Page 88 of A Lesson In Beginning

“What’s up, Joel?”

“I don’t know what happened.”

“Is Adah okay?”

“I want to say yes, but I honestly don’t know.”

“Why don’t you walk us through what happened?”

“We had a scene tonight. It was incredible. Simple, yet one of the best scenes I’ve ever had in my entire life. The connection… fuck! It was mind-blowing, the way she submitted to me. And then everything changed.”

“How so?” Levi’s voice was calm, cool, and collected.

“One minute we were clinging to one another, lost in the moment. And the scene ended. Then she bolted out of bed and demanded to be taken home.”

“No aftercare?”

“No. I tried. I swear, I tried, Levi. You know me. But she was adamant about coming home. So after trying several times to get her to calm down and talk, I brought her home. I was hoping that a little distance from where the scene took place would calm her and she’d be able to talk once we got here, but you saw her, Ruth. She went right upstairs without a word. Not even a goodbye.” There was so much despair and confusion in his voice he sounded nearly on the verge of tears.

“Did anything change?” Ruth asked quietly.

“Obviously.”

“No, I meant, did anything change from the last scene you had to this one?”

“We made our dynamic official. Kind of.”

“What does kind of mean?” Levi asked gruffly.

“We haven’t had time to discuss all the details since I’ve been so busy at the hospital. But we gave each other honorifics, and both stated that we want this.”

“Ah.” Levi’s voice held some kind of knowing, though I had no idea how he knew anything by the tiny bit of information given.

“It sounds like she got overwhelmed emotionally.”

“The fact that she’s overwhelmed by something is breaking my heart. All I want is for her to lean on me, to let me help her through it. But she just won’t let me.” I heard him sigh heavily and could almost picture him running his hand through his long hair. “I’ve got to be honest, guys, I’m having a hard time walking away right now. I want to go to her, to tell her she can’t just walk away like that. She needs care. She needs my care. Hell, I need it just as much as she does. But she won’t let me in. She even safe-worded when I tried to get her to stay. So of course I brought her back here. But… it’s killing me.”

“Oh, Joel. We’ve got her. She’s safe. She won’t crash and be alone in those feelings. Give her a little time. The life we all came from makes it incredibly hard to adjust to what a healthy life is, let alone a healthy relationship. Give her a little time. She’ll come around.”

“You’ll call me if she needs anything? If there’s anything I can do?”

“Of course. We’ll keep you updated.” Levi reassured him.

The sound of the door closing told me he had left. The knowledge that I was actually away from him hit me like a ton of bricks. He was gone.

What had I done?

CHAPTER 24

The trouble with setting out a plan is that the very best of plans are easily torn asunder. I had thought it would be easy to get back to work, especially with Joel out of town for the week. The club had been closed for the holiday, reopening that following Monday and as busy as ever. The unfortunate thing was that every person, every honorific I heard, every bit of dynamic I saw, instantly reminded me of him. And of how I had simply run away when I didn’t know how to deal. Not that my stance on that had truly changed.

I had looked at it from every angle imaginable, and yet, could find no other solution. Could I have stayed and talked to him? Sure. Of course I could have. But how was I supposed to explain the sheer weight of emotion, or the depth of the feelings I was experiencing in that moment, when I couldn’t even put it into words myself? Even now, nearly a week later, the words escaped me. All I knew was that what Joel and I had shared that night changed me forever. And I had no idea how to explain just how terrifying that was.

“You seem out of it again tonight, doll. How can I help?” Trixie had been bouncing around work all evening, but even her bright and chipper attitude couldn’t pull me from my melancholy.

“Nothing for you to worry about, Trixie. I’m quite alright.”

“Are you missing your handsome, hunky doctor?” Nudging me with her shoulder, she waggled her eyebrows suggestively. Swallowing the lump that instantly formed in my throat, I pasted on a smile that was nowhere near genuine.

---