Page 36 of All My Firsts

I didn’t need to look at him to know. I could feel the anger radiating off him. He knew.

“I’m gonna go get our things. I’ll be right back.” He tried to keep the edge out of his voice as he rushed off, leaving me in the chair. But I didn’t care. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to disappear.

I wanted thisall to stop.

Xander was back quickly, our bags in his hands. He threw them on the floor and got on his knees in front of me, his hands gripping my thighs.

“Lanie, look at me. You’re OK. You’re doing OK.” My head snapped up when he said that.

“I’m not OK, Xander, and I’m not going to be OK! You don’t know what this means.” My voice was cracking. I wanted to be strong, stronger than I was. But this was the worst thing that could have been happening.

“He’s coming. Max is coming. He’s coming here!” I screamed as I pushed Xander away from me and jumped to my feet. I started pacing in the little bit of peace he had carved for us tucked away in this alcove. “You have no idea what that means for me! What he could do to me, will do to me. And it’s all because ...” I paused, because I almost didn’t want to say my next words. But I was angry. “It’s all because we blocked him. He’s coming because we blocked him.”

I fell back into the chair, defeated. Because nothing I seemed to do ever worked with Max. He always haunted me; he always showed up.

I didn’t want to look at Xander, afraid of what I might see. He was most likely ready to ditch this crazy situation, or at the very least he was mad at me. The tightness in my chest was increasing, like a cinder block had landed on me. My breathing became labored, and I knew what was happening. The attack would hit me from all sides, and I wouldn’t be ableto stop it.

“Lanie, put your head between your legs and close your mouth. Breath through your nose only.” His words were firm but kind as he guided my head lower. He sat on the floor next to me. “That’s it – breathe very slowly. Slow, measured breaths.” His hand was on my back as he spoke next to my ear.

I felt my breathing leveling off, which had never happened so quickly before. I pushed up a bit, my elbows on my knees. He pulled his water from his bag and offered me a sip.

“How’s that? Better?” he asked, his voice void of his normalconfidence.

I nodded while looking at him. His brows pinched together as if he were in pain, and his eyes were glassy. I still had so many feelings reeling within me, but I didn’t expect my heart to hurt seeing him that way.

“Lanie, I’m ...” His voice broke as he tried to talk, forcing him to stop. He bent his head, resting it on my knee. “I’m so sorry. I did this; I made this happen.” My fingers went to his head, rubbing and working through his hair.

The whiplash of emotions, my anger so easily shifting to concern, was not something I was used to. I had to believe it was due to the fact that I never cared enough with Max. I never cared enough to give up on the anger and the hate – I held on to it. But not with Xander. I wanted to be mad. It was his idea to block Max’s number, so I could easily blame him. But he wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t agreed to it.

“I’m not blaming you, Xander. There’s no one to blame here but Max. It was a mutual decision to block his number.” He lifted his head from my leg. “I should have done it a long time ago, and I needed you to encourage me to do it. This would have happenedregardless.”

He looked at me, giving a sharp nod while his hand reached up, stroking my cheek with his knuckles. While gathering our things, he looked around apprehensively.

“Do you think you should call your dad and get some more information? Try to figure out when he’s coming?”

“Yeah, I can just text him.” I stood up with him, ready to head back to our dorm, not sure what my next step really was. My face must have let on that I was a ball of confusion, because Xander dropped everything andcame to me.

“Hey,” he said softly, “we’ll figure this out. I told you that you won’t have to do it alone anymore.” His hands cradled my face as he spoke. And it was comforting to know I would have him by my side during this. But I had just realized mynew reality.

Xander, and everyone here at school, was going to bear witness to my nightmare.

Somehow, we made it back to Xander’s room. On the way, I texted my dad and learned that Max was still in Texas but had put in for that comingFriday off.

He would be here bythe weekend.

Xander went on the hunt for Becca, thinking she needed to know what was going on. He was in the process of devising a plan and wanted to talk to the both of us about it. But then I heard some yelling. Xander came storming back into the room with Becca following him. He looked pissed, while Becca looked concerned, maybe even a bit nervous. Her eyes found me on the couch, and I saw she was afraid to say what she wanted to.

“Lanie,” Becca started, “Xander told me what’s going on with Max, but there’s some other stuff going on, too.” She looked anxiously over at Xander, wringing her hands together. Xander’s stance showed his anger, hands on his hips. He refused to look at her, his back turned to both of us. That was nota good sign.

“Xander doesn’t want me to even tell you, and he might be right, but ...”

“Then why even start, Becca? Hasn’t she been through enough already, especially from him?” Xander turned toward us, yelling, throwing his hands up in the air. “Why would you feel the need, after what I told you is going on with this shithead of hers from home? Why would you even feel the need to press this about Logan right now? He doesn’t deserve her time at all after what he did, and especially not now with this other shit she’s got going on!” He was furious, yelling at her to the point that she was on the brink of tears.

“I’m sorry – you’re right. He’s not the priority here. I need to keep that in perspective.” She was working hard to keep it together. I was still sitting on the couch, watching all of this play out in front of me. It was as if they had both forgotten I wasin the room.

She finally looked my way. “Logan is drunk again, and we keep trying to get him to understand he needs to be sober to do this, to apologize. Ty and I have talked about taking him home for a few days, getting him out of here. They’re both from the same town, so I could go with them and stay with Ty.”

She was looking at me as though Icould break.

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