Page 33 of All My Firsts

“I ... can’t ... do ... this ... any ...more ...”

I could barely talk, hyperventilating as I was trying. But there was a shift in the air, the atmosphere surrounding us. His hands found my shoulders as he steadied me, his fingers trailing down my arms, him pulling my hands up to his chest.

“Lanie, you don’t have to do this alone anymore. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.” He was holding me close now, trying to hold me up, my body a dead weight in his arms. “Hey, I’ve got an idea.” He sat me on the couch and reached out for my phone. “What do you think about blocking his number? It would make it so much easier for you to not have to hear from him.” He saw the panic set in.

“I don’t know, he would get so mad ...” I shifted my eyes to the floor, shame consuming me as I tried to stifle my sobs.

“But he’s not here. I’ll help you make this break from him final. You’ve been walking alone through this nightmare for too long, and that’s over now. I’m here with you, and I won’t let anything bad happen to you ever again.” He reached out, his hand on my chin, lifting my face. “Do you hear me? Notever again.”

I wasn’t sure if I could trust or believe his words, but I desperately wanted to. I needed to. I needed to have something, someone, to believe in, and I wanted it to be Xander.

For so long, I had no one. My parents acted as if they had no idea what was going on between Max and me, but I had my doubts. There was little chance they didn’t know something was wrong with our relationship. There were too many signs. What teenager doesn’t have any friends or doesn’t do any of the events related to high school? I had to wear long-sleeve shirts in the heat of Texas, all while using obscene amounts of concealer to cover up the evidence. Some friends tried to stick it out with me in the beginning. But when I never returned calls or went out on the weekends, they gave up. And I didn’tblame them.

Ihad no one.

But coming to Blue Ridge University had changed that. I had people here supporting me. Yes, I wanted one of them to be Xander.

“OK, I’ll do it. I’ll block his number.” I tried to pull it up, but my hands were shaking. “Xander, could you ...?

“Give me your phone.” He took it, found Max’s number, and it was blocked before I could let out another strained sob.

I knew what I expected my reaction to be: the sink into the oblivion of panic coursing through my body. But instead, I felt ... lighter. As if my body were lifted a bit. Ifelt relief.

As Xander handed me my phone, he noticed the look on my face. I knew he wasn’t comprehending what I was feeling. Regardless of any shared traumas we might have had, he had no idea what I really went through. I was only hoping that his action wasn’t going to come backto haunt me.

“And I agree, we need to be friends for now. You have too much going on. But I’m here for you.” He looked toward the window behind us. “And look at that, we’ve practically made it the entire night. It’s almost sunrise,” he said. There was a tinge of sadness in his voice.

“Wait, what? Are you kidding me? I’ve never stayed up all night before! And I’ve never seen a sunrise either!” I was full of excitement as I got up and ran to the window to lift the blinds. The night sky had lightened at the horizon, the dark navy hues mixing with some deep indigo.“Thank you.”

He came to my side by the window, wondering what I was thanking him for.

“You’ve given me some firsts tonight, some new oneshecan’t take from me. It’s nice to feel like I’m living again, like I can still have some new experiences he won’t ruin, sothank you.”

I went back to looking out the window, not wanting to miss a moment of the sun coming over the mountains in the distance and the glorious colors it was producing. There was not a cloud in the sky to hinder the gift being given. Xander reached out and held my hand as the sun came up, his fingers threading through mine. The warmth from his touch flooded my body. I felt the need to focus on the view outside the window, but he was such adistraction.

“Is this OK, Lanie?” He looked at me intently with concern in his eyes, then peered down at our entwined hands. My stomach fluttered with the idea that someone was asking me for permission just to hold my hand.

“Yes,” I said, almost too quickly, “it’s more than OK.” I felt the heat rising from my chest to my cheeks, and I moved my gaze back tothe window.

The sun was rising slowly, but at the same time it seemed to be over instantly. I was in awe of the oranges, pinks, and reds the sky was now painted with.

“My God, isn’t it beautiful, Xander?”

He didn’t respond right away. “It is.”

I looked at him. But he wasn’t looking out the window; he was looking at me.

He started leaning in toward me, and I felt myself leaning toward him. My hand burned in his as his grip on me tightened. With his other hand, he brought our faces together so they were touching, cheek to cheek. I felt his head shift slightly as he brought his lips close to mine, tentative.

I stopped breathing.

His lips touched the outer corner of mine lightly. It could barely be called a kiss, but itwas perfect.

It was the perfect end to a perfect night we had spent together.

Our first night together.

Chapter 10

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