Page 12 of Reclaimed

I chanced a look in Ray’s direction, expecting to see anger, but instead he looked like he was carefully considering what I had said. He came and sat beside me on the bed. I held myself rigidly in place, fighting my urge to flinch away from him.

“I wanted to take care of you when we were together – you know I did, and I still want to, but you have to understand that seeing you again… I’m reminded over and over… All I can see is what you did; all I can see is him. I can’t forgive you while you continue to defy me.”

“We can’t make things what they were before.”

“No, this time we’ll make them stronger. Strong enough that you never leave me again.”

“So, what? You want us to go on like this then? Until I give up?”

“No. You’re exhausted, and scared. My main concern right now is your health. Don’t roll your eyes at me. If I want to cause you pain, I will, but I would never want you to be unwell or unsafe.”

“Funny, seeing as it’s always you who seems to be the cause of that these days.”

His eyes narrowed. “Do you think this is the same thing you had before?”

“How do you—”

“You have no secrets from me. I know you went to see a doctor after you left me. I know they gave you drugs – strong ones.”

“I had to. After you called me that night saying what you would do to us… threatening us, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I thought I was going crazy, but it turned out I had good reason to worry, didn’t I?” It had been the worst time of my life. Obviously, I had been consumed by guilt about what Ray might do to David because of me, but worse than that, I had had to reconcile all the spite I’d heard on that phone call with the man I’d loved more than anything.

“I wanted revenge, I won’t deny that – on him, mostly. But I didn’t want to harm you. I’ve never wanted that.”

“Well, you did. And you are now too.” I could still feel the weight of it inside me, the pain he’d caused. How did he ever expect me to trust him again?

“Listen, we can’t change any of that now. But we can make this, right now, easier, if you’re willing to try.”

I knew there was no way either of us could fully heal from our past, the pain was too great, but maybe I could avoid breaking completely if I could just keep Ray happy for a while.

“How?” I asked quietly. He raised his eyebrows. Clearly, he hadn’t been expecting me to acquiesce quite so quickly.

“Well, that depends. I’d like for us to be able to move on from this, for things to be like they were before.” He stroked my hair softly, but his eyes never left my face. “For that to happen,” he went on, “you would need to take responsibility for your actions, graciously accept my punishment, and agree to stay here, in your new home, as my submissive.”

I couldn’t conceal my shock at his demands, and without thinking, I pulled away from the hand that was still carding through my hair. It was bad enough that he wanted to hurt me, to scar me even, but he actually expected me to willingly submit to his punishment? And not only that, he wanted me to commit to being his submissive on a 24/7 basis. That wasn’t something we’d ever discussed while we were together. We’d experimented, sure, but that had been within agreed time frames, never more than a day at a time. To give myself over to someone so completely, and forever – that was far more daunting than whatever terrible punishment he had planned. I’d always known deep down that submission was a core part of my being, but I had no idea if I was capable of that level of commitment, or if that was even what I wanted.

“And if I can’t do that?”

“Then we carry on like this until you change your mind.”

“What about…?” I began tentatively.

“Yes?”

“Never mind.”

“What about sex?”

I stayed silent, but his smirk told me he knew exactly what was on my mind. “So keen,” he muttered silkily. “Either arrangement will involve sex, and I can’t promise it’ll be when you decide you’re ready.” At least he was honest. I was starting to figure out how things stood, and although all avenues seemed pretty dire, it was better than being kept in the dark. And then the final deal breaker: “What would my punishment be?”

“If you decide to commit yourself to me, it has to be without knowing what your punishment entails. You would just need to trust me. That is true submission, after all.”

He let his hand fall to my leg, and it took every ounce of restraint not to shove him off.

“You need time to think.” He kissed the side of my head and then got up from the bed. If he thought time was all it was going to take to win me over then he had another thing coming. Submission required a kind of trust I doubted I’d ever feel again after everything he’d done to me.

I stayed in my room reading one of the books he’d left in there for me until he called me down for lunch.

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