Page 15 of Calculated Chaos

The detachment I feel when guys talk about women and sex and all the stuff they go on about.

I mean, it’s not like I don’t have a sex drive or feel aroused. I do. Often. I just don’t go out of my way for it. I don’t need it the way it seems other guys do. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been comfortable with Axel. While he’s certainly more sexually active than I am, he doesn’t have a one-track mind. He has lots of interests and fits dating in when he feels like it.

But this is the one topic we don’t discuss very much. He knows everything about me, but not that I feel so apathetic towards sex with other people. Jerking off once a week is enough for me. Is that normal?

Then there’s what happened last night. Normally, new environments close me off, but there was something intriguing about it all. I was drawn to it, and I can’t lie to myself and say I wasn’t turned on by the restraints. It was like meeting a new part of myself.

Now to decide what I want to do about it.

Thirty minutes later, new book forgotten for now, I venture into the living room dressed in khakis and a white polo shirt. Axel is sitting on the couch with what looks like a book on his lap. I pause in the hallway, watching him unseen and realizing that I’m seeing him in a new light after last night. He’s not only my sweet, kind of dopey but super smart friend. He’s protective and strong. He’s curious and has a dominant energy I never really noticed before.

“Hey, Ax.”

He turns his head, his face lighting up with a smile. “Come here.”

I walk over and take a seat next to him. He hands me the small brown notebook.

“I was thinking about this when we all decided we had to intervene for your birthday,” Axel explains, his tone soft and careful. “I know you well and I know that jumping blindly into things is uncomfortable, so it means a lot that you trusted me to guide you last night.”

“I’ve always trusted you, Ax.”

“I know.” He blows out a breath. “A couple of weeks ago I found this podcast about taking risks and pushing out of your comfort zone. I’ve been feeling kind of stuck since I sold my company, and I don’t really know what to do next now that I’m not motivated by money.”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“Yeah, so anyway, they had this journal for sale. I bought two on impulse but then just kind of sat on them. It finally dawned on me that this is the right time to give you yours.”

I open the leather-bound book and peer inside. As I flip through pages, I see questions prompting me to think about how to take risks, push my limits, explore my imagination.

“I figured it could be good for both of us. Maybe we can help each other,” Axel says.

“Yeah, this is… cool. I like it.”

Axel smiles, gripping my shoulder. “Maybe with some planning, it would be easier.”

I nod, still flipping pages. It gives me ideas right away. I liked how I felt last night. I liked being pushed. “Definitely.”

“Good. Well, we have brunch and then an afternoon of things you hate.”

I chuckle. “Sounds perfect.”

Chapter Eight

AXEL

Driving to the brunch venue, I struggle to keep my attention on the road and not my thoughts. Last night shifted something in me. I set it up expecting to give Hollister a little push to get back in the dating scene. He’s such a good guy. He’s thoughtful and attentive. He can even be funny. He’d make a great partner for someone.

Turns out the evening had more impact on me than I intended. I honestly thought it was gonna be kind of funny and we’d laugh through the whole thing like teenagers in a sex ed class, but yeah, there wasn’t any laughing.

My skin still tingles when I remember the feel of the leather crop in my hand and the way it lit me up when I swatted Hollister with it. A shiver works its way down my spine when memories of Holl’s whimpering pleas for “more” and “harder” flash in my mind.

A loud honk from the car behind me startles me back into the moment. The light’s green, so I drive forward.

“You okay?” Hollister asks.

“Yeah.” I chuckle. “Totally fine.”

“Good.”

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