Page 30 of All My Firsts

“Xander, your story is sad. It deserves tears. I’mOK, really.”

He lifted my chin before he said, “Just remember, there’s a happy ending. My dad’s in jail.”

He rubbed my bottom lip with his thumb, and his other fingers traced under my eyes, wiping away the wetness. I tried to give him a small smile, my attempt at letting him know I was OK. But it may have come across more as an invitation as his thumb went back to my lip.

Such an intimate moment brought on by the pain we both had in our lives. But then we settled back into our spots on the couch.

“The story is almost done.” He paused, then started talking again. “That last night, Bryce made as much noise as possible in the house. We needed to make sure the neighbors called the police. We knew our mother never would. He started throwing things at our dad, which we never did before, and it took him off guard. This time, we really fought back. The two of us ganged up on him, and if the police didn’t break it up, I think we actually would have done some real damage to him.

“In the end, I had a broken arm and nose, and Bryce broke his hand. He told the cops he wanted to press charges against my father for assault. They weren’t sure it was possible, but they had come to our house so many times hoping to take him in, so they just went ahead and did it. I’m not sure if it was legal or not, but we got the ball rolling. Once he was in police custody, it gave my mother enough courage to do something about it. She finally pressed charges herself.

“We found out later, through lots of therapy together, the reason she never followed through was because he threatened to kill one of us if she ever did.” He let out a relieved sigh, obviously happy to be done telling his tale.

“So, there you have it: the abbreviated version of my fucked-up childhood and family. My mom is one of my best friends now. And my brother, who is now a cop, is my best friend. It’s ironic he became an officer. We had so many run-ins with them over the years, especially me. But I guess he found himself on the right side of the law in the end. And we got through it, Lanie. Not easily, but we gotthrough it.”

He sat upright and pulled me to look at him with a smile on his face. “I don’t expect you to tell me anything about what you’re going through, but please know, when you’re ready, I’m here.”

We sat that way, each studying the other’s face, searching for what emotions we were feeling. I knew he was trying to discern if I was ready. Ready to divulge all of my deepest, darkest secrets.

“I’m sorry you had to deal with that as a kid. That must have been terrible.” I leaned into him, putting my head on his shoulder, unable to take the intensity of his gazeany longer.

Yet I had never felt more comfortable with another man in my entire life. This felt perfect. Even after the awful story he had told me, I never wanted to leave this spot, safein his arms.

It was as if all the storms raging inside of me were calmed and stilled by his touch.

“But we made it,” he said. “We had each other, and we made it. That’s the point of my story.” He leaned in closer, his mouth next to my earas he spoke.

Feeling his breath close to me sent shivers through my body and stilled my breathing. I knew he saw the effect he continued tohave on me.

Whispering, he said, “I want to be here foryou, Lanie.”

His words stirred my hair as he spoke, the meaning of them, however, going straightto my heart.

“I want to hold your hand when you stand tall to face this, and I’ll be there to catch you if you fall.”

Chapter 9

His name is Max. And I was sixteen and he was eighteen when we were, um,introduced.”

I blurted out the beginning of my story to Xander but then sat there, silent, for a long time, twisting a thread on my jeans. Contemplating how much I was willing to share had me stalling. He would look at me differently, becauseI was ...

I was dirty.

Max made me dirty.

But I’d been desperate for this for so long, for someone I could tell. Desperate to get it out of me. And I didn’t think a better person to tell would ever come along. I needed to summon the courageto continue.

Xander feltmy struggle.

“Lanie, this is your story, your timeline. Don’t feel that you have to tell me tonight, or ever.” He spoke these words into my hair as held me in his arms. I felt the tears welling up again, the burning knot in my throat telling me they would spill over soon.

Why was crying felt so strongly in the throat? The knot I felt there made it hard to swallow my own spit. It was as if my throat was closing and all the saliva was being drawn into my tear ducts to be expelled from my body in another place. I was having such trouble breathing, I had to sit up. Gravity made the tears fall, and Xander saw them.

“Hey, I don’t want this to make you go through a whole thing again.” He was rubbing my face as the hiccups started, as I tried to hold in the sobs. Tired of needing to be consoled by everyone all the time, I turned my face away from him.

“Xander.” My voice wasn’t strong, but I continued. “As tired as I am of crying, I’m more tired of these secrets being bottled up inside of me. I’ve been alone with this for too long.” As I finished talking, I pulled out of his reach, to the other end of the couch.

He was too much of adistraction.

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