Page 14 of Calculated Chaos

“I’m not mad about anything.”

“Good.” I open my arms to him. We always hug goodnight. Or, mostly I force a hug on him.

He chuckles, stepping forward to allow me to squeeze him and lift him off the ground. Normally I kiss his cheek or forehead, but something about that seems like too much tonight, given the weight of what happened earlier.

“Night, Ax.”

“Night, Holl.”

I watch him disappear down the hall before hauling ass to the kitchen, where I guzzle several glasses of water. Everything feels off center. Untethered. Like I lost my balance somehow. This night was supposed to be about exposing Hollister to new things, so why do I feel like the one who discovered something about himself?

I stumble down the hall to my room, kicking off my shoes and falling into bed fully clothed, my body still tingling from the thrill of the crop in my hand. The knowledge that Hollister’s safety and pleasure was in my control left me lightheaded. Am I a Dom? I think there’s only one way to find out, and that scares the hell out of me.

Chapter Seven

HOLLISTER

“Rise and shine, twinkle toes.”

Groaning, I pull the blankets over my head. “No.”

The mattress dips beside me and then Axel is tugging the blankets off my head, reaching under them to tickle me. He knows I hate being tickled.

“Ax,” I grumble. “Why so early?”

“Because it’s not early,” he says close to my ear. “It’s almost ten and we have things to do today.”

“Ten?” I bolt upright. “Why’d you let me sleep so long?”

“Because you obviously needed it and it’s your birthday weekend.” He grins, gesturing to the mug of coffee on my nightstand. “Got you something you need for this morning.” He lifts a small gift-wrapped package from the bed. “Open it.”

Smiling as all my tension melts, I take the package and gently tear at the wrapping paper. It’s a book I’ve had my eye on for weeks, but wouldn’t let myself get. I’ve been known to lose days inside a good book, and I have too much going on at work for that.

“Thanks, Ax.” I clear my throat, which is suddenly clogged with affection. “You just get me, don’t you?”

“Sure do. Take an hour to read and enjoy your coffee. Then dress casually and meet me in the living room.”

“Got it.”

Axel reaches up, mussing my hair. The morning sunlight peeking through the crack in my curtains catches his eyes just right. Girls always go wild when they figure out his eyes are different colors. It’s just one more thing that makes Axel unique.

He leaves my room without another word. I lift my mug and take a sip, closing my eyes for a moment as the hot liquid warms my throat. The events of last night rush back, making my tummy swirl.

I don’t know what to make of it. It was all so… stimulating. Which I guess is the point, but I didn’t expect to have any kind of reaction to it. Does Axel see something in me that I don’t? He’s always had a way of getting to the parts I keep tucked away, but this was… well, unexpected, to put it mildly.

I allow my thoughts to drift, replaying my sexual history, searching it for clues that I enjoy being restrained, but nothing comes to me. Probably because it’s never once come up. I’ve never met a woman who wanted to do anything more than your standard vanilla positions.

Sex is… just something people do, I suppose. It’s never been high on my list of needs, but then, why would it be? I can get the job done alone without all the hassle. First dates, awkward mornings, getting to know each other (cringe), and the inevitable ‘this isn’t working’ talk. I’m not exactly excited to go through that routine again.

But there’s always been this niggle at the back of my mind that maybe I’m missing something. Other guys act like fucking is equivalent to breathing. They talk about pussy like there’s nothing better on the planet, which, in my experience, just isn’t the case. I mean, it’s nice—warm, soft, all good things—but it doesn’t consume my thoughts. I don’t even watch porn. So fake.

Not for the first time, I question whether something about me is different from other men. Sipping my coffee, I let the memories I always shove away come back.

All the times I avoided making out with girls at parties while my friends couldn’t wait.

How long it took me to lose my virginity when everyone else was way ahead of me.

The disappointment I felt when it finally did happen and it wasn’t as life-changing as I’d hoped.

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