Page 32 of All My Firsts

How quickly it changed with that one question about my parents. My strength sapped, gone.

We sat this way for a long time, him holding me. As if he was holding me together so I wouldn’tfall apart.

And I felt if I had told him all my secrets, I would fall apart. I was barely being held together by a thread, my story the thread keeping it whole as muchas it could.

I never thought I would ever tell my story to anyone.

There I was in the arms of someone I felt could handle hearing the wholesordid tale.

Someone who could surviveit with me.

Just not yet.

“I’m not ready to say more about my past. But, I don’t know, maybe I can tell you a little about what’s going on with him now.”

Xander stilled slightly under me, seemingly not sure if he should move or not. Maybe in anticipation of what I was goingto say next.

I couldn’t believe I was going to do this, reveal another part of my darkness to someone. Of course, a part of me was terrified of the outcome, the possibility that Xander wouldn’t want to deal with someone with so many issues, so much darkness surrounding them. But there was also a part of me that was eager, longing, even, to finally release the locked-up demons, the storms constantly battering my soul.

I turned my head slightly and found his profile. His eyes were patient. His body was a contradiction though, full of tension. I hoped I wasn’t making a grave mistake, and he read my hesitation. His hand came to my cheek, soft, caressing.

“Lanie, only when you’re ready, and only what you want to tell me. But I won’t lie, I already hate him.” The tension continued to roll through his muscles, which were coiled tight as he held me. I could feel him trying to relax, our bodies clinging toeach other.

But his declaration soared through my veins and gaveme strength.

He was on my side; I had aconfidante.

“Max continues to bother me here, harasses me with calls and texts.” I held out my phone. Easier for him to read them himself. He scrolled through all the texts I’d been getting over the past month. “Even though I tried to end things with him before I came to school, it’s only been getting worse. He threatens to come here, but then this week, he sent someone he works with, a friend, tofollow me.”

Xander was speechless at first.

“Wait, what did you say?” The slow pivot of his head as he turned toward me displayed the disbelief in his eyes. It was as if he was waiting for me to change my story, as if it couldn’t be possible. “You’re serious, aren’t you?” His eyes remained on me, waiting, hoping. When I only continued to look deep into his stare, I could see his body finally give in toacceptance.

“Holy shit, Lanie, this is insane. How are you dealing with this while taking your classes and doing your work? And now this shit with Logan?” He shook his head in disbelief. “You’re strong, Lanie, so fucking strong.” He handed me my phone as if he didn’t want to see any more of what Max had to sayto me on it.

“You’ve told Becca about all of this, right?” he asked.

I looked at him and gave a slight shakeof my head.

Xander’s eyes widened. “She doesn’t know?”

“You’re the first person I’ve told. Ever,” Iproclaimed.

And that statement broke me.

Emotions I didn’t know were in me needed to come out. I wasunraveling.

Again.

Xander immediately grabbed a hold of me as the sobs racked through my body.

Again.

I was holding on to him for dear life.

Again.

I felt like I wouldn’t survive this. It was the third time today my body and soul were deceiving me, and I couldn’t control the heaving howls coming out of me. Could someone die from crying too much? I felt like I could. I felt like my body was aboutto give out.

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