Page 21 of All My Firsts

“Well, if you think back, our conversation went something like this. I said I wanted to go to college, and when you put up a fight, I said I would go to my father. You didn’t want me doing that, since you were just getting started with your new job with him – you know, your new image and all. How is the campaign going, by the way? I know your end game is to kick my dad out of the way and take his place eventually, but whatever. He’ll probably thank you for it when you do it.” I heard Max huffing and puffing on the other end of the line, but I gave him no chance to interject. I had finally learned from him. “So it’s unlike last year, when you prevented me from doing what I needed to do then. And I still have no idea how you pulled that one off. How the hell did you have my guidance counselor in your back pocket anyway? A school counselor gets a plea for help about abuse and calls the abuser? That’s some sick shit. But I’m done, Max.” I was pacing back and forth at this point, wearing a path in front of the bench. “I’m done listening to your every demand.We are over!And there’s nothing you can do about it!”

And I hung up.

I hated him.

I hated that he had so much control over my life from over thirteen hundredmiles away.

I hated that I allowed him to have that control.

I hated that my whole body responded so strongly to him fromso far away.

As I stood there, in front the bench, I felt stuck and frozen in place. My chest felt tight as the first tears sprung loose. Before long, my shirt was wet from crying as I struggled for each breath, my lungs burning.

The pain hurt every muscle, every cell. The sobs racked through my body, but this time, I was alone,truly alone.

No one was going to hit me, or beat me, or berate me for just being me.

And I felt a shift inside.

The tears were still streaming down my face, but I realized something ...

I.

Was.

Furious.

How dare he have someone follow me?

How dare he tell me I can’t have friends?

Finally, I let out a blood-curdling scream.

The birds that were settled on the pond flew away in a rush due to the sudden noise. All the critters in the nearby woods quieted, thinking there was a danger present.

And I guess to them, there was a present danger.

I can only imagine what I looked like, my hair a tangled mess, my eyes red and swollen, and my face blotchy and wet with tears. But since letting out that scream, I had started feeling better. I’d never done that before, and maybe I needed to; the release of emotion felt good,really good.

And I started to think I could do this.

I felt the bindings that tied him to me loosening, and with a little work, I could wiggle myselfa bit freer.

I looked around, took inventory of my surroundings, and realized I was still alone. Feeling shaky, I slumped against the bench to figure out my next step. I looked out to the pond and lo and behold glimpsed the rumored otter that made this place his home.

He seemed to lookright at me.

“Hey, dude, what’s up?” His little snout peeked over a log on the far edge of the water. “You’re probably thinking I’m some lunatic, but I promise I’m not.” I laughed out loud to myself, and him, I guess. “You were my witness. You saw me make the biggest change in me I’ve ever made, little guy. My life’s a mess, ya know. I’m doing the best I can, but I think I’ve decided I have it in me to fight. How will I fight? I don’t quite know yet, but I’ll figure it out. Baby steps, right,little guy?”

He was still looking at me, as if he was waiting to see if I was done talking to him. In the next moment, his head dipped under leaving a ring of ripples in the water. I couldn’t find him again.

But it felt good to say something out loud, to talk about it, even if it was only to an otter. Sooner or later, I would bring myself to tell Becca, and I knew I would feel better for it. Until then, this wouldhave to do.

I realized how late in the day it already was, and I hadn’t even eaten yet. Odd that I even feltlike eating.

Before I started walking back toward the main part of campus, I texted Becca to see if she wanted to get lunch. She answered immediately, saying she was eating with Ty. I was happy to have company after what I’d gone through, which was another change for me.

Becca texted to say she had grabbed me a sandwich and a water so I could just find them at their table, which was even better. Once I got there, I looked around and found them canoodling at a corner table.

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