Page 85 of All My Firsts

The next morning, I walked out of my room and felt that familiar hum in my bones I would feel when he was near. I immediately lifted my eyes to see him struggling to fit his key in the lockof his door.

He paused; he felt me, too.

He didn’t look my way, though, and continued to turn his key, open his door, and go into his room.

He may as well have punched me in the gut. That would have hurt less.

I’d finally gotten used to the idea of not having him around, and that was still miserable. But once he returned, I knew it was going to beimpossible.

I spun around and went right back into my room, slamming the door. Leaning up against it with my eyes closed, I tried to make what just happened go away, to will it awayin my mind.

“Lanie, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” My head shot toward her voice, not expecting to hear her. I forgot Becca was stillin the room.

“Um,” I stalled, “I guess that’s one wayto put it.”

She opened her mouth to say something, then snapped it closed, a knowing lookon her face.

“No, he’s not. Are you kidding me?” She ran to the door and pulled it open wide before I could stop her, looking down the hall. At what, I don’t know. The hallway was empty. “I’m going to go have a talk with him, set him straight. He needs to be put in his place, Lanie, and I’m the perfect one to do it.” I ran to her, dragging her by the arm into our room, closing and locking the door securely.

“Becca, please don’t. He saw me and ignored me, completely ignored me, and went straight into his room.”

“More of a reason to tell him off.” She was seething, flipping her curls over her shoulder as she paced the room. “Why would he not talk to you, Lanie? This makes no sense. He said he would be back when he worked his shit out. He’s back, so he should be ready to talk.”

“Can we give it some time, see how it plays out? He just got here, still had his bags with him.” I didn’t need her making this worse between him and me. To be honest, I think I would be more upset and jealous if he talked to her simply because he wouldn’t evenlook at me.

“Fine, but let it be known I’m not happy about it.” She kind of stomped away from me, gathering her coat and hat. “Come eat with me and the guys. You’re wasting away to nothing. You barely eat one meal a day.” She was right, but I didn’t have an appetite. “Don’t let him do this to you. He’s not worth it.”

I climbed into my bed, the covers securely up to my chin as she watched me from the doorway. She wasn’t surprised by my decision or my actions, Icould tell.

“I can’t. I don’t want to see him. What if he goes for food? I can’t do it right now, Becca. I’m not ready.” She walked to my bedside and leaned in to give mea quick hug.

“I won’t be long,” she said before heading out to meet the guys.

They’d all been trying to keep me distracted, and it had been working a little. Becca would watch a show with me; Ty would study with me at the library; Logan was always around to walk with me to class. But naturally, the moment I was alone, my thoughts took over and always gravitated to Xander.

And now he was here, a few doors down. I wasn’t sure how I was going tohandle this.

I’d put a call into my parents the other day. I hadn’t spoken to them since before Christmas, so the conversation was a bit awkward at first. But my dad soon had us talking as if we hadn’t had years of estrangement between us. I didn’t tell them exactly what was going on in my world, only that I might want to leave school early this semester. With the way our life had been, they didn’t question it. Rather, my dad sounded a bit relieved, thinking I might come stay with them for a while. So, if things didn’t improve, the plan was I’d be taking a leave from school to meet them in Italy for the rest of the springand summer.

Xander’s return may have jump-started those plans. I didn’t think I could be there, on the same campus, the same floor as him, and survive. Not with him not talking to me, not even looking at me.

No, I definitely couldn’t do it.

Chapter 25

The text came in while Becca and I were in our room. My finger slid over my phone, and my whole world came crashing in on me:

Max:

Lanie, I know you’re here, and I know Alexander is here too so pay attention

I’m outside your building and if you don’t want anything to happen to him you will come downstairs now. ALONE

The room started to spin.

The black consumed me, gathering in every corner of the room and swirling around its edges, filling up its entirety. It pressed on my chest, stealing my breath.

How was I going to do this? How could I go to him? How could I willingly go to the one person I’d been working hard to escape fromfor months?

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