Page 81 of All My Firsts

I sank onto my bed, my legs about to buckle. Becca hesitated a moment, but then started reading.

Xander:

Hey Becca, yeah, I needed some time away from school for a bit headed home, need a break from Lanie for now, everything moving too fast I’ll be doing classes online for a few days I’ll be in touch.

This could not be happening.

This was not happening.

How couldhe do this?

Why was he doing this?He loved me.

I loved him.

“Lanie, say something. You’rescaring me.”

I didn’t have any words for what I just heard. There was no reason for him to leave. We haven’t even had a real fight yet.

“I don’t believe him, Becca. Something isn’t right here. We were together last night, liketogether,together, and everything was perfect. We were even starting to talk about our future.Hewas talking about our future together.” I looked up at her, desperationin my voice.

“Well, that kind of makes sense with what he wrote. Maybe he got spooked. Even though he was saying it, maybe he got nervous. Guys are weird that way. He might have gotten caught up in the moment. Sex will do that to men. And maybe after he said those things, he got scared and ran. I’m not saying it’s right. It sucks, and he sucks for doing it, but that may be why.” She was sitting next to me now, rubbing my arms, trying to prevent a major breakdown. “I know he’s one of the good ones, Lanie, but no one is perfect. Maybe give him this time. It doesn’t mean you guys are over. It’s a break.”

When she said it that way, it kind of made sense, but it still hurt. A lot. This was a pain I had never experienced before, true and utter heartbreak. Every cell in my body felt like it was being pulled apart from the others. I couldn’t hold back the tears that started flowing from my eyes.

“You’ll be OK; you’ll both be OK. This happens in almost all relationships. You’ll see. He’ll come groveling back to you, apologizing for acting the way he did. He’s definitely handling it wrong, but what guy doesn’t? Guys suck, but they’re good in bed, so we put up with their shit.” She stood up from my bed and found me a box of tissues. But her next step was to flit about the room as if nothing was wrong. She didn’t think this was a big deal. “Trust me, Lanie. And if you want him back even sooner, start talking to some other guys. Make him jealous. That will get the ball rollingon his end.”

I wasn’t about to start playing games with Xander and our emotions. Only one part of what Becca said made sense to me. I would give him some time. I would give him time in the hopes he would come to terms with whatever unnerved him.

“I’m going to see if Logan wants to go to the movies with us. Do you still want to come?”Becca asked.

The last thing I wanted to do was go anywhere outside of this room. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed, curl into a ball, and disappear. Old habits were hard to break.

“Uh, no, I’m gonna stay in. I won’t be good companyright now.”

Becca didn’t come back, so my assumption was the movies worked out for the three of them, which was fine. I needed to be alone. But sitting here, wallowing in my despair and all the unknown, was doing me no good. It was driving me crazy.

Instead, I fought the darkness trying to keep me down and grabbed my sneakers and went for a run. It helpedfor a while.

But, of course, I found myself on the bench by the pond. I sat and thought for what seemed like minutes but wound up being an hour. The sky was dark by the time I realized how long I’d been sitting there alone. I pulled out my phone, deciding I would send one final message to him before giving him a full-on break from me.

Me:

Xander, I’m not sure what I said or did, but I’m sorry. Take however long you need to work through this, I‘ll be here I love you I always will Xander you’re my everything and I’m not giving up on us, not this easily and I don’t really believe you are either

He didn’t respond, but I knew he read it. He still had that setting on. At least I knew he got it. It hurt that he couldn’t say anything back, but I felt better knowing he was aware of how I felt. I’d been through worse. I could handle a break.

At least I thought I could.

The next day, Becca tried to act like everythingwas normal.

“Lanie, Ty and I are going to the library after lunch. Why don’t you meet us after your class?” She was flitting around her room, not even waiting on my answer. I was curled up in my bed still, pondering staying there indefinitely.

“Maybe.”

“Lanie, don’t do this. You can’t let him get to you like this. Be strong. Get yourself up, get dressed, go to class, and meet us for lunch. Trust me, I’ve been dumped by enough guys to know the best medicine is to not let them think they won.” She looked over and saw my big eyes. “And no, I don’t mean you’ve been dumped, but I have been plenty of times, and I wanted to do exactly what you’re doing now. But you can’t. So get up.” She came over and ripped my comforter off of me.

“Uuugghhh! I’m not ready, Becca! What if he comes back today? I don’t want to see him.” I tried pulling the covers back on, but she wouldn’t let me.

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