Page 71 of All My Firsts

I wasn’t comprehending what he was saying, but I also didn’t have time to. He started restraining me by holding down my arms. He had pushed himself on top of me by this point and was talking into my ear, his mouth making my hair move with his breath, so close to my face I could smell the gum in his mouth. I will forever hate the smell of peppermint because ofthat moment.

“I thought I’d get a taste of the goods I’ll be privy to for the rest of my life while I was here tonight, ya know, before I leave. Give you something to remember me by.” I struggled under his hold, but it was futile. I couldn’t move.

“Max, I don’t want to do this right now. I’ve never done any of this with anyone. Please stop.” I was crying at this point, pleading with him, but this seemed to incite him, actually excite him more. I tried to calm myself, but I was having a hard time, his heavy body making it even harder to catch my breath.

“I don’t think our parents know what they’ve done for me. They’ve sacrificed a virgin. How will I ever thank them? Don’t worry, Lanie. We won’t go all the way tonight. I’ll save that for another day. I only want a small sample of what I have to look forward to. This dress has been turning me on all night. Ever since you walked downstairs, I’ve been thinking about how I want to run my hands up it, get inside your underwear. It would be even better if you weren’t wearing any. Are you naked under that dress, Lanie?”

My eyes were wide with horroras hewaited for an answer from me. My head slowly moved from side to side in response. It wasn’t the answer he wanted.

Heslapped me.

I paused in my story as Xander’s chair scratched at the floor and fell behind him. He had catapulted himself clear across the room, arms against the wall, in search of something to hold him back.

“Xander, I have to finish this. I needto. Please.”

He still hadn’t moved. I could hear his ragged breathing from across the room.

“FUCK!” His hand hit the wall and my chair bounced back against the window ledge, my heart pounding. I watched as he straightened his body to standing, appearing to physically shake his anger from his body.

No words were said. He simply lifted his chair from the floor and came back to his seat. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I needed to get this out while I had the nerve to do it.

When someone gets hit in anger for the first time in their life, many things happen simultaneously. First, I was stunned. I couldn’t believe what happened – complete disbelief. Then the anger set in. I felt my fists roll up into balls reflexively, but Max was a big guy. I was in a prone position with him on top of me. I’d never taken any self-defense classes, and I knew I had no way of getting out of that situation. The anger rolled into fear, and I comprehended the severity of the situation I found myself in. Finally, resolve set in. I decided I would do whatever it took to survivethat moment.

All of that occurred within seconds, because moments after the slap, Max painfully ripped my underwear off. It shredded in his hands, and my legs burned from the force. He held me down with one hand on my neck, and I gasped for air when suddenly I felt him push his hand inside my body. He did this with such force that I let out a howl, forcing his hand from my neck to my mouth. His eyes conveyed a warning that if I didn’t quiet down, there would be worse things done to me. He took his hand out of my body and started to undo his pants.

“You weren’t lying about being a virgin, Lanie. I’m glad to see that. Know this: your life will be a lot easier as long as you do what I say and what I want. We can have a good life if you listen. This is only thebeginning.”

I turned my head and looked away; I couldn’t look at him anymore. Focusing on one spot in the room, I was hoping I could forget, escape. Closing my eyes, I knew I was shutting down. That was when the firsttears fell.

I felt him change position, struggling to do something, yet I didn’t want to look at him. I heard his zipper go down and could feel him fumbling with his free hand, and he was sure to never let the hand that was securely over my mouth move. I felt him trying to hold himself over me, even shift a bit to the side, all while I was struggling for each breath through my nose. I could feel a change in his movements. There was now a rhythmic movement.

I refused to look, but I knew what he was doing. More and more tears streamed down my face at the knowledge he was using me like this. He stopped for a moment and used that hand to pull down the top of my dress and my bra to expose mybreasts. I was disgusted and felt vomit rise in my throat, but I was terrified of what he would do to me if I allowed it to come out. I knew I had to swallow it. As his hand went to my breasts, he pulled them, hurting me. When he felt me starting to cry in pain behind his hand, he pushed on myface harder.

“Shutup, Lanie.”

I didn’t dare move or make a sound, too afraid of what else he might do to me. I felt him get off of me but wouldn’t turn my head toward him. He stood up and found the bathroom. All I did was cover myself with my dress and curl up in a ball.

“Get up, and go clean yourself up in the bathroom. You’re a mess.” He yanked me from the floor and shoved me toward the bathroom. “Our parents will be wondering where we are. Make yourself presentable.”

Once inside, I locked the door and slid down the back to the floor. The devastation I felt was palpable, pumping through my veins. I sat there, silent, not knowing my next move. There was no going back from what just happened. I would never be the same Lanie ever again. I was damaged. I held back the floodgate of tears that wanted to escape because I was afraid of his reaction.

I slowly got up from the floor and made my way over to the mirror, afraid to look at the reflection, afraid to see a different person. But it was still me. I didn’t look much different on the outside, just some smeared mascara and the hint of a bruise on my neck. All the damage was on the inside, in places no one can see it, in places I will be able to hide it, because I was obviously going to have to. I jumped at the knockon the door.

“Lanie.” His voice sounded softer now, as if he was trying to have a conscience after what happened. “Are you OK? Can you open the door?”

I quickly splashed some cold water on my face and tried to get the makeup out from under my eyes. My hands shook uncontrollably as I reached for the lockon the door.

“Yeah, I’m good.” As I walked hurriedly out the pool house door in my attempt to distance myself from him, he raced toward me. He caught up and grabbed my arm, but not as hard as before. With my arm in his grasp, he turned me tolook at him.

“Lanie, I’m sorry about this. I like it rough. I was turned on by you when I first saw you. I couldn’t wait to get you alone somewhere. I promise next time it’ll be all about you.” As he said this, he put his fingers under my chin and lifted my face up toward his, actually trying to be, what, romantic?

The irony was not lost on me in that moment as he bent down and kissed me softly on the lips. I might have only been sixteen, but I wasn’t naive. I knew this was a vicious cycle that was probably starting, and I was going to get caught up in it all because of politics, money, and a sundress. Needless to say, yeah, that was why I was never going to wear a dress again. And his apologies were always empty. His anger always won out the next time around, and then he apologized again, and it happened over and over. Until I leftfor school.

No eye contact was made during all of that. I stared down at my twisted fingers the entire time. But when I finished, I peered up in hopes of finding a version of Xander I would recognize.

He sat in his chair, motionless. He was silent as the tears rolled down his cheeks, off his chin. A round, wet stain had appeared on his shirt. He slowly stood up and approached me, looking almost scared. His hands reached for my face; his lips came in for asimple kiss.

“It’s probably the absolute worst thing I could be doing for you right now, but I need to walk away. I’m sorry. I’ll be back, butI’m sorry.”

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