Page 31 of All My Firsts

The hint of dejection faded quickly once he realized I was settling in and getting ready to talk.

“Ya know,” I started with a meek voice, “I missed my prom, homecoming dances, football games, and bonfires, all because of him. All because he wouldn’t go with me or wouldn’t let me go without him. So many ‘firsts and onlys’ I will never get back because of him.” My fingers resorted to fiddling with the loose thread on my jeans. Anything to not look him in the eye. But I knew I needed tokeep going.

“I think if that was the worst of it, I wouldn’t be this damaged girl sitting here, but you probably already know that isn’t where my story ends. And unlike you, I can’t give you the ending, because I don’t know it yet.” I looked at him after saying that. I needed strength at that moment, and I was hoping he couldprovide it.

He reached out for me to come to him, to sit with him in his arms. I only shook my head.

“Let me finish first.”

And then silence.

“The abridged version, that’s what we’re doing tonight, right?” I asked. His slow nod was full of encouragement. “So, he took a lot of other things away from me I can’t ever get back ...” I felt the knot return to my throat, but I was determined to finish this without crying. “He, uh, would tell me what I could and couldn’t wear. He was controlling. But in the beginning, he would do it in a way that made it seem like he cared, like I looked prettier in the things he toldme to wear.”

I looked at Xander, his expression calm. But when I looked at his hands, I could see them in fists, him trying to control his anger. I understood. I wasangry, too.

“Of course, it got worse. He would hit me, especially if I tried to stand up to him about anything.” I paused. “But then he would try to make it up to me. He would apologize, buy me gifts, and in the beginning, I actually believed him. To some extent, I still do. He’s damaged, and I know there is a part of him that doesn’t want to be doing what he does to me.” I couldn’t look at Xander, worried he might think me weak for believing that. “By this time, he was working for my dad, in my dad’s office, so he felt really important. My dad is a congressman back in Texas. Max’s attitude about things kept getting worse, and how he treated me along with it.” There was so much more to tell; I knew I was beating around the bush. I kept wringing my hands together in my lap until I jolted off the couch, Xander taken by surprise in the quiet room. I started pacing, needing to move.

“Fuck! I just need to say it. I need to get this off my chest, Xander, but it’s hard. It’s like once I say it, it’s so real.” I turned to look at him. He was sitting on the edge of the couch, hands together between his knees, eagerly awaiting mynext words.

Yet I believed he already knew them.

“Max ... raped me. Repeatedly. It started the first night we were together.”

There. I said it. I said the words. They hurt, but they didn’t break me. My dark secret was out, and I was still breathing, still standing, the earth still spinning. Looking at Xander, though, I knew whatI would see.

But I didn’t see it. I didn’t see the sympathy I was expecting. Instead, there was a small smile on his beautiful face as he stood up and took measured steps toward me. His hands came up to my shoulders, holding me at arm’s length, his head dipping down so our faces were level and our eyes could stay connected.

“Lanie, I’m proud of you.”

I had divulged my scariest, darkest secret. Yet, rather than filling my life with more sorrys and back rubs, he gave me encouragement and the idea I could do this.

“Thank you.” I smiled back at him, the relief of the moment settling in. He guided me back to the couch, pulling me toward him, and I willingly fell into his arms. We sat like that for a few silent moments, exhaustion setting in. But then I felt him getting restless, movement in his bodybeneath me.

We weren’t done.

“So, I guess it’s safe to say your parents don’t know much of what has gone on between thetwo of you?”

My head snapped up, fear and shame slamming into my chest.

The tremble started slowly, but it built, and I knew he felt it as his hold on me increased, trying to keep me from slipping away completely. My breaths were shallow already, but then were barely there.

I felt the blackness coming for me, ready to soothe mein its veil.

“Hey, Lanie, stay with me. It’s OK.” His hands grabbed my face, my neck, holding me up. “Make sure to breathe. Take even breaths and stay with me.Look at me.”

I found his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, staring into my soul. He was trying to read my mind, and he was digging deep, learning more of my dark secrets, the skeletons in my closet. But I didn’t want him to know them all, not yet.

I wasn’t ready.

He wasn’t ready.

“Not yet, Xander. I can’t tell you more, not yet.” I curled into a ball, my breaths coming too fast, the sweat dripping down my back, between my breasts. I felt the room starting to spin, my mind startingto go blank.

And that I was ready for, ready to give in to its darkness and let it take me away like italways did.

Then suddenly I was cold, his touch gone fast. I wasn’t expecting to miss it, to want it back. But then I felt him put a cold water bottle up against the back of my neck, my head.

“Here, take a drink.” He came back to sit with me, his arms around me, comforting me. I took a big gulp of water before settling back against him. The drumming of his heart was all I felt as my head rested upon his chest. The sound was a comfort in the silence of the room. “Take your time, or be done, whatever is best.”

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