Page 11 of All My Firsts

Last night, I felt like I stole some of them back. Well, I guess I couldn’t actually get them back, but it felt good to do some of themon my terms.

I lay in bed. The sun had just come up, and I was wide awake because I couldn’t stop thinking about my night. The giddy feeling in my stomach from my thoughts made me think it could have been a dream, but it happened. It really happened, and itwas my life.

I had actual friends, and I couldn’tbe happier.

I looked over at Becca as quiet snores escaped from her; she was likely to be asleep for many more hours. I was thankful to have been placed in a room with such a patient person. I had no plans to make any connections or friendships when I came here, but she had started breaking through my tough exterior, and I was grateful.

The bowling alley had been packed. Loud music blasted from speakers while everyone bowled, dancing in between games. I started slow, Becca and the guys giving me time and space to adjust to the party atmosphere. When we first walked in, I wasn’t sure I would make it, my eyes wide at the size of the group already there. But we found a spot along the side wall that afforded me what felt like safety. Before long, sweat from dancing dripped off my temples. I even hada few beers.

Ihad a blast.

So my night out was a small victory, a “first,” while here at school.

The other part of my night was Xander. Since going out went well, there was no need for me to text him an SOS. But once I was home, he texted me.

Xander:

Just checking in to see if everything is ok since I didn’t hear from u hoping that means u had a good night

Before going to bed,I responded:

Me:

I did have a good night thx

That was it. Simple, but it made me smile.

Yesterday with Xander, I felt as if I was being touched for the first time by a guy. They were simple touches on my arms, legs, or back, nothing serious. Yet they felt more intimate than any sex I was ever forced to have with Max.

But I didn’t know him. There were so many things that could go wrong if I let Xander into my life. I could actually fall for him. Or Max could find out about him. And then there were the ideas that Becca and the guys putin my head.

Ugh, how quickly I had shifted my mood. I’d gone from elated about my night to paranoid about trusting my gut about Xander. But I came here intending to stay isolated, to keep to myself, and I’d already broken my rule about that. I needed to stay the course and stick to my original plan to get my education and avoid going back to Texas at all costs.

I had constant reminders of why I didn’t want to go back home. All the texts I get from Max were the complete opposite of the one from Xander. There were plenty of those last night as well, yet I chose not to look at them.

I hovered my finger over my phone, afraid of what it would show me.

Max:

Why are you not answering my calls

You might think we aren’t together, but think again

Lanie, I’ve been calling you all week you need to answer me

When I text you bitch you answer me. When I call you, you answer me

You’re probably whoring around aren’t you

This is unacceptable behavior from you, answer the fucking phone the next time I call or I’m on a plane

That last text had my blood running cold. Would he really do that?

Me:

Max, we are broken up I’m sorry if you’re not willing to accept that but we are not together anymore I’m not going to respond to your texts or calls

Shit, I hoped that would shut him up. I couldn’t have him coming here – never even had that thought crossed my mind. I needed to keep him in San Antonio at all costs. The thought of him here, in my safe space, sent chills straightto my bones.

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