Page 82 of All My Firsts

“That’s the exact reasonwhyyou get your ass up and out.” She stood, holding my comforter, her other hand on her hip, unwavering. I pulled my legs over the side of the bed, feeling like death warmed over. “Good, that’s a start,” Becca encouraged. “Now get up and get dressed. We’re walking to class together. And then you’re coming to lunch.”

She continued getting herself ready while I pulled on whatever clothes I could grab out of the bottom of my closet. I might head out with her, but I wasn’t going to care about what Ilooked like.

And I may have made it to class and gotten credit for my attendance, but my body was the only thing there; my mind was elsewhere. I comprehended nothing. With my hood pulled up and over, I don’t think anyone even knew who I was, so no other students talked to me, which was the point.

I walked zombie-like to the cafeteria after class, people steering clear of me on the paths. My aura definitely gave off “stay away” vibes. When I found Becca and Ty, they were at a table right in the middle of the action. I contemplated not staying, but Becca saw me and waved me over before I could escape.

“Good, you made it, and here’s a sandwich. Make sure you eat it. You look horrible, by the way.” Becca was not holding back.

“Well, I look horrible because someone forced me out of bed today when I didn’t want to get out of bed today.” I pouted and pushed the food away from me in anger. “And thanks for the food, but I’m not hungry.” Her eyes went to Ty, and they shared a sympatheticlook for me.

“Lanie, I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but this will all work out. The best thing you can do is try to take care of yourself. Eat a couple bites, even if it’s just for me,” Becca pleaded.

I succumbed and took the sandwich back. Forcing a few bites down, I realized I actually was hungry. As I ate the rest of it, I hoped she didn’t acknowledge she’d been right. The two of them seemed consumed with each other at the moment, so I could resume my sulking in peace.

I sat back and looked around the cafe, immediately noticing Xander’s frat brothers at a nearby table. They were sending glances my way, and a couple were having private conversations that appeared to be geared toward me. I could have been imagining it, but I instantly felt the need to leave.

“Thanks, guys, but I’m gonna head back to the dorm.” I guessed they were satisfied with my performance for the day, because they didn’t balk at me leaving as I stood up. “I’ll seeyou later.”

“See ya later, Lanes.” As I was walking away from the table, I tried my damnedest to not look at the frat-filled table, but I heard the whispers and I couldn’t resist. I stole a peek. Thankfully, they seemed sympathetic as well. They mostly had small smiles on their faces when I looked over. Some offered small waves. But I held eye contact for too long. I guess giving permission for one of them tocome to me.

“Hey, Lanie, how ya doing?” he asked. I think his name was Zane.

“Hey, hi, I’m good.” I didn’t quite know how to answer that, unsure of why he would ask me in thefirst place.

“Well, we just wanted to check on you, make sure you were doing OK with, you know ...” he continued, his hands gesturing to the rest of the guys at the table, and then he lookedback at me.

“Um, yeah, I’m fine,” I continued, confused.

“OK, good. We told Xander we would, uh, keep an eye on you while he was gone. So if you need anything, let us know.” He gave me a small smile and walked back to his table.

I spun on my heel and tore out of there as fast as I could, mortified that everyone knew.

They all knew!

They all knew he left and that we weren’t talking. Xander told them he was leaving,but not me.

Another reason I really wanted to stay curled up in my bed.

Curling up in my bed seemed like what I wanted to do until I was doing it.

Alone.

Completely alone in my bed.

Thinkingonly of him.

And crying.

And then it didn’t seem like such a great idea anymore. I had become used to spending my nights next to Xander, warmed by his body, held in his arms. I was missing the feel of his lips on mine, the heat of his breath as he slept with his face close to mine.

The solitude I now felt in this bed was agonizing.

I tossed and turned most of the night, seeing every hour on the clock. By 5 a.m., it was useless to try any longer, so I got up, got dressed for a run, andheaded out.

Walking past Xander’s door had been one of the more difficult things to do the past couple of days. The pull I had toward his room was magnetic; the memories made inside filled my mind and tormented me. I walked by and had to force myself to not look at the number 504 asI passed it.

But I couldn’t help it as I stopped right outside his door. I put my hands up on it, hoping to feel some remnant of that hum I felt in my bones when he touched me. But there was nothing but the coldness of metal. Checking the knob, I knew full well it would be locked. When it was, though, it still crushed me. My legs wouldn’t continue on my journey outside. They were frozen in place. At least here I felt somewhat close to him. It was quiet in the hall. No one would see me for a while. So, I sat down, up against his door, and dreamt of the days when we were happy on its other side. I could almost hear our laughter as I thought of the times we were in there binge-watching Netflix while making out, and more, under his blankets. My head was on my folded knees as I reminisced about our last few months together.

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