyes fluttering shut. It’s amazing how a simple touch could offer my soul such comfort. I will never understand this immediate connection to an almost stranger, my need to be near him, my desireto be close.

“I didn’t see him anywhere. I will not let him get you.” He let the tiniest bit of what sounded like contempt come through in his voice. “I won’t let him anywhere near you. You’re safe. I’ll keep you safe.”

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