Page 13 of Reclaimed

While Ray was plating up our food, I stood at the kitchen sink gazing out of the window. The outside world had never looked so inviting. I’d been inside for the last four days, mostly in the same room, and being anywhere in Ray’s presence felt intensely claustrophobic. Hands suddenly rested on my hips, causing me to jump.

“Shhh, pet, it’s okay,” Ray whispered. He pulled me back so that he was pressed up against me, and I instinctively tensed my shoulders. “Hey, relax.” I forced my muscles to relax, but my mind was still frantically screaming at me to get away from him. “Good girl.” He lowered his head and began kissing my neck. I closed my eyes. Stay still, just stay still. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was my biggest weakness, and he knew it. The warmth of his breath and the scratch of his stubble on my skin made me want to melt, made me want to give in.

“Ray…” I whispered.

“I suppose this isn’t giving you time to think, is it?” He released me, and I exhaled slowly. “Sorry. You know I’ve always found it impossible to keep away from you.”

“I thought you hated me.”

“I was angry with what you did, but I don’t hate you.”

“But you want to hurt me?”

“Yes.” The ease and certainty with which he confirmed it terrified me. In the past, he’d hurt me because he knew I’d wanted it, but now he seemed hungry for the chance to cause me real pain. What if he lost control while punishing me? Or what if he grew tired of waiting and did it regardless of my decision? I stared out of the window, at the outside world.

“Would you like to see it properly?”

I turned to him, shocked. “The garden?”

“Yes.”

“Am I allowed?”

“I’m offering, aren’t I?” He smiled, kindly this time. “I’ll make drinks and then I’ll show you the garden; you’ll love it. We can take our lunch out. The fresh air will do you good.”

I hovered around awkwardly in the kitchen while Ray made tea for himself and a coffee for me. Despite no longer being his submissive, it felt strange to have him do things for me while I simply watched. It wasn’t that he’d never done things for me before – he’d always been very caring – but under normal circumstances, it would have been proper for me to be the one making our drinks, and I felt slightly uncomfortable about being waited on. He seemed happy to do it though, and I knew he was pleased to grant me permission to do something I wanted so much. I think he thought that this small kindness would help win me over.

Even after just a short time being inside, it felt odd to be allowed out in so much space with Ray, as if somehow, just by being out in the open air, I was closer to the freedom he was trying to keep me from. He let me walk around the garden in silence, keeping a short distance between us. Of course I had scanned every border to see if there was anywhere I could possibly escape, but I knew there was little hope, and sure enough, it transpired that the wall was the same height the whole way around, with no overhanging trees or anything that could have helped me scale it. Ray caught up with me by the oak tree, and we sat down to have lunch.

“We could come out here every day if you wanted.”

I smiled weakly. Being out was helping, but it could never be enough.

“You could make changes. I could buy whatever you needed. I can see you working away out here, maybe in the summer.”

“Thanks.” I did not intend to still be there by the summer; I had to find a way out before then.

“I do want to make life here good for you. You must know we want the same things.”

I didn’t want to ruin the relative tranquillity of being outside, so I kept quiet.

“You might want to show a little more gratitude – things could be a lot worse for you than they are now.”

“Gratitude? For what, Ray? For this?” I gestured to my face. “I might be all kinds of sick and twisted, but I will never be thankful for this.”

“You’re not sick and twisted for liking the things you do, Callie.”

“Is that what you tell yourself about the things you like? About the things you did to me?”

“Well, answer me this – did you ever need anti-anxiety medication when we were together?”

“That’s not…” I faltered. Ray’s knowing smile made me want to hit him.

I stood up, flung my cup across the garden and ran back inside. I didn’t look back to see if he was following me. I ran straight up to my room and slammed the door shut, throwing my fists against the door so hard that I cried out in pain. I was both furious and terrified – furious that Ray had the arrogance to assume that he was a better partner for me than David, and terrified that he was on his way to my room to punish me for my outburst. I paced nervously in the small space at the end of the bed, ready to fight tooth and nail against him if he tried to hurt me, but more and more time passed, and he didn’t come up.

Every hour, every minute, it seemed, I changed my mind about my plan. Every time I thought I could just play along and bide my time, he would say or do something so infuriating that I couldn’t let it slide, and we’d be back to square one. In that moment of rage, I even considered attacking him. I could use the bedside lamp, run downstairs, find the keys… but that was all a fantasy. He would overpower me in a second. All the adrenaline in the world couldn’t protect me from Ray, no matter how much I wanted to fight back.

David had always wanted me to be strong and fearless, and I’d tried to be that for him, but it had always felt like an act, and just then I resented him for that. Being female, whether I liked it or not, came with vulnerability attached – the certainty that, even if you work hard to make yourself strong, the majority of the time a man would be able to overpower you with ease. I wasn’t weak for being afraid of Ray – I was sensible. My bruised cheek proved that. The strength in that blow, the force when he had pulled me up by my hair – these were just small tastes of what he could do to me. It was dangerous for me to anger him. So why did I keep doing it? Arguing with Ray didn’t get me any closer to freedom. My situation was bleak enough as it was – did I have to make it worse for myself? Ray might be volatile, but he wouldn’t hurt me for no reason. He seemed to want to care for me. Would it be so terrible to let him do that? Just for now?

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