Page 18 of Reclaimed

I nodded, hating the idea that he’d think he was winning me over. At least I knew that I wouldn’t be doing any of this for him – it would all be for me, for my sanity. Having a vague daily routine had helped me feel more settled and having more of a role in the home would mean even more structure, even more distraction.

“Of course. If you think you’re ready to go back to that.”

“I am.”

Ray smiled broadly. “I think it’s a good idea, pet. Maybe some more structure would be good for you. Let me think on it.”

*

That night, over dinner, Ray showed me my list of assigned responsibilities, and I was relieved to see that he’d given me plenty to keep myself busy with. From then on, I was to be responsible for clearing up after all meals, making the beds every morning, doing the laundry and looking after the garden.

“I’m glad to see you’re showing more willing. It’s a promising step.”

If he thought this meant I was getting any closer to accepting his punishment and becoming his full-time sub, then he was even more delusional than I had thought.

“It’s not… It doesn’t mean…” I whispered nervously. I didn’t want to disappoint him and make him angry, but I also didn’t want to raise his expectations. We were finding ways to live more harmoniously together, but I still wanted out.

Ray reached across the table to take my hand. “I know you’re afraid of the pain. I’d be concerned if you weren’t. But you have to trust me to keep you safe. It’ll be over so fast, and you’ll have me to look after you. And then we can be together properly, and it wouldn’t have to be like this anymore. And you’ll never have to worry about getting another punishment like that again.”

“But the marks…”

“A reminder.”

“But won’t they just remind you of… what I did?”

“They’d remind me that you trusted me enough to put your life into my hands, that you gave yourself to me completely, even though you were scared, and that you were willing to endure pain to help fix things between us.”

It didn’t matter what he said. It was never going to happen.

9

Despite my reservations about the future, I felt much more comfortable around Ray once I’d had the experience of being without him. I relied on the stability he gave me. I was still nowhere near wanting to join him in his room at night – I knew what that would mean, and I didn’t want to do anything to encourage him to carry out any of his more carnal plans for me – but I did accept his closeness, his affection. I even enjoyed it. And I hated myself for that. Ray, of course, had no such qualms.

One evening, we were watching a film together and I was lying with my head in his lap while he stroked my hair. I could handle that kind of touch – it was meant to soothe. But then his hands started straying down to stroke my neck and shoulders, his fingertips running over the skin of my chest, and I sensed it was becoming more about his pleasure than mine. I wasn’t soothed anymore. I sat up quickly and wrapped my arms around myself.

“What’s wrong?”

I was torn. The small amount of fight left in me felt indignant that Ray would have the audacity to try and touch me in such an intimate way. But the part of me that was starting to finally feel okay with things didn’t want to rock the boat by challenging Ray. I’d got off lightly so far. He’d already told me I was his to touch whenever he wanted.

“I know… I know you said it didn’t matter if I was ready or not, but…”

“You don’t want me to touch you?”

“Not like that,” I whispered, not daring to hope that he would stop just because I wanted him to.

“But you seem to have been enjoying our closeness recently. I know I have.”

“That’s different.”

“Why is it different?”

I had to think carefully about that. It felt intuitively different, but it was hard to pinpoint why.

“Well, one is just about comfort. But the other is about…”

“Pleasure?”

“Yeah.”

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