Page 12 of All My Firsts

I felt my phone buzz, which was crazy, because it was super early back in Texas.

Max:

Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I get like that

You know I don’t mean it when I get like that

I get so crazy thinking about what you could be doing, who could be talking to you, touching you

I’ll do better I just miss you can you call me it will help

I can’t live without you, you have to know that

He always did this, made excuses for his behavior, thinking his apologies made up forthe wrongs.

An apology doesn’t make bruises go away.

Flowers don’t give me back my virginity.

I wasn’t sure I could lie in this bed much longer, since sleep continued to evade me due to my own thoughts. I needed to forget about him.

I decided to go for a run, hoping that would help. I tiptoed across the room to change my clothes, grabbed my sneakers and earbuds, and headed out the door. It was a beautiful morning, and the campus I lived on afforded me a view of mountaintops veiled in mist and clouds that took your breath away. It was an alluring backdrop that kept my mind off my own troubles as I pounded the pavement.

More than thirty minutes into my run, I was circling the pond on the outskirts of campus and heard footsteps behind me in between songs on my playlist. My nervous nature kicked in and I veered off my trail, deciding to stop at the nearest bench so I could look at my nearby companion. As I sat, I turned my head, my timid eyes peeking behind me. A familiar face was smilingdown on me.

“Morning, Lanie! You’re up early after anight out.”

Xander, in all his sweaty hotness, was approaching me in his shorts and a tank that was showing off biceps I hadn’t knownwere there.

They were most definitely there, and I think he caught me looking at them.

There was also a tattoo on one of them, though I couldn’t make it out. But it did a fine job of highlighting the definition of said muscle. The shirt was loose enough to show the hint of another tattoo on his chest, but I couldn’t see the whole thing. It only added to his allure and sexiness.

Oh my God. The fluttery feeling in my stomach – you know, that feeling when an elevator makes a sudden drop. Well, I had that. Just from seeing him infront of me.

“I didn’t know you ran,” he said. By then, he was standing next to the bench I had sought refuge on.

“Um, yeah, I did at home, but this is the first run I’ve gone on since getting to Blue RidgeUniversity.”

Silence again. I should have been able to say more than that, more than one-sentence answers, but I shut down and got too nervous. He seemed to understand, and I didn’t feel silly or embarrassed. Rather, he carried the conversation for me.

“Well, you picked the best route to run here at BRU. This is my favorite spot. Sometimes you can see the otter in the pond if you time it right, too. I, um, I didn’t make you nervous coming up behindyou, did I?”

His face was genuine, and I was immediately second-guessing my doubts from this morning in bed. I felt such a strong desire to trust this guy, but it wasn’t in my nature to trust someone I barely know. Why was I?

My face and body language must have given away my answer. I pulled my legs up under my arms, and his response was immediate.

“Oh shit, Lanie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I saw it was you, and I got excited and sped up to not miss you. I didn’t know which way you were going to go up ahead and I wanted to catch you, is all.” By this point, he was sitting on the bench near me, but not too close. He was always very conscious of my fears, it seemed.

“It’s OK, really. It’s something I have to get over. It’s me, not you.”

Typically, I would look away, but with him, I couldn’t. I was staring straight into his eyes, unable to break theconnection.

That magnetic pull I felt around him was back, and I immediately started to relax. I had such a strong desire for him to come closer and touch me, do anything so I could feel that feeling again.

“Well, at least it doesn’t look like I’m going to send you into another panic attack.” He said this with a kind smile, and I could do nothing but return it. At this, he leaned back on the bench, as if we were going to be sitting here for a while together, and took out his phone. His tank inched up and revealed a portion of stomach that was as ripped as his biceps. It also exposed that little line of hair that disappeared below the band of his shorts, and a tiny gasp escaped my mouth. I became self-conscious and had to turn my head away from him.

“Ya know, when I got this text from you last night, I was glad to hear it went well and you didn’t need me. Did you guys have fun?”

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