Page 24 of All My Firsts

My drink sprayed all over her shirt as I choked and spit.

“Becca!” I whisper-yelled at her. “I am not going to just have sex with him!”

“Why not? We’re in college, in the prime of our life. Now’s the time to do it. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, just use that body of his, but fucking do it. Because, shit, you can’t let that go to waste.” Her eyes trailed toward Xander as she spoke, obviously enjoying the view. And I couldn’t disagree with her there.

He was hot. Reallyfucking hot.

But I was not at a point in my life where I could use someone for personal pleasure. I didn’t know if I could ever do that.

“If that’s how you feel, why are you in a relationship with Ty?” It was an honest question.

“I want to be in a relationship. I don’t want the occasional fuck right now. I want it all the time, plus I want the cuddles that come with being a couple. But I know you think you don’t want that right now, so that’s allI’m saying.”

Then I saw him walking toward us again. I nervously grabbed Becca’s hand to make sure she wouldn’tabandon me.

“Lanie,” he said as he sidled up next to us. “I’m really glad you made it.” He was giving me a huge smile, one that put his dimple on full display.

It made myknees weak.

“Yeah, I made it.” I smiled back at Xander, a real smile likehe gave me.

But his eyes held contact with mine for a moment longer than was natural. Someone should have looked away by now. But then another girl came up and grabbed his arm, pulling him away. He hesitated but gave in and walked away with her.

Talk about mixed messages. Hoping Becca had seen that, I turned to her, noticing an incredulous lookon her face.

“Don’t worry, I saw that, and no, you’re not seeing things. He did stare at you, he did make it seem like it was just the two of you for a brief moment, even with that girl all over him, but then bam, he up and left. And all to say the same damn thing he already said to us? I think I need to go have a talk with him, Lanie. Set him straight.”

“No!” I screamed. So loud people around us turned and looked. I grabbed a hold of her arm, pulling her back as she started toward him. “No,” I continued, a bit quieter. “Don’t, it’s OK. He’s talking to all those girls now. Don’t make a scene.” That was the last thing I wanted after theday I’d had.

“I got you, girl. All I need to do is quietly let him know that you and Logan are definitely not an item and you’re on the market. Trust me.”

She stalked toward him on a mission, and I didn’t want to watch.

But it was like watching a car wreck: I had to.

She discreetly grabbed a hold of him and talked in his ear as best she could to keep it private. I had no idea exactly what she was saying, but I knew the moment he was told the news.

His eyes jerked toward me and had a different look about them. From across the room, I saw a look of want, a look of understanding, and a look of apology all wrapped up in one.

Becca gave him a triumphant smile and came back my way. I couldn’t look over there anymore. I was mortified at this point. She grabbed me and twirled me around to the music.

“You can thank me later! And shit, he smells fantastic! Let’s go dance!”

She grabbed my hand and led me to the middle of the room where others were already grinding and moving to the music. We found ourselves grinding up against new friends from the floor, now no longer strangers. By my third drink, the alcohol removed any remaining inhibitions I had, my body responding to years of pent-up frustration as I bounced from every guy and girl in the corner Becca and I were in. My eyes kept seeking Xander out, connecting, lingering. But he kept his distance. I was working up the nerve to ask him to come dance with us. He kept watching me dance and would smile. But then his attention would go back to the barely dressed girls that were hanging all over him.

I wasn’t enjoying this game we were playing witheach other.

That was when Ty and Logan sauntered through the door. They went straight to Xander, who pointed me and Becca out. All three heads pivoted in our direction before the guys began their trek toward us through the crowd. It took some time, as they stopped to say hello to other frat brothers along the way. They made this tiny dorm room feel enormous with how long their journeyto us took.

Becca grabbed Ty immediately and started grinding up against him. “Finally, Ty. Where the hell have you guys been all night? I want to dance with you!”

That left Xander, Logan, and me. It was only slightly awkward.

“Hey, Lanie, I’m soooo glad you made it tonight. How ’bout a drink after the day you had?” Logan slurred.

Shit, that was not what I neededhim saying.

And righton cue ...

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