Page 3 of All My Firsts

Chapter 1

It had been so long since I’d been truly happy, I didn’t remember if this was how it felt. When I left home to come to school, I had this vision of what my life should be like. Parties, friends, classes. But that was not in the cards for me. Not because it wasn’t there for the taking. Rather, I realized I wasn’t ready nor interested in those things yet. Instead, I was sticking to what I knew: solitude. But what made it even better was the absence of Max. That allowed me to finally feel, for the first time in years, possibly happy.

The bench I had chosen to sit on was under a beautiful tree with a wide canopy, its leaves the size of my palm. They rustled in the breeze and filtered the sunshine overhead. I sat here so I could people watch, just like at home.It helped get me out ofmy own head.

I caught sight of a couple as they walked along a pathup ahead. They seemed to be the epitome of “happy” as she clung to him and he smiled down at her. Her arms wrapped around his torso. Her smile was vibrant as she laughed at something he said. Her arms were bare; she was wearing a tank top. Her arms free of marks, freeto be bare.

He stopped walking, pulled her closer, and put his arm around her neck while placing a kiss on top of her head. It was sweet, almost sickeningly sweet. I would put money on them being a new couple, considering we were only a few weeks into the fall semester. New-relationship bliss was a thing; I’d watched it happen countless times. I’d be curious to observe this couple again in a month to see if the honeymoon phase had worn off.

I was interrupted by a raucous group of guys who looked like athletes walking together. Eventheylooked happy, fist bumping and pushing each other as they passed right infront of me.

Was everyone happy?

Pulling my attention from the gaggle of jocks, not wanting to get distracted, I saw another couple. These two were not as outwardly affectionate yet seemed content with one another, almost in a long-term way. She was sitting on a ledge, her feet reaching the bench her apparent boyfriend was lounging against. His hand was rubbing slow circles on her ankle as she seemed to be busy on her phone with something of importance. Their comfort level with each other struck me as I watched her pick a piece of leaf outof his hair.

Her hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun, a common style for a day so hot. My own hair was piled high, and I was still not used to being able to wear it up and off my neck so often.

Eventually, another couple approached and they were all engaged in conversation and laughing. I watched from afar, the longing inside nagging at me. They were unaware of how unassumingly perfect they were and how it had the potential to destroy others.

“Lanie, what are you doing?” I jumped as a body plopped down next to me on the bench. “Thought it was you when I walked out of the union, but I wasn’t expecting to see you sitting here. Want some company? I have a few minutes before I need to go to class.” Becca talked in run-on sentences all the time. I thought she must have an oxygen tank hidden in her backpack.

“I’m just hanging out here, waiting for my next class.” My response was short; we didn’t talk to each other much. Completely my fault.

She looked around, enjoying the view as much as I was. “I didn’t hear you leave the room this morning – you’re quiet. I hope I’m as quiet as you are, but something tells me I’m not, so I’m sorry ahead of time for all the times I’ll wake you up. I guess you had an early class.”

Her eyes found a guy who was walking toward us. She looked him up and down as she flipped her hair over her shoulder while smiling. Confidence was not something Becca lacked; the guy smiled rightback at her.

“I can see why you chose to sit here. The view is divine. I might have to join you more often. Well, anyway, I need to get going; my class is clear across the other side of campus. Maybe I’ll see you in the cafeteria for lunch? See ya later, Lanie.”

I assumed she was already used to my silence, and she was on her way before I had a chance to say anything back. But I wasn’t going to respond, and she knew that.

It was then I noticed another couple walking down the path toward me.The guy looked familiar, and I was pretty sure he lived on my floor. The girl was hanging all over him, but he seemed disinterested, since no part of his body was intentionally touching hers. Yet her hands were trying to make themselves known to all the parts of him. He didn’t seem to be mad, definitely wasn’t being mean, simply disinterested. His body language was loud and clear; she was just not capable nor willing enough to read it. He was gorgeous, so I was sure she was infatuated with him. And she was stunning, so I was confused as to why he would not be returning the attention.

They were a compelling duo to watch.

He turned his head toward her, said something that made her stop walking, and she looked dejected. He turned around, waved goodbye, and she moved on.

I wasn’t sure I could figure this one out, even after all the years I’d been doing it.

And that was when Igot caught.

He was looking directly at me.

I realized it too late. I’d been staring at him for seconds longer than was natural. I tore my gaze from his, embarrassed, the heat already surging up from my neck onto my cheeks. When I’m people watching, this sometimes happens. Of course, people will catch me watching them.

But this time was different.

His look was different.

Plus, we lived on the same floor. I was going to see him again, and this made it more uncomfortable.

It was hard to keep my eyes on my lap, the temptation to look back up strong. But my fear of him still being there was stronger. I waited for what I felt had to be a reasonable amount of time for him to be on his way. I raised my eyes only to find him there, frozen in place, staring at me. His deep blue gaze was peering into my soul, penetrating me in a way nothing else ever had; it was as if he saw something familiar, and it scared the hell out of me.

Didhe know me?

Didhe know Max?

My hands were shaking as I put my tea down on the bench next to me, afraid I might spill it. I was nervous, unsure of how a simple look from a person I didn’t even know could putme on edge.

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