Page 87 of A Lesson In Beginning

He passed me a water bottle, which I gratefully took, sipping slowly until my throat felt just a little less raw.

“Come talk to me.” His smile was so beautiful, his face lit up with joy after such an intense scene. It broke my heart that I could not share in the moment with him. But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, let myself go back there.

“Could you take me home, please?” I asked, my spine stiffening as I prepared for the argument I knew was to come.

“What? Wait a second, love. What happened? Where’s your head at?” His hand wrapped around my wrist, tugging me back towards the bed, but I pulled back, yanking my hand from his grasp. Perhaps it was childish, but I was steadfast in my decision.

“Please take me home, Joel.” I doubled down, refusing to even sit on the bed with him. I needed to leave. This was too much.

He sighed heavily before speaking again.

“I’ll take you home. I promise you that. But aftercare is important. I’m not sure what happened, but we need to talk about it. Will you please at least go downstairs with me? We can sit on the sofa, or even at the table, and just discuss what happened. I want to know what you’re feeling right now.” My mind waffled for a moment at his calm demeanor. He wasn’t angry or upset with me, and I knew we had discussed how important aftercare was. But right now, I just couldn’t stay here with him a moment longer. If I did, I couldn’t be sure of myself. I already wasn’t sure of myself.

I needed something familiar. I needed home. And no matter how good it felt, being here with him, this wasn’t home.

“Please, just take me home, Joel.”

“Adah, give me just a moment. Let me get dressed, and then we can talk.” He grabbed his clothing from the floor, but I didn’t wait around to watch him dress. Instead, I made my way down the stairs, legs still wobbly from our lovemaking, and waited by the front door for him to appear.

“Can we go now? Please?”

“Are you angry with me? Did I do something to upset you? Please, just talk to me.”

“I’m not angry, Joel. I just need to go. Please?” I changed my tone, adamantly trying to sound calm. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was angry. He had done nothing wrong. In truth, I had. But I just didn’t have the words to tell him that, not right now.

“Good. That’s good. Let’s just take a moment. Let’s take a breath and talk for a second. Help me understand —”

“Red.” The word sprang from my lips, the only thing I could think of to stop this incessant conversation from happening. I didn’t want his questions. I didn’t want any of it. I just needed to go home.

He stopped short, his eyes opening wide in shock. And then — to my utter anguish — his face fell.

I’d hurt him.

And that fact destroyed me.

But I couldn’t deal with that now. My back ached with how rigid I held myself, my arms wrapped tightly around my body, purse already slung over my shoulder.

“Alright, Adah. I’ll take you home.” The abject sadness in his voice nearly broke through the fragile grasp I held on to my resolve. But he led me out of the condo and down to his car.

We drove in absolute silence, the tension in the car stifling and near suffocating.

He’d barely turned the car off after pulling into Ruth and Levi’s driveway when I tore off my seatbelt and flung open the door. I needed to get away. I needed to get inside. Running to the front door, I pulled the keys from my purse. My hands shook so violently, I dropped the keys, swearing under my breath.

“Here.” Joel leaned down, grabbing the keys and quietly unlocking the front door.

“Thanks.” It was barely a whisper, but he had heard me. I opened the door and stepped inside, nearly scaring Ruth out of her mind as she walked down the hall with a basket of laundry hitched to her hip.

“Christ, Adah! You scared me. Are you —” But I didn’t listen to a word she said, simply turning and heading up the stairs, leaving her and Joel standing there, awkwardly staring after me. I turned the corner at the top of the stairs to head to my bedroom, but I didn’t make it that far. No, I pressed my back into the wall the moment I was out of sight, tears finally spilling over my eyes as I sunk down to the floor, silently sobbing.

“What happened?” I could hear Ruth’s voice softly from my place at the top of the stairs.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” I had expected him to sound angry, or frustrated at the very least. But while there may have been a tinge of frustration, it was pain that radiated with every syllable, and that pain speared straight through my carefully laid armor, piercing my heart like a sword’s sharpened edge.

“Hang on. Let me get Levi.”

“Yeah, okay.”

I could have gotten up. I could have walked to my bedroom and shut them out completely, and perhaps I should have. But my body refused to move, frozen in time and space as Levi joined them in the entry hallway.

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