Page 17 of Reclaimed

I wasn’t thrilled about the idea, but I knew there was no point trying to argue. To Ray’s credit, he at least thought of everything he could do to make me comfortable. Before he left, he brought me a tray with a mug of tea, a glass of water, some biscuits, an apple and a couple of books.

“What if I need the bathroom?”

“You’ll have to wait until I’m back.”

If he could sense my unease, he didn’t let on. He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and then left, locking the door behind him.

*

It didn’t take as long as it should have done for me to miss him. Reading could only distract me so long. I became restless, pacing up and down the short stretch of floor, checking the clock every few minutes, counting down the time until Ray would be back. I hadn’t expected his absence to feel like this. I should have been glad to have that time without him. But the loss of the small amount of freedom I’d had over the last few weeks hit me hard. I began to feel truly trapped again. There was no point pining after David in that moment; he wasn’t the one who could help me. I would have loved to have him there, but realistically, it was Ray whose presence I needed.

The moment I heard the front door close, I banged my fists hard on my bedroom door until I heard Ray racing up the stairs.

“What’s—”

As soon as the door opened, I threw myself against him and burst into tears. I clutched at his shirt, knowing I must seem hysterical but desperate to feel him real and solid and back home with me.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“Please don’t shut me in there again. Please don’t go out again.” He peeled my arms off him so he could hold me back and have a good look at me.

“Callie…”

“You can trust me, I promise. Please don’t lock me in.”

“Okay. Calm down, breathe. I’m back now, okay? The door’s open; you’re okay.”

I took big gulping breaths, trying to control my crying. Ray looked slightly alarmed. He steered me over to sit on the bed and sat beside me, rubbing my back until the sobbing faded into exhausted sniffles. Having spent the last few weeks doing what I could to avoid Ray’s touch, I now found myself desperate for it. I leant into him, my hands fisting in his shirt in case he tried to go away.

“It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere.” I didn’t even care that I was giving him the satisfaction of knowing that his touch was soothing me – my need for comfort was too great. “Now what was all that about, hmm?”

“It… it felt like the beginning all over again. It was so different, not being allowed…” I took a shuddering breath. “Things had got better. I don’t want to go back to that.”

“We’re not. This wasn’t a punishment – you know that, right?” I knew it on a rational level, but it had still felt like one. Ray sighed. “I’m sorry that I had to do that. But sometimes I will have to go out, and I need to know you’re still going to be here when I get back. If I’d let you have free run of the house, you’d have tried to escape, wouldn’t you?” I didn’t deny it quickly enough to be convincing. “I can’t risk that, Callie. I can’t risk you leaving again. We’ll find a way to make you feel more comfortable with it, but it will have to happen at some point.”

I couldn’t believe, after my outburst, he was considering doing that to me again. I pulled away from him. I had thought as long as I behaved, Ray would treat me well, make me feel safe.

“It doesn’t mean I’m angry with you, or that anything in our day-to-day life has changed, okay?”

“Okay.”

“We can get back to normal right now, alright? Come downstairs and help me. I was out getting some things for us.” I wondered how he could risk going anywhere, what with my story being so prominent in the news. Surely he couldn’t just pop to a supermarket in the middle of the day?

“Aren’t you worried about getting caught?”

“No.”

I didn’t want to risk taking the conversation any further, so instead, I let Ray guide me downstairs. I felt both drawn to him and repelled by him at the same time. I still felt… betrayed, but I missed his hand when it let go of mine. Just inside the doorway were bags and bags of things Ray had brought in. He couldn’t possibly have bought it all in two hours, so where had it come from? There were groceries, clothes, more books – all sorts of things he thought we’d need. I helped put the food away and thanked him dutifully for the clothes and books. I stayed close to him for the rest of the evening, but my desire for closeness did not extend to wanting to share his bed. I eventually retreated to my room for the night, but I couldn’t bring myself to close the door, and I didn’t fall asleep until I’d heard Ray come upstairs, look in on me, and then go to bed himself.

*

The following day I was determined to create more stability for myself. I needed to be able to stay sane until I was found. I had an idea how, but I knew I needed Ray to be on board.

“You want to ask me something.” He was right as usual. But I’d been hoping to have more time to decide how to say what I wanted to say. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea.

“Could I maybe have… things to do? Like before?”

“You mean things for me?”

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